Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
>>>>
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
>>>>
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
>>>>
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
>>>>
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>>>>
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
>>>>
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
>>>>
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
>>>>
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived...... yet?".
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
False Teeth
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
The Ride
A monastery was perched high up on a cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.
Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.
One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.
One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
The Pet
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer fromhisnew pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Butagain, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one moretime; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer fromhisnew pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Butagain, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one moretime; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Friday, January 27, 2006
Reference Queries
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a colour photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a colour photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
Good Impression
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the
Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the
Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Porsche
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Monday, January 23, 2006
Snowplows
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Getting the Incentive Right
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Froggie
A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race."
The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."
The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race."
The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."
The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
Immigration Test
Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Telling It Like It Is
** Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
** A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
** A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
** A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home
** A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
** A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
** A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home
Friday, January 20, 2006
Lateral Thinking
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Best Beer
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.”
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren’t you going to have a Castle, Norm?"
Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.”
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren’t you going to have a Castle, Norm?"
Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Mother Tongue
A son was filling up the form with Dad's help. He came across a question, "Mother tongue".
He asked his Dad, "What should I write here, Dad?"
And Dad responded, "Very long."
He asked his Dad, "What should I write here, Dad?"
And Dad responded, "Very long."
Dog's Life
A teacher on Animalogy asked the students, "Now tell me, why dogs don't marry?"
A student raised hand and responded, "Because they are already leading a dog's life!"
A student raised hand and responded, "Because they are already leading a dog's life!"
Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The Funeral director would be my guess."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The Funeral director would be my guess."
An Engineer and a Manager
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am,"replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am,"replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
To be six again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Two Blondes
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Blonde Selling A Car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
10 Reasons Not To Do Homework
This top-10 lists are real excuses from my 4 year old. How come I never thought of these when I was younger? Oh yeah, I didn't have homework at that age. Hahahah. Anyway parents, read up and get prepared. (From http://mamasbagoftricks.blogspot.com)
Number 1
Me: Why have you stopped writing?
Girl: I lost my pencil. I don't know where it is?
(No joke, she really did lose it. Even I couldn't find it. Of course a parent must always be prepared with many spare pencils)
Number 2
Me: Can you start your homework now?
Girl: (Takes out her book, sits down. Writes one letter then gets up). Mom, I'm hungry. Let me eat something first ok?
Number 3
Me: Hey, where are you going? You haven't finished your work yet.
Girl: Thirsty lah.
Number 4
Me: What are you doing? Why stop again?
Girl: I'm stretching my hands.
Number 5
Girl: (With her head on the table) Mom, can I do later, I'm tired. I want to sleep.
Number 6
Girl is doing her homework. Suddenly she just falls out from her stool and starts crying.
Me: What happened? How come you can fall down?
Girl: Boo hoo. The chair push me down.
Me: Huh? The chair push you down?
(I suspect she was playing with the stool, rocking it on two legs and then fell backwards. Really hilarious. You just had to be there. Of course as her mother I tried not to laugh. HAHAHAHA. She has a tendency to blame the inanimate objects for her accidents. E.g. Mom the wall hit my head.)
Number 7
Girl: (Stops doing homework. Scissors in hand, cutting at her pants).
Me: What are you doing now?
Girl: My pants is scratchy (pointing to the label)
Number 8
Girl: (Fiddling around with the pencil sharpener for the 10th time)
Me: I wonder your homework finish first or your pencil finish first.
Number 9
Get ready for the in between news updates and broadcasts.
Girl: (Writes one letter) Mommy, you know ah, in school etc....
Me: Ok, can we continue with your work?
Girl: (Writes another letter) Mommy, you know ah, Damus etc....
Me: I see. Let's keep writing.
Girl: (Writes another letter). Mommy, afterwards don't forget etc....
Number 10
Me: Why are you not writing?
Girl: Because you are not counting for me!
(One way I motivate her to write is to count how many seconds it takes her to write one letter/word/character. We then see if the next one takes her less time, more time or the same).
Good luck parents!
Number 1
Me: Why have you stopped writing?
Girl: I lost my pencil. I don't know where it is?
(No joke, she really did lose it. Even I couldn't find it. Of course a parent must always be prepared with many spare pencils)
Number 2
Me: Can you start your homework now?
Girl: (Takes out her book, sits down. Writes one letter then gets up). Mom, I'm hungry. Let me eat something first ok?
Number 3
Me: Hey, where are you going? You haven't finished your work yet.
Girl: Thirsty lah.
Number 4
Me: What are you doing? Why stop again?
Girl: I'm stretching my hands.
Number 5
Girl: (With her head on the table) Mom, can I do later, I'm tired. I want to sleep.
Number 6
Girl is doing her homework. Suddenly she just falls out from her stool and starts crying.
Me: What happened? How come you can fall down?
Girl: Boo hoo. The chair push me down.
Me: Huh? The chair push you down?
(I suspect she was playing with the stool, rocking it on two legs and then fell backwards. Really hilarious. You just had to be there. Of course as her mother I tried not to laugh. HAHAHAHA. She has a tendency to blame the inanimate objects for her accidents. E.g. Mom the wall hit my head.)
Number 7
Girl: (Stops doing homework. Scissors in hand, cutting at her pants).
Me: What are you doing now?
Girl: My pants is scratchy (pointing to the label)
Number 8
Girl: (Fiddling around with the pencil sharpener for the 10th time)
Me: I wonder your homework finish first or your pencil finish first.
Number 9
Get ready for the in between news updates and broadcasts.
Girl: (Writes one letter) Mommy, you know ah, in school etc....
Me: Ok, can we continue with your work?
Girl: (Writes another letter) Mommy, you know ah, Damus etc....
Me: I see. Let's keep writing.
Girl: (Writes another letter). Mommy, afterwards don't forget etc....
Number 10
Me: Why are you not writing?
Girl: Because you are not counting for me!
(One way I motivate her to write is to count how many seconds it takes her to write one letter/word/character. We then see if the next one takes her less time, more time or the same).
Good luck parents!
Hot and Cold
One day a blonde was sitting in her apartment when the doorbell rang. She answered the door and found a salesman standing on her porch with a strange object in his hands.
"What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?"
"This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.
"What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," she replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What's in it?" they asked.
"Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"
"What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?"
"This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.
"What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," she replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What's in it?" they asked.
"Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"
Before and After
After many sessions the psychiatrist told his patient, “Congratulations, Sir, you are cured.”
The patient replied, “Some cure. Before, I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.”
The patient replied, “Some cure. Before, I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.”
Lucky Saucer
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. “
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. “
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Everything Is Big In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Expiry Date
Wife: Honey... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was just looking for the EXPIRY DATE.
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was just looking for the EXPIRY DATE.
Believe It
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Blonde's Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The Speeding Blonde
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The blonde yelled back, "NO...SCARF!"
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The blonde yelled back, "NO...SCARF!"
Being First
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
That's easy...
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them," she said proudly.
Her friend asked, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy...W!"
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them," she said proudly.
Her friend asked, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy...W!"
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Family Problems
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
“Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
“Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!
Over Enthusiastic
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Want to go back in time?
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
And that's the truth...(and whoever said that History was boring?!)
- Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
- Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
- There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
- The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway -- hence, a "thresh hold."
- In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
- Sometimes people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
- Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak into the food, causing lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
- Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."
- Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
- Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
- In England local folks started running out of places to bury people so they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth...(and whoever said that History was boring?!)
A Java Interview
1. How do you communicate in between Applets and Servlets?
A.If they are reachable by walk, I will go in person, else I will use phone.
2. What is the use of Servlets?
A.In hotels, they can replace servers.
3. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A.Threads are small ropes. Making a rope from threads is an example for process.
4. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet?
A.Ascending
5. What is JFC?
A Jilebi, Fanta and Coffee.
6. What is Difference between AWT and Swing?
A.AWT is an acronym. Swing is a word.
7. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A.I will give invitation.
8. How you can know about drivers and database information?
A.I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
9. How do 2 threads communicate with each other?
A.Non living things can't communicate.
10. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A.As you wish, I do not have any objections.
11. What are virtual functions?
A.Functions about which we are dreaming.
12. Write down how will you create a binary Tree?
A.When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
13. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object?
A.If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast.
14. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A.Send it through courier.
15. What is meant by flickering?
A.Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
16. What is meant by distributed Application?
A.Distributing application forms
17. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture.
A.Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and auto rickshaws will have 3 tyres
Follow the Rules
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
Count Your Blessings
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive."
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive."
Announcements
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website:
Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria! This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant! Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria! This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant! Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
Quickie
A doctor was giving a health checkup to an old man.
Doctor: "You have some minor problems, but who wants to live to be 100?"
Patient: "Someone who's 99?"
Doctor: "You have some minor problems, but who wants to live to be 100?"
Patient: "Someone who's 99?"
Change of Scenery
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
Monday, January 09, 2006
Duh!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boots Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boots Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Neither do I
Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC officein Amritsar. Reddy from Hyderabad applied for the same job and, both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".
Santa asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
Thus, being Punjab I should get the job!"
Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Santa wasn’t ready to let up and asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager replied, "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer, and you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".
Santa asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
Thus, being Punjab I should get the job!"
Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Santa wasn’t ready to let up and asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager replied, "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer, and you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
Stupid Answers Inc.,
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (you gotta love that one)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (you gotta love that one)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Random Thoughts
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.
20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My dog can lick anyone!
24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that burger?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
30. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.
31. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
32. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.
20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My dog can lick anyone!
24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that burger?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
30. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.
31. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
32. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Two things to worry about
There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or you will go to Hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, and then you won't have time to worry.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or you will go to Hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, and then you won't have time to worry.
Out in the country
Bruce and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in front of his friend Paddy, Bruce falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... "This is Paddy. Bruce just fell to the ground right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I tink he's dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, and then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?"
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you’re right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let’s make sure he's not still alive."
The line goes silent, and then a shot is heard.
Paddy's voice comes back down the network, "OK! What next?"
Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... "This is Paddy. Bruce just fell to the ground right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I tink he's dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, and then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?"
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you’re right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let’s make sure he's not still alive."
The line goes silent, and then a shot is heard.
Paddy's voice comes back down the network, "OK! What next?"
The Fly Hunter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
The Blonde Astronaut
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Chicken Vs Bread
The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Divorce in Heaven
There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died.
As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St.Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here. Do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St.Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here. Do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
Redneck Jedi
- You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
- You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud.
- At least one wing of your X-Wing is painted with primer.
- You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is "the dadgum skeeters."
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the Force to cheat at fishing or bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the Dark Side...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R2D2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light the barbecue grill.
- You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Jar of Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The Lawyer
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea".
And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give to you?”
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea".
And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give to you?”
Ding Dong Bell Bill
Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival of the U.S. Table Tennis Team in Hong Kong after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, thus cheating the Senate out of passing the
"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
The bill failed to pass, thus cheating the Senate out of passing the
"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
Not So Stupid
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you're in there!"
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you're in there!"
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
Monday, January 02, 2006
Who is the Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Four Guys and a Genie
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,he said, "Next to you all, are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!.........".
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,he said, "Next to you all, are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!.........".
Life's Great Questions
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
- Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
- What is the speed of darkness?
- Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
- If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
- If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
- Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
- If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation
- Can you cry under water?
- What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year!
# include<year2006>
Happiness* Main (Health, Prosperity)
{
double Salary;
int affairs;
bool married;
constant long career;
long Marriage Life;
while(Life==true)
{
Salary++;
if (!married)
affairs++;
else
Marriage_Life++;
career++;
}
return new Happiness[infinity];
}
Happiness* Main (Health, Prosperity)
{
double Salary;
int affairs;
bool married;
constant long career;
long Marriage Life;
while(Life==true)
{
Salary++;
if (!married)
affairs++;
else
Marriage_Life++;
career++;
}
return new Happiness[infinity];
}
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