Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Stupidity
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -- Albert Einstein
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen...and stupidity.. -- Harlan Ellison
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. -- Frank Zappa
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. -- Voltaire
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. -- H. L. Mencken
No one in this world, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. -- More from Mencken
Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and formal education positively fortifies it. -- Stephen Vizinczey
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Unknown
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -- Albert Einstein
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen...and stupidity.. -- Harlan Ellison
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. -- Frank Zappa
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. -- Voltaire
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. -- H. L. Mencken
No one in this world, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. -- More from Mencken
Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and formal education positively fortifies it. -- Stephen Vizinczey
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Unknown
The Betting Blonde
A fellow stopped into his local bar for a beer on the way home after work. Soon a blonde came in and sat down next to him and they struck up a conversation.
The evening news was on TV, and they were showing a fellow standing on a ledge on a 5-story building and threatening to jump. The guy at the bar says to the blonde "I'll bet you $5 he jumps". The blonde pulls out a five and says, "I'll take that bet".
Soon the guy jumps and splatters all over the pavement. The blonde pushes the $10 toward the guy and says, "Well, you won that one".
The guy pushes $5 back to her and says "I was just having a little fun, I saw this story earlier and knew he jumped".
The blonde says "That's ok, take the $5, I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he would jump again".
The evening news was on TV, and they were showing a fellow standing on a ledge on a 5-story building and threatening to jump. The guy at the bar says to the blonde "I'll bet you $5 he jumps". The blonde pulls out a five and says, "I'll take that bet".
Soon the guy jumps and splatters all over the pavement. The blonde pushes the $10 toward the guy and says, "Well, you won that one".
The guy pushes $5 back to her and says "I was just having a little fun, I saw this story earlier and knew he jumped".
The blonde says "That's ok, take the $5, I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he would jump again".
Monday, November 28, 2005
Are you sane enough?
Bob and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bob suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bob out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Bob, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bob out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Bob, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Side Effects of Alcohol
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funnily.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funnily.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house
Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Why don't you take a little nap and then ..." he says with a deep sigh.....
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Why don't you take a little nap and then ..." he says with a deep sigh.....
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Newton's Laws to the Software World
Law 1: Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.
Law 2: The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3: For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus Law 4: Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
Law 2: The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
Law 3: For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
Bonus Law 4: Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
So bad they're good
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Signs Found in the Kitchen
* Yes this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
* Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
* My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
* No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, and converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
* Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
* My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
* No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, and converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Replies To Reckon With!
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows.
But I don't have any, my love.
I said when we get married.
American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
Santa: In India, it is only with female.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows.
But I don't have any, my love.
I said when we get married.
American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
Santa: In India, it is only with female.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Kids... Oh! God
--Dear God... Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
--Dear God... Who draws the lines around the countries?
--Dear God... I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
--Dear God... Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
--Dear God... It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but hope you will not hurt him anyway.
--Dear God... Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
--Dear God... If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her.
--Dear God... I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
--Dear God... I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
--Dear God... I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
--Dear God... Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
--Dear God... If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
--Dear God... I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
--Dear God... I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
--Dear God... Who draws the lines around the countries?
--Dear God... I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
--Dear God... Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
--Dear God... It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but hope you will not hurt him anyway.
--Dear God... Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
--Dear God... If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her.
--Dear God... I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
--Dear God... I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
--Dear God... I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
--Dear God... Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
--Dear God... If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
--Dear God... I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
--Dear God... I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Fight Like a Man!
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Put On Your Shoes
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
panda: black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
panda: black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.
Fishing Spot
Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. On this particular day they caught over 50 fish. The first blonde turned to her friend and said, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the first blonde said, "You did you mark the spot, right?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?"
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the first blonde said, "You did you mark the spot, right?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?"
Little Johnny Rules
Basketball Coach: “I believe you’ve grown two feet over the summer.”
Little Johnny: “No, coach – I still only have two.”
Chemistry Teacher: “What is the formula for water?”
Little Johnny: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”
Chemistry Teacher: “Why would you give a silly answer like that?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was H to O!”
Coach: “Remember, football develops character, individuality, and leadership.”
Player: “Yes, coach.”
Coach: “Now go out there and do exactly what I tell you.”
Dad: “Hard work never killed anyone.”
Little Johnny: “That’s the trouble – I want to engage in something that has a little danger to it.”
Dad: “How were the exam questions?”
Little Johnny: “Easy.”
Dad: “Then why do you look so unhappy?”
Little Johnny: “The questions didn’t give me any trouble – just the answers.”
Dad: “I want you to have all the things I didn’t have.”
Little Johnny: “You mean like all A’s on your report card?”
Dad: “I’m sorry you flunked your math test. How far were you from the right answer?”
Little Johnny: “Three seats.”
Dad: “Look at this report card - your teacher says she can’t teach you anything!”
Little Johnny: “I told you she was no good.”
Dad: “Stop asking so many questions. Don’t you know that curiosity killed the cat?”
Little Johnny: “Really? What did the cat want to know?”
Dad: “What did you learn today?”
Little Johnny: “Not enough – I have to go back tomorrow.”
Dad: “Would you mind explaining the meaning of this D and F on your report card?”
Little Johnny: “No problem, Dad. It stands for ‘Doing Fine.’”
English Teacher: “Do you know what an inkling is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a baby fountain pen.”
English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?”
Little Johnny: “The same as everyone else.”
English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.”
Little Johnny: “One-a-see, two-a-see...”
English Teacher: “What did you do this weekend?”
Little Johnny: “Jethro and me went to the ball game.”
English Teacher: “Jethro and I.”
Little Johnny: “No – you weren’t there.”
English Teacher: “What is the meaning of ‘behold’?”
Little Johnny: “It’s what one bee wrestler uses to pin another bee wrestler.”
English Teacher: “Who can give me an example of a double negative?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know none.”
Friend: “What is your son Johnny taking in college?”
Dad: “Everything I have.”
Geography Teacher: “What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?”
Little Johnny: “Dead? I didn’t even know he was sick.”
Geography Teacher: “What have all the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing, except they’ve made geography lessons harder.”
Geography Teacher: “What state would you find Lincoln in?”
Little Johnny: “A state of extreme boredom if he was in this class.”
Geography Teacher: “You haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
Little Johnny: “My dad says the world is changing every day – so I decided to wait until it settles down.”
History Teacher: “Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood – he had to walk 7 miles to school every day.”
Little Johnny: “He should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else.”
History Teacher: “Did you know that oxygen was discovered in 1774?”
Little Johnny: “What did people breathe before that?”
History Teacher: “Do you know the 20th President of the United States?”
Little Johnny: “No – we were never introduced.”
History Teacher: “Everyone knows that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. What did his assistant Mr. Watson do?”
Little Johnny: “He sent out the phone bills.”
History Teacher: “Name the first settler in the West.”
Little Johnny: “The Sun.”
History Teacher: “What did dinosaurs eat?”
Little Johnny: “Judging from the ones in the museum, they didn’t eat anything.”
History Teacher: “What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I wasn’t invited.”
History Teacher: “What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “Tea Shirts.”
History Teacher: “When was Rome built?”
Little Johnny: “At night.”
History Teacher: “Why did you say that?”
Little Johnny: “Because my Dad says that Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
History Teacher: “Where was the Magna Carta signed?”
Little Johnny: “At the bottom.”
History Teacher: “Why did the Canadian voyageurs cross the country in canoes?”
Little Johnny: “They didn’t want to wait 150 years for a train.”
History Teacher: “Why did you skip so many history classes?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t think I had to go every day – after all, history repeats itself.”
Jethro: “Can I borrow your book, ‘How To Become A Millionaire’?”
Little Johnny: “Sure – here it is.”
Jethro: “Thanks, but half the book is missing.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the matter – isn’t half a million good enough for you?”
Jethro: “Did the teacher really say your singing was heavenly?”
Little Johnny: “No, she said it was unearthly.”
Jethro: “Did you get hurt when you were on the football team?”
Little Johnny: “No, only when the team was on me.”
Jethro: “Do you go to school?”
Little Johnny: “No – I’m sent.”
Jethro: “How is your brother doing in college?”
Little Johnny: “He’s halfback.”
Jethro: “I mean in his studies?”
Little Johnny: “Oh… in his studies he’s way back.”
Jethro: “How old is your grandmother?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know, but we’ve had her for quite a while.”
Jethro: “I got an ‘A’ in spelling.”
Little Johnny: “Silly – there’s no ‘A’ in spelling.”
Jethro: “I’m first in English class!”
Julie: “I’m first in Math!”
Little Johnny: “Well, when the school bell rings, I’m first out the door.”
Jethro: “Is your teacher strict?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I’m too scared to ask.”
Jethro: “My teacher talks to herself all the time.”
Little Johnny: “So does mine, but she thinks that we’re listening.”
Jethro: “The new watch I got is waterproof and can tell time underwater.”
Little Johnny: “That’s nothing. I dropped my watch into the Mississippi River three years ago and it’s still running.”
Jethro: “The same watch?”
Little Johnny: “Nope, the Mississippi.”
Jethro: “This class is so noisy I can’t hear myself speak!”
Little Johnny: “You aren’t missing much…”
Jethro: “What are you doing in school?”
Little Johnny: “Taking a part in a guessing game.”
Jethro: “I thought you were taking a Math test?”
Little Johnny: “I am.”
Jethro: “What did the teacher think of your idea?”
Little Johnny: “She took it like a lamb.”
Jethro: “What did she say?”
Little Johnny: “Baa!”
Jethro: “What do you wanna do?”
Little Johnny: “Let’s flip a coin. Heads we go fishing and tails we go biking. If it lands on its side we go home and study.”
Jethro: “What happened to you?”
Little Johnny: “I just had a run-in with the school bully.”
Jethro: “How did it happen?”
Little Johnny: “He said he had half a mind to beat me up.”
Jethro: “And you agreed to let him beat you up?”
Little Johnny: “No, I agreed he had half a mind.”
Jethro: “What’s the hardest thing for you in school?”
Little Johnny: “Whispering to the person next to me without moving my lips.”
Julie: “You remind me of vacation from school,”
Little Johnny: “In what way?”
Julie: “No class”
Librarian: “We just discovered an overdue library book you’ve had for some time now.”
Little Johnny: “Do I owe a big fine?”
Librarian: “We’re naming the new library wing after you.”
Little Johnny: “Al is the first person you learn about in school.”
Jethro: “Al who?”
Little Johnny: “Alphabet.”
Little Johnny: “Dad – could you help me with my homework?”
Mom: “No – it wouldn’t be right.”
Little Johnny: “Well, at least you could try.”
Little Johnny: “Hey, isn’t our principal stupid?”
Betty: “Do you know who I am?”
Little Johnny: “No, why should I?”
Betty: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”
Little Johnny: “Do you know who I am?”
Betty: “No.”
Little Johnny: “Thank goodness!”
Little Johnny: “How did I do, coach? Did you take my time?”
Coach: “I didn’t have to – you took it yourself.”
Little Johnny: “I can’t go to school today.”
Dad: “I don’t feel well.”
Little Johnny: “Where don’t you feel well?”
Dad: “In school.”
Little Johnny: “What would you say if I got a 100 on my math test?”
Dad: “I’d be in shock – I’d probably have a heart attack.”
Little Johnny: “That’s why I settled for a 50.”
Little Johnny: “My brother is connected to the police department.”
Jethro: “How?”
Little Johnny: “By a pair of handcuffs.”
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t get to school because I started too late.”
Teacher: “Then why didn’t you start earlier?”
Little Johnny: “It was too late to start early.”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.”
Teacher: “Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can think of.”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think my teacher likes me.”
Veronica: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “During fire drills he tells me to stay in my seat.”
Little Johnny: “I failed every subject except for algebra.”
Jethro: “How did you keep from failing that?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t take algebra.”
Little Johnny: “I finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.”
Jethro: “Did it take you long?”
Little Johnny: “The box said from eight to twelve years, but I finished it in less than a month.”
Little Johnny: “I got a hundred in school today - in two subjects!”
Mom: “My goodness, how did you do that?”
Little Johnny: “I got fifty in Math and fifty in Science.”
Little Johnny: “I got two medals in music. One gold and one silver. The silver one was for playing the piano.”
Piano Teacher: “I know – the gold one was for stopping.”
Little Johnny: “I have a question.”
Teacher: “What is it?”
Little Johnny: “If light travels at 186,000 miles per second, how come it goes so slowly when we’re in school?”
Little Johnny: “I know someone 30 years old who’s still in the fifth grade.”
Jethro: “No way!”
Little Johnny: “My teacher.”
Little Johnny: “I know the capital of North Carolina.”
Jethro: “Really?”
Little Johnny: “No - Raleigh.”
Little Johnny: “I’ll never learn to spell.”
Jethro: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher keeps changing the words.”
Little Johnny: “I only made three mistakes in school today.”
Mom: “That’s not bad - what were they?”
Little Johnny: “I flunked History, Math, and English.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not going back to school ever again.”
Mom: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher doesn’t know a thing – all she does is ask questions.”
Little Johnny: “I’m thinking of having my ears pierced.”
Music Teacher: “You might as well. You pierced mine a long time ago.”
Little Johnny: “I was a hit in the school play. I had the audience glued to their seats.”
Drama Teacher: “Wonderful – how clever of you to think of that.”
Little Johnny: “I went to football tryouts yesterday.”
Jethro: “Did you make the team?”
Little Johnny: “I think so. The coach took one look at me and said, ‘This is the end.’”
Little Johnny: “I wish I had lived a thousand years ago.”
Jethro: “Why?”
Little Johnny: “Because then I wouldn’t have so much history to learn.”
Little Johnny: “Is there life after death?”
Teacher: “Why do you ask?”
Little Johnny: “I may need extra time to do my homework.”
Little Johnny: “Mom, could you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem?”
Mom: “Don’t tell me they haven’t found it yet. They were looking for it when I was a child.”
Little Johnny: “Mom – I made 70 on my test paper.”
Mom: “Great. Did anyone make 100?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – all the other kids.”
Little Johnny: “Mom – the teacher kept me in for something I didn’t do.”
Mom: “Really – what was it?”
Little Johnny: “My homework.”
Little Johnny: “My dog knows Math.”
Jethro: “He does?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – when I ask him what 10 minus 10 is, he says nothing.”
Little Johnny: “My folks are sending me away to school.”
Jethro: “Why is that?”
Little Johnny: “So they won’t have to help me with my homework.”
Little Johnny: “My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.”
School Secretary: “Who is this?”
Little Johnny: “This is my father speaking.”
Little Johnny: “My Sunday School teacher says that we are on earth to help other people.”
Principal: “Of course.”
Little Johnny: “Then what are the other people here on earth for?”
Little Johnny: “My teacher doesn’t even know what a horse looks like.”
Betty: “That’s impossible.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I drew a picture of a horse and she asked me what it was.”
Little Johnny: “My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.”
Mom: “Well, next time remember where you put things.”
Little Johnny: “My uncle is in medical school.”
Jethro: “What’s he studying?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing – they’re studying him.”
Little Johnny: “Teacher – I can’t solve this problem.”
Math Teacher: “Any five year old should be able to solve this one.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder I can’t do it then – I’m nearly ten.”
Little Johnny: “The doctor says I can’t play football.”
Coach: “I could have told you that.”
Little Johnny: “The dog ate my homework.”
Teacher: “Johnny, you don’t have a dog.”
Little Johnny: “It was a stray.”
Little Johnny: “The driver in front of us must be one of my teachers.”
Jethro: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “He’s so stubborn about letting us pass.”
Little Johnny: “What good is the rain?”
Teacher: “It makes things grow – the grass, the flowers, and the bees.”
Little Johnny: “Then why does it rain on the sidewalk?”
Little Johnny: “What is ‘extinct’?”
Teacher: “Well, if all life on earth were wiped out, you could say the human race was extinct.”
Little Johnny: “But who would you say it to?”
Little Johnny: “What is sticky, purple, has fifteen legs, and is covered with hair?”
Jethro: “I don’t know”.
Little Johnny: “Neither do I, but they’re serving it in the school cafeteria.”
Little Johnny: “What is the first letter in ‘yellow’?”
Jethro: “Y”.
Little Johnny: “Because I want to know.”
Little Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “No, of course not.”
Little Johnny: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
Math Teacher: “Did your parents help you with these homework problems?”
Little Johnny: “No – I got them all wrong by myself.”
Math Teacher: “I wish you would pay a little attention to your Math.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I do. I pay as little attention as possible.”
Math Teacher: “If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None – they were all copycats.”
Math Teacher: “If you cut three apples and two pears into ten pieces each, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Fruit salad.”
Math Teacher: “If you had three apples and ate one, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Three.”
Math Teacher: “Three?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, two on the outside and one on the inside.”
Math Teacher: “If you had four apples and I asked you for two, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Four.”
Math Teacher: “Four - why not two?”
Little Johnny: “I wouldn’t give you any.”
Math Teacher: “If your family owed $300 to the phone company, $800 to the landlord and $200 for utilities, what would they have to pay?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing – we’d move to another city.”
Math Teacher: “What would you have if you had six apples in one hand and four in the other?”
Little Johnny: “Really big hands.”
Mom: “Have you been fighting again? I told you to count to 100 before doing anything when you’re angry.”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but the other boy’s Mom told him to count to 50.”
Mom: “How do you like your new English teacher?”
Little Johnny: “I think she’s biased.”
Mom: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “She thinks words can only be spelled one way.”
Mom: “How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “It was all right except for some man called ‘Teacher’ who kept spoiling all our fun.”
Mom: “How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “Okay, but the teacher didn’t give me a present.”
Mom: “Why would she give you a present?”
Little Johnny: “Because she said, ‘Johnny, sit there for the present.’”
Mom: “How was your geology class?”
Little Johnny: “I was rocked to sleep.”
Mom: “I’m a little worried about your being at the bottom of your class.”
Little Johnny: “Don’t worry – they teach the same thing at both ends.”
Mom: “I’m worried about you not getting enough sleep.”
Teacher: “Don’t worry, Mom. I make up for lost sleep in class.”
Mom: “Johnny brought a note from school.”
Dad: “What did it say?”
Mom: “They want a written excuse for his presence.”
Mom: “Sit down and show me your report card.”
Little Johnny: “I can’t sit down – I just showed it to Dad.”
Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “How to write.”
Mom: “What did you write?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – they haven’t taught us how to read yet.”
Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “In Math we learned pi r squared... But that’s silly – everyone knows that pies are round.”
Mom: “What marks did you get in Phys Ed?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t get marks, only bruises.”
Mom: “What was the first thing you learned in class?”
Little Johnny: “How to talk without moving my lips.”
Mom: “What’s the matter with your dinner?”
Little Johnny: “Can you describe it for me, please – in case I need to tell the doctor later what I’ve eaten.”
Mom: “Who are you writing to?”
Little Johnny: “Myself.”
Mom: “What does the letter say?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I haven’t received it yet.”
Mom: “Why are you home so early?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher asked me how far I could count, and I counted all the way home.”
Mom: "Why aren't you doing very well in Canadian history?"
Little Johnny: “Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
Mom: “Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was my lunch money.”
Mom: “Would you walk to school in the rain or snow?”
Little Johnny: “No – never.”
Mom: “Then what would you walk to school in?”
Little Johnny: “My runners.”
Mom: “Your grades are terrible. You have C’s and D’s on your report card.”
Little Johnny: “Those aren’t grades – they’re vitamin deficiencies.”
Mother: “As a teacher, do you think my son Johnny is trying?”
Teacher: “Yes, your son is the most trying student in class.”
Mother: “My child is a genius. Little Johnny has the most original ideas, hasn’t he?”
Teacher: “Yes, especially when it comes to spelling.”
Principal: “Johnny, did you really call your teacher a meanie?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Principal: “And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, it is.”
Principal: “And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?”
Little Johnny: “No, but I’ll remember that for next time!”
Principal: “What’s your name, young man?”
Little Johnny: “Johnny”
Principal: “Say ‘sir’.”
Little Johnny: “All right, Sir Johnny.”
Sailor Dad: “I’m very disappointed in you, son.”
Little Johnny: “Why? I got all A’s and B’s on my report card.”
Sailor Dad: “I was hoping you’d follow in my footsteps and be a ‘sea’ student.”
School Nurse: “I think you should take something for that cold.”
Little Johnny: “Good – I’ll take the week off.”
Science Teacher: “Did you know that grasshoppers have antennas?”
Little Johnny: “Which channels do they get?”
Science Teacher: “How many ribs do you have?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I’m too ticklish to count them.”
Science Teacher: “What is more important – the sun or the moon?”
Little Johnny: “The moon, because it shines when it’s dark. The sun shines during the day when it’s light anyway.”
Sports Teacher: “Why didn’t you stop the ball?”
Little Johnny: “I thought that was what the net was for.”
Sunday School Teacher: “Why did Moses wander in the desert for fourty years.”
Little Johnny: “He was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.”
Sunday School Teacher: “Would you like to go to Heaven?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but my Mom told me to come home right after Sunday School.”
Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder so many students flunk your tests.”
Teacher: “According to motor vehicle statistics, a man gets hit with a car every 40 minutes.”
Little Johnny: “If I were him, I’d stay off the street.”
Teacher: “An anonymous person is one who doesn’t wish to be known.”
Little Johnny: “That’s a stupid definition.”
Teacher: “Who said that?”
Little Johnny: “An anonymous person.”
Teacher: “Are you good at Math?”
Little Johnny: “Yes and no.”
Teacher: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I’m no good at Math.”
Teacher: “Before we start the final exam, are there any questions?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – what’s the name of this course?”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?”
Little Johnny: “Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”
Teacher: “Can you describe an elevator?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a small room you go into and when you shut the door, the upstairs comes down.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me something important that didn’t’ exist years ago?”
Little Johnny: “Me.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me something that is dangerous to get close to and has a horn?”
Little Johnny: “A car.”
Teacher: “Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had $100 in it. I know you’re all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of $10 to whoever returns it.”
Little Johnny (from back of room): “I’m offering $20!”
Teacher: “Could you forgive a bully who insulted or hit you?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – if he was bigger than me.”
Teacher: “Did you do your homework?”
Little Johnny: “No, I thought you covered the subject pretty well in class.”
Teacher: “Didn’t you hear me call you?”
Little Johnny: “But you said not to talk back to you!”
Teacher: “Do you disobey your parents?”
Little Johnny: “No, sir.”
Teacher: “Come now, you must do something wrong every once in a while!”
Little Johnny: “I tell lies.”
Teacher: “Do you know why you get such poor grades?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Exactly.”
Teacher: “Do you like going to school?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, and I like to come home too. It’s the staying there in between that I don’t like.”
Teacher: “Do you think you can sleep in my class?”
Little Johnny: “I could if you didn’t talk so loud.”
Teacher: “Everyone says we should conserve energy. How can we do that?”
Little Johnny: “By staying in bed all day.”
Teacher: “Haven’t you finished cleaning the blackboard yet?”
Little Johnny: “Not yet. The more I clean, the blacker it gets.”
Teacher: “How old will a person be who was born in 1970?”
Little Johnny: “Man or woman?”
Teacher: “I ain’t had no fun all summer. Now how should I correct that sentence?”
Little Johnny: “Get a hobby.”
Teacher: “I asked you to come in to discuss Little Johnny’s appearance.”
Little Johnny’s Mother: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?”
Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”
Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow eating some grass – why have you only drawn the cow?”
Little Johnny: “The cow ate all the grass.”
Teacher: “I found out you cheated on your test, so I’m changing your A to an F. Do you have anything to say?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - that’s pretty degrading.”
Teacher: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there will be a half day of school on Monday morning.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the bad news?”
Teacher: “The bad news – there will be another half day of school on Monday afternoon.”
Teacher: “I take real pleasure in giving you a 90 on the test.”
Little Johnny: “Why don’t you give me a 100 and really enjoy yourself?”
Teacher: “I think I caught you copying off Jethro’s paper.”
Little Johnny: “No, I didn’t.”
Teacher: “Okay – what have you got for question seven?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know. He hasn’t gotten to that one yet.”
Teacher: “I thought you promised me you’d pass the test.”
Little Johnny: “I did. I passed it on to the kid behind me.”
Teacher: “If 12 make a dozen, how many make a billion?”
Little Johnny: “Very few.”
Teacher: “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, please hold up two fingers.”
Little Johnny: “How will that help?”
Teacher: “If it takes five men fifteen hours to build a brick wall, how long would it take ten men to do it?”
Little Johnny: “Why should they do it at all? The five men just did it.”
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?”
Little Johnny: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Little Johnny: “No - you don’t know my father.”
Teacher: “If you’re a troublemaker, stand up.”
Little Johnny: (stands up)
Teacher: “Are you a troublemaker?”
Little Johnny: “No - I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
Teacher: “In history we have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Can you name another Age?”
Little Johnny: “The sausage.”
Teacher: “Is there anything you can do better than anyone else?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – read my own handwriting.”
Teacher: “It took close to 100 years to build one pyramid.”
Little Johnny: “Must be the same contractor who’s renovating our house.”
Teacher: “Johnny, did you write that poem all by yourself?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Teacher: “Then I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Keats. I thought you died 100 years ago.”
Teacher: “Johnny, how come you’re such a perfect idiot?”
Little Johnny: “I spend a lot of time watching you.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if I put a dozen marbles in my right pocket, fifteen marbles in my left pocket, and thirty-one marbles in my back pocket, what would I have?
Little Johnny: “Heavy pants.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if you were facing east, what would be on your right hand?”
Little Johnny: “My fingers.”
Teacher: “Johnny, I’ve had to send you to the principal’s office every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Little Johnny: “I’m glad it’s Friday!”
Teacher: “Johnny, what is another name for a bunch of bees?”
Little Johnny: “A good report card.”
Teacher: “Johnny – your handwriting is terrible.”
Little Johnny: “That’s OK – I’m going to be a Doctor.”
Teacher: “Many people think fish is brain food. What do you think?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think so. If they’re so smart, why do so many of them get caught?”
Teacher: “Name a great timesaver.”
Little Johnny: “Love at first sight.”
Teacher: “Remember the story of the lamb who strayed from the flock and was eaten by the wolf. If he had remained with the flock, he wouldn’t have been eaten by the wolf, would he?”
Little Johnny: “No – he would have been eaten by us.”
Teacher: “Sometimes I think no one in this class hears a thing I say.”
Little Johnny: “What?”
Teacher: “The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.”
Little Johnny: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”
Teacher: “The President’s wife is the first lady.”
Little Johnny: “I thought Eve was.”
Teacher: “There are many different species of birds, Johnny. What kind of bird do you like best?”
Little Johnny: “Fried chicken.”
Teacher (teaching students about magnets): “This morning we are going to discuss something that starts with the letter ‘M’. It has six letters and picks up things. What is it?”
Little Johnny: “Mother.”
Teacher: “This test is multiple choice.”
Little Johnny: “Then I choose not to take it.”
Teacher: “To have self-confidence you must avoid negative words such as “can’t” and “not”. Do you think you can do that?”
Little Johnny: “I can’t see why not.”
Teacher: “We start school exactly at eight o’clock.”
Little Johnny: “That’s okay with me, but if I’m not here by then just go ahead and start without me.”
Teacher: “What are you doing in the sixth grade?”
Little Johnny: “I was just going to ask you the same question.”
Teacher: “What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny: “A soldier.”
Teacher: “What if you get killed?”
Little Johnny: “Who would kill me?”
Teacher: “The enemy.”
Little Johnny: “Then I’ll be the enemy.”
Teacher: “What do you expect to be when you get out of school?”
Little Johnny: “An old man.”
Teacher: “What family does the octopus belong to?”
Little Johnny: “Nobody I know.”
Teacher: “What’s the definition of ignorance?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “What’s your favourite U.S. state?”
Little Johnny: “Mississippi.”
Teacher: “Spell it.”
Little Johnny: “I changed my mind. It’s Ohio.”
Teacher: “When Eskimos used to trade, they used fish instead of money.”
Little Johnny: “They must have had a hard time getting soda from a machine.”
Teacher: “When I call on you I’d like you to stand up and tell everyone your name.”
Girl: “My name is Jule.”
Teacher: “Please tell us your full name - you shouldn't use contractions. Your full name is Julius. Okay, next – what is your name?”
Little Johnny: “Well, I guess I’m a Johnnius.”
Teacher: “When you yawn, you’re supposed to put your hand to your mouth!”
Little Johnny: “What? And get bitten!”
Teacher: “Whenever I ask a question, I want you to answer at once, Johnny. How much is seven plus two?”
Little Johnny: “At once.”
Teacher: “Where is the English Channel?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – my TV doesn’t pick it up.”
Teacher: “Where is the Red Sea?”
Little Johnny: “On my report card.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I put it in a safe, but lost the combination.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain works.”
Teacher: “Who succeeded Canada's first prime minister?”
Little Johnny: “The second one.”
Teacher: ”Why are you taking art classes?”
Little Johnny: “So I can draw my own conclusions.”
Teacher: “Why are you writing on a piece of sandpaper?”
Little Johnny: “You told us to write a rough draft.”
Teacher: “Why aren’t you going home from school?”
Little Johnny: “My mother told me not to leave school until I graduate.”
Teacher: “Why can’t you answer any of my questions?”
Little Johnny: “If I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here.”
Teacher: “Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?”
Little Johnny: “Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing.”
Teacher: “Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?”
Little Johnny: “Because it has four eyes and can’t see.”
Teacher: “Will you stop passing notes!”
Little Johnny: “We’re not passing notes – we’re playing cards.”
Teacher: “You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?”
Little Johnny: “No, I’m having trouble listening.”
Teacher: “You copied from Jethro’s exam paper, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “How do you know?”
Teacher: “Jethro’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you have put ‘Me, neither’.”
Teacher: “You got excused because you said your grandma was dying. Today I saw her in the beauty salon.”
Little Johnny: “She was dyeing her hair. Now she’s a blonde.”
Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “Not very much.”
Teacher: “You should not say, ‘I ain’t going.’ You should say, ‘I’m not going, he’s not going, they’re not going’.”
Little Johnny: “Gee, ain’t anybody going?”
Teacher: “Your son has the worst report card I’ve ever seen.”
Parent: “What makes it so bad?”
Teacher: “He even flunked recess.”
Little Johnny: “No, coach – I still only have two.”
Chemistry Teacher: “What is the formula for water?”
Little Johnny: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”
Chemistry Teacher: “Why would you give a silly answer like that?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was H to O!”
Coach: “Remember, football develops character, individuality, and leadership.”
Player: “Yes, coach.”
Coach: “Now go out there and do exactly what I tell you.”
Dad: “Hard work never killed anyone.”
Little Johnny: “That’s the trouble – I want to engage in something that has a little danger to it.”
Dad: “How were the exam questions?”
Little Johnny: “Easy.”
Dad: “Then why do you look so unhappy?”
Little Johnny: “The questions didn’t give me any trouble – just the answers.”
Dad: “I want you to have all the things I didn’t have.”
Little Johnny: “You mean like all A’s on your report card?”
Dad: “I’m sorry you flunked your math test. How far were you from the right answer?”
Little Johnny: “Three seats.”
Dad: “Look at this report card - your teacher says she can’t teach you anything!”
Little Johnny: “I told you she was no good.”
Dad: “Stop asking so many questions. Don’t you know that curiosity killed the cat?”
Little Johnny: “Really? What did the cat want to know?”
Dad: “What did you learn today?”
Little Johnny: “Not enough – I have to go back tomorrow.”
Dad: “Would you mind explaining the meaning of this D and F on your report card?”
Little Johnny: “No problem, Dad. It stands for ‘Doing Fine.’”
English Teacher: “Do you know what an inkling is?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a baby fountain pen.”
English Teacher: “How do you spell ‘melancholy’?”
Little Johnny: “The same as everyone else.”
English Teacher: “Spell ‘Tennessee’.”
Little Johnny: “One-a-see, two-a-see...”
English Teacher: “What did you do this weekend?”
Little Johnny: “Jethro and me went to the ball game.”
English Teacher: “Jethro and I.”
Little Johnny: “No – you weren’t there.”
English Teacher: “What is the meaning of ‘behold’?”
Little Johnny: “It’s what one bee wrestler uses to pin another bee wrestler.”
English Teacher: “Who can give me an example of a double negative?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know none.”
Friend: “What is your son Johnny taking in college?”
Dad: “Everything I have.”
Geography Teacher: “What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?”
Little Johnny: “Dead? I didn’t even know he was sick.”
Geography Teacher: “What have all the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing, except they’ve made geography lessons harder.”
Geography Teacher: “What state would you find Lincoln in?”
Little Johnny: “A state of extreme boredom if he was in this class.”
Geography Teacher: “You haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
Little Johnny: “My dad says the world is changing every day – so I decided to wait until it settles down.”
History Teacher: “Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood – he had to walk 7 miles to school every day.”
Little Johnny: “He should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else.”
History Teacher: “Did you know that oxygen was discovered in 1774?”
Little Johnny: “What did people breathe before that?”
History Teacher: “Do you know the 20th President of the United States?”
Little Johnny: “No – we were never introduced.”
History Teacher: “Everyone knows that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. What did his assistant Mr. Watson do?”
Little Johnny: “He sent out the phone bills.”
History Teacher: “Name the first settler in the West.”
Little Johnny: “The Sun.”
History Teacher: “What did dinosaurs eat?”
Little Johnny: “Judging from the ones in the museum, they didn’t eat anything.”
History Teacher: “What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I wasn’t invited.”
History Teacher: “What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?”
Little Johnny: “Tea Shirts.”
History Teacher: “When was Rome built?”
Little Johnny: “At night.”
History Teacher: “Why did you say that?”
Little Johnny: “Because my Dad says that Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
History Teacher: “Where was the Magna Carta signed?”
Little Johnny: “At the bottom.”
History Teacher: “Why did the Canadian voyageurs cross the country in canoes?”
Little Johnny: “They didn’t want to wait 150 years for a train.”
History Teacher: “Why did you skip so many history classes?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t think I had to go every day – after all, history repeats itself.”
Jethro: “Can I borrow your book, ‘How To Become A Millionaire’?”
Little Johnny: “Sure – here it is.”
Jethro: “Thanks, but half the book is missing.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the matter – isn’t half a million good enough for you?”
Jethro: “Did the teacher really say your singing was heavenly?”
Little Johnny: “No, she said it was unearthly.”
Jethro: “Did you get hurt when you were on the football team?”
Little Johnny: “No, only when the team was on me.”
Jethro: “Do you go to school?”
Little Johnny: “No – I’m sent.”
Jethro: “How is your brother doing in college?”
Little Johnny: “He’s halfback.”
Jethro: “I mean in his studies?”
Little Johnny: “Oh… in his studies he’s way back.”
Jethro: “How old is your grandmother?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know, but we’ve had her for quite a while.”
Jethro: “I got an ‘A’ in spelling.”
Little Johnny: “Silly – there’s no ‘A’ in spelling.”
Jethro: “I’m first in English class!”
Julie: “I’m first in Math!”
Little Johnny: “Well, when the school bell rings, I’m first out the door.”
Jethro: “Is your teacher strict?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I’m too scared to ask.”
Jethro: “My teacher talks to herself all the time.”
Little Johnny: “So does mine, but she thinks that we’re listening.”
Jethro: “The new watch I got is waterproof and can tell time underwater.”
Little Johnny: “That’s nothing. I dropped my watch into the Mississippi River three years ago and it’s still running.”
Jethro: “The same watch?”
Little Johnny: “Nope, the Mississippi.”
Jethro: “This class is so noisy I can’t hear myself speak!”
Little Johnny: “You aren’t missing much…”
Jethro: “What are you doing in school?”
Little Johnny: “Taking a part in a guessing game.”
Jethro: “I thought you were taking a Math test?”
Little Johnny: “I am.”
Jethro: “What did the teacher think of your idea?”
Little Johnny: “She took it like a lamb.”
Jethro: “What did she say?”
Little Johnny: “Baa!”
Jethro: “What do you wanna do?”
Little Johnny: “Let’s flip a coin. Heads we go fishing and tails we go biking. If it lands on its side we go home and study.”
Jethro: “What happened to you?”
Little Johnny: “I just had a run-in with the school bully.”
Jethro: “How did it happen?”
Little Johnny: “He said he had half a mind to beat me up.”
Jethro: “And you agreed to let him beat you up?”
Little Johnny: “No, I agreed he had half a mind.”
Jethro: “What’s the hardest thing for you in school?”
Little Johnny: “Whispering to the person next to me without moving my lips.”
Julie: “You remind me of vacation from school,”
Little Johnny: “In what way?”
Julie: “No class”
Librarian: “We just discovered an overdue library book you’ve had for some time now.”
Little Johnny: “Do I owe a big fine?”
Librarian: “We’re naming the new library wing after you.”
Little Johnny: “Al is the first person you learn about in school.”
Jethro: “Al who?”
Little Johnny: “Alphabet.”
Little Johnny: “Dad – could you help me with my homework?”
Mom: “No – it wouldn’t be right.”
Little Johnny: “Well, at least you could try.”
Little Johnny: “Hey, isn’t our principal stupid?”
Betty: “Do you know who I am?”
Little Johnny: “No, why should I?”
Betty: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”
Little Johnny: “Do you know who I am?”
Betty: “No.”
Little Johnny: “Thank goodness!”
Little Johnny: “How did I do, coach? Did you take my time?”
Coach: “I didn’t have to – you took it yourself.”
Little Johnny: “I can’t go to school today.”
Dad: “I don’t feel well.”
Little Johnny: “Where don’t you feel well?”
Dad: “In school.”
Little Johnny: “What would you say if I got a 100 on my math test?”
Dad: “I’d be in shock – I’d probably have a heart attack.”
Little Johnny: “That’s why I settled for a 50.”
Little Johnny: “My brother is connected to the police department.”
Jethro: “How?”
Little Johnny: “By a pair of handcuffs.”
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t get to school because I started too late.”
Teacher: “Then why didn’t you start earlier?”
Little Johnny: “It was too late to start early.”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.”
Teacher: “Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can think of.”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think my teacher likes me.”
Veronica: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “During fire drills he tells me to stay in my seat.”
Little Johnny: “I failed every subject except for algebra.”
Jethro: “How did you keep from failing that?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t take algebra.”
Little Johnny: “I finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.”
Jethro: “Did it take you long?”
Little Johnny: “The box said from eight to twelve years, but I finished it in less than a month.”
Little Johnny: “I got a hundred in school today - in two subjects!”
Mom: “My goodness, how did you do that?”
Little Johnny: “I got fifty in Math and fifty in Science.”
Little Johnny: “I got two medals in music. One gold and one silver. The silver one was for playing the piano.”
Piano Teacher: “I know – the gold one was for stopping.”
Little Johnny: “I have a question.”
Teacher: “What is it?”
Little Johnny: “If light travels at 186,000 miles per second, how come it goes so slowly when we’re in school?”
Little Johnny: “I know someone 30 years old who’s still in the fifth grade.”
Jethro: “No way!”
Little Johnny: “My teacher.”
Little Johnny: “I know the capital of North Carolina.”
Jethro: “Really?”
Little Johnny: “No - Raleigh.”
Little Johnny: “I’ll never learn to spell.”
Jethro: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher keeps changing the words.”
Little Johnny: “I only made three mistakes in school today.”
Mom: “That’s not bad - what were they?”
Little Johnny: “I flunked History, Math, and English.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not going back to school ever again.”
Mom: “Why not?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher doesn’t know a thing – all she does is ask questions.”
Little Johnny: “I’m thinking of having my ears pierced.”
Music Teacher: “You might as well. You pierced mine a long time ago.”
Little Johnny: “I was a hit in the school play. I had the audience glued to their seats.”
Drama Teacher: “Wonderful – how clever of you to think of that.”
Little Johnny: “I went to football tryouts yesterday.”
Jethro: “Did you make the team?”
Little Johnny: “I think so. The coach took one look at me and said, ‘This is the end.’”
Little Johnny: “I wish I had lived a thousand years ago.”
Jethro: “Why?”
Little Johnny: “Because then I wouldn’t have so much history to learn.”
Little Johnny: “Is there life after death?”
Teacher: “Why do you ask?”
Little Johnny: “I may need extra time to do my homework.”
Little Johnny: “Mom, could you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem?”
Mom: “Don’t tell me they haven’t found it yet. They were looking for it when I was a child.”
Little Johnny: “Mom – I made 70 on my test paper.”
Mom: “Great. Did anyone make 100?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – all the other kids.”
Little Johnny: “Mom – the teacher kept me in for something I didn’t do.”
Mom: “Really – what was it?”
Little Johnny: “My homework.”
Little Johnny: “My dog knows Math.”
Jethro: “He does?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – when I ask him what 10 minus 10 is, he says nothing.”
Little Johnny: “My folks are sending me away to school.”
Jethro: “Why is that?”
Little Johnny: “So they won’t have to help me with my homework.”
Little Johnny: “My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.”
School Secretary: “Who is this?”
Little Johnny: “This is my father speaking.”
Little Johnny: “My Sunday School teacher says that we are on earth to help other people.”
Principal: “Of course.”
Little Johnny: “Then what are the other people here on earth for?”
Little Johnny: “My teacher doesn’t even know what a horse looks like.”
Betty: “That’s impossible.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I drew a picture of a horse and she asked me what it was.”
Little Johnny: “My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were.”
Mom: “Well, next time remember where you put things.”
Little Johnny: “My uncle is in medical school.”
Jethro: “What’s he studying?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing – they’re studying him.”
Little Johnny: “Teacher – I can’t solve this problem.”
Math Teacher: “Any five year old should be able to solve this one.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder I can’t do it then – I’m nearly ten.”
Little Johnny: “The doctor says I can’t play football.”
Coach: “I could have told you that.”
Little Johnny: “The dog ate my homework.”
Teacher: “Johnny, you don’t have a dog.”
Little Johnny: “It was a stray.”
Little Johnny: “The driver in front of us must be one of my teachers.”
Jethro: “Why do you say that?”
Little Johnny: “He’s so stubborn about letting us pass.”
Little Johnny: “What good is the rain?”
Teacher: “It makes things grow – the grass, the flowers, and the bees.”
Little Johnny: “Then why does it rain on the sidewalk?”
Little Johnny: “What is ‘extinct’?”
Teacher: “Well, if all life on earth were wiped out, you could say the human race was extinct.”
Little Johnny: “But who would you say it to?”
Little Johnny: “What is sticky, purple, has fifteen legs, and is covered with hair?”
Jethro: “I don’t know”.
Little Johnny: “Neither do I, but they’re serving it in the school cafeteria.”
Little Johnny: “What is the first letter in ‘yellow’?”
Jethro: “Y”.
Little Johnny: “Because I want to know.”
Little Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “No, of course not.”
Little Johnny: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
Math Teacher: “Did your parents help you with these homework problems?”
Little Johnny: “No – I got them all wrong by myself.”
Math Teacher: “I wish you would pay a little attention to your Math.”
Little Johnny: “Well, I do. I pay as little attention as possible.”
Math Teacher: “If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?”
Little Johnny: “None – they were all copycats.”
Math Teacher: “If you cut three apples and two pears into ten pieces each, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Fruit salad.”
Math Teacher: “If you had three apples and ate one, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Three.”
Math Teacher: “Three?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, two on the outside and one on the inside.”
Math Teacher: “If you had four apples and I asked you for two, what would you have?”
Little Johnny: “Four.”
Math Teacher: “Four - why not two?”
Little Johnny: “I wouldn’t give you any.”
Math Teacher: “If your family owed $300 to the phone company, $800 to the landlord and $200 for utilities, what would they have to pay?”
Little Johnny: “Nothing – we’d move to another city.”
Math Teacher: “What would you have if you had six apples in one hand and four in the other?”
Little Johnny: “Really big hands.”
Mom: “Have you been fighting again? I told you to count to 100 before doing anything when you’re angry.”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but the other boy’s Mom told him to count to 50.”
Mom: “How do you like your new English teacher?”
Little Johnny: “I think she’s biased.”
Mom: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “She thinks words can only be spelled one way.”
Mom: “How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “It was all right except for some man called ‘Teacher’ who kept spoiling all our fun.”
Mom: “How was your first day at school?”
Little Johnny: “Okay, but the teacher didn’t give me a present.”
Mom: “Why would she give you a present?”
Little Johnny: “Because she said, ‘Johnny, sit there for the present.’”
Mom: “How was your geology class?”
Little Johnny: “I was rocked to sleep.”
Mom: “I’m a little worried about your being at the bottom of your class.”
Little Johnny: “Don’t worry – they teach the same thing at both ends.”
Mom: “I’m worried about you not getting enough sleep.”
Teacher: “Don’t worry, Mom. I make up for lost sleep in class.”
Mom: “Johnny brought a note from school.”
Dad: “What did it say?”
Mom: “They want a written excuse for his presence.”
Mom: “Sit down and show me your report card.”
Little Johnny: “I can’t sit down – I just showed it to Dad.”
Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “How to write.”
Mom: “What did you write?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – they haven’t taught us how to read yet.”
Mom: “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny: “In Math we learned pi r squared... But that’s silly – everyone knows that pies are round.”
Mom: “What marks did you get in Phys Ed?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t get marks, only bruises.”
Mom: “What was the first thing you learned in class?”
Little Johnny: “How to talk without moving my lips.”
Mom: “What’s the matter with your dinner?”
Little Johnny: “Can you describe it for me, please – in case I need to tell the doctor later what I’ve eaten.”
Mom: “Who are you writing to?”
Little Johnny: “Myself.”
Mom: “What does the letter say?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I haven’t received it yet.”
Mom: “Why are you home so early?”
Little Johnny: “The teacher asked me how far I could count, and I counted all the way home.”
Mom: "Why aren't you doing very well in Canadian history?"
Little Johnny: “Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
Mom: “Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?”
Little Johnny: “You said it was my lunch money.”
Mom: “Would you walk to school in the rain or snow?”
Little Johnny: “No – never.”
Mom: “Then what would you walk to school in?”
Little Johnny: “My runners.”
Mom: “Your grades are terrible. You have C’s and D’s on your report card.”
Little Johnny: “Those aren’t grades – they’re vitamin deficiencies.”
Mother: “As a teacher, do you think my son Johnny is trying?”
Teacher: “Yes, your son is the most trying student in class.”
Mother: “My child is a genius. Little Johnny has the most original ideas, hasn’t he?”
Teacher: “Yes, especially when it comes to spelling.”
Principal: “Johnny, did you really call your teacher a meanie?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Principal: “And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, it is.”
Principal: “And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?”
Little Johnny: “No, but I’ll remember that for next time!”
Principal: “What’s your name, young man?”
Little Johnny: “Johnny”
Principal: “Say ‘sir’.”
Little Johnny: “All right, Sir Johnny.”
Sailor Dad: “I’m very disappointed in you, son.”
Little Johnny: “Why? I got all A’s and B’s on my report card.”
Sailor Dad: “I was hoping you’d follow in my footsteps and be a ‘sea’ student.”
School Nurse: “I think you should take something for that cold.”
Little Johnny: “Good – I’ll take the week off.”
Science Teacher: “Did you know that grasshoppers have antennas?”
Little Johnny: “Which channels do they get?”
Science Teacher: “How many ribs do you have?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – I’m too ticklish to count them.”
Science Teacher: “What is more important – the sun or the moon?”
Little Johnny: “The moon, because it shines when it’s dark. The sun shines during the day when it’s light anyway.”
Sports Teacher: “Why didn’t you stop the ball?”
Little Johnny: “I thought that was what the net was for.”
Sunday School Teacher: “Why did Moses wander in the desert for fourty years.”
Little Johnny: “He was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.”
Sunday School Teacher: “Would you like to go to Heaven?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but my Mom told me to come home right after Sunday School.”
Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder so many students flunk your tests.”
Teacher: “According to motor vehicle statistics, a man gets hit with a car every 40 minutes.”
Little Johnny: “If I were him, I’d stay off the street.”
Teacher: “An anonymous person is one who doesn’t wish to be known.”
Little Johnny: “That’s a stupid definition.”
Teacher: “Who said that?”
Little Johnny: “An anonymous person.”
Teacher: “Are you good at Math?”
Little Johnny: “Yes and no.”
Teacher: “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I’m no good at Math.”
Teacher: “Before we start the final exam, are there any questions?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – what’s the name of this course?”
Teacher: “Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?”
Little Johnny: “Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”
Teacher: “Can you describe an elevator?”
Little Johnny: “It’s a small room you go into and when you shut the door, the upstairs comes down.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me something important that didn’t’ exist years ago?”
Little Johnny: “Me.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me something that is dangerous to get close to and has a horn?”
Little Johnny: “A car.”
Teacher: “Class, someone has stolen my purse out of my desk. It had $100 in it. I know you’re all basically good kids, so I’m willing to offer a reward of $10 to whoever returns it.”
Little Johnny (from back of room): “I’m offering $20!”
Teacher: “Could you forgive a bully who insulted or hit you?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – if he was bigger than me.”
Teacher: “Did you do your homework?”
Little Johnny: “No, I thought you covered the subject pretty well in class.”
Teacher: “Didn’t you hear me call you?”
Little Johnny: “But you said not to talk back to you!”
Teacher: “Do you disobey your parents?”
Little Johnny: “No, sir.”
Teacher: “Come now, you must do something wrong every once in a while!”
Little Johnny: “I tell lies.”
Teacher: “Do you know why you get such poor grades?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Exactly.”
Teacher: “Do you like going to school?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, and I like to come home too. It’s the staying there in between that I don’t like.”
Teacher: “Do you think you can sleep in my class?”
Little Johnny: “I could if you didn’t talk so loud.”
Teacher: “Everyone says we should conserve energy. How can we do that?”
Little Johnny: “By staying in bed all day.”
Teacher: “Haven’t you finished cleaning the blackboard yet?”
Little Johnny: “Not yet. The more I clean, the blacker it gets.”
Teacher: “How old will a person be who was born in 1970?”
Little Johnny: “Man or woman?”
Teacher: “I ain’t had no fun all summer. Now how should I correct that sentence?”
Little Johnny: “Get a hobby.”
Teacher: “I asked you to come in to discuss Little Johnny’s appearance.”
Little Johnny’s Mother: “Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?”
Teacher: “He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.”
Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow eating some grass – why have you only drawn the cow?”
Little Johnny: “The cow ate all the grass.”
Teacher: “I found out you cheated on your test, so I’m changing your A to an F. Do you have anything to say?”
Little Johnny: “Yes - that’s pretty degrading.”
Teacher: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there will be a half day of school on Monday morning.”
Little Johnny: “What’s the bad news?”
Teacher: “The bad news – there will be another half day of school on Monday afternoon.”
Teacher: “I take real pleasure in giving you a 90 on the test.”
Little Johnny: “Why don’t you give me a 100 and really enjoy yourself?”
Teacher: “I think I caught you copying off Jethro’s paper.”
Little Johnny: “No, I didn’t.”
Teacher: “Okay – what have you got for question seven?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know. He hasn’t gotten to that one yet.”
Teacher: “I thought you promised me you’d pass the test.”
Little Johnny: “I did. I passed it on to the kid behind me.”
Teacher: “If 12 make a dozen, how many make a billion?”
Little Johnny: “Very few.”
Teacher: “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, please hold up two fingers.”
Little Johnny: “How will that help?”
Teacher: “If it takes five men fifteen hours to build a brick wall, how long would it take ten men to do it?”
Little Johnny: “Why should they do it at all? The five men just did it.”
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many would you have?”
Little Johnny: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Little Johnny: “No - you don’t know my father.”
Teacher: “If you’re a troublemaker, stand up.”
Little Johnny: (stands up)
Teacher: “Are you a troublemaker?”
Little Johnny: “No - I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
Teacher: “In history we have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Can you name another Age?”
Little Johnny: “The sausage.”
Teacher: “Is there anything you can do better than anyone else?”
Little Johnny: “Yes – read my own handwriting.”
Teacher: “It took close to 100 years to build one pyramid.”
Little Johnny: “Must be the same contractor who’s renovating our house.”
Teacher: “Johnny, did you write that poem all by yourself?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, I did.”
Teacher: “Then I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Keats. I thought you died 100 years ago.”
Teacher: “Johnny, how come you’re such a perfect idiot?”
Little Johnny: “I spend a lot of time watching you.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if I put a dozen marbles in my right pocket, fifteen marbles in my left pocket, and thirty-one marbles in my back pocket, what would I have?
Little Johnny: “Heavy pants.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if you were facing east, what would be on your right hand?”
Little Johnny: “My fingers.”
Teacher: “Johnny, I’ve had to send you to the principal’s office every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Little Johnny: “I’m glad it’s Friday!”
Teacher: “Johnny, what is another name for a bunch of bees?”
Little Johnny: “A good report card.”
Teacher: “Johnny – your handwriting is terrible.”
Little Johnny: “That’s OK – I’m going to be a Doctor.”
Teacher: “Many people think fish is brain food. What do you think?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think so. If they’re so smart, why do so many of them get caught?”
Teacher: “Name a great timesaver.”
Little Johnny: “Love at first sight.”
Teacher: “Remember the story of the lamb who strayed from the flock and was eaten by the wolf. If he had remained with the flock, he wouldn’t have been eaten by the wolf, would he?”
Little Johnny: “No – he would have been eaten by us.”
Teacher: “Sometimes I think no one in this class hears a thing I say.”
Little Johnny: “What?”
Teacher: “The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.”
Little Johnny: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”
Teacher: “The President’s wife is the first lady.”
Little Johnny: “I thought Eve was.”
Teacher: “There are many different species of birds, Johnny. What kind of bird do you like best?”
Little Johnny: “Fried chicken.”
Teacher (teaching students about magnets): “This morning we are going to discuss something that starts with the letter ‘M’. It has six letters and picks up things. What is it?”
Little Johnny: “Mother.”
Teacher: “This test is multiple choice.”
Little Johnny: “Then I choose not to take it.”
Teacher: “To have self-confidence you must avoid negative words such as “can’t” and “not”. Do you think you can do that?”
Little Johnny: “I can’t see why not.”
Teacher: “We start school exactly at eight o’clock.”
Little Johnny: “That’s okay with me, but if I’m not here by then just go ahead and start without me.”
Teacher: “What are you doing in the sixth grade?”
Little Johnny: “I was just going to ask you the same question.”
Teacher: “What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny: “A soldier.”
Teacher: “What if you get killed?”
Little Johnny: “Who would kill me?”
Teacher: “The enemy.”
Little Johnny: “Then I’ll be the enemy.”
Teacher: “What do you expect to be when you get out of school?”
Little Johnny: “An old man.”
Teacher: “What family does the octopus belong to?”
Little Johnny: “Nobody I know.”
Teacher: “What’s the definition of ignorance?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “What’s your favourite U.S. state?”
Little Johnny: “Mississippi.”
Teacher: “Spell it.”
Little Johnny: “I changed my mind. It’s Ohio.”
Teacher: “When Eskimos used to trade, they used fish instead of money.”
Little Johnny: “They must have had a hard time getting soda from a machine.”
Teacher: “When I call on you I’d like you to stand up and tell everyone your name.”
Girl: “My name is Jule.”
Teacher: “Please tell us your full name - you shouldn't use contractions. Your full name is Julius. Okay, next – what is your name?”
Little Johnny: “Well, I guess I’m a Johnnius.”
Teacher: “When you yawn, you’re supposed to put your hand to your mouth!”
Little Johnny: “What? And get bitten!”
Teacher: “Whenever I ask a question, I want you to answer at once, Johnny. How much is seven plus two?”
Little Johnny: “At once.”
Teacher: “Where is the English Channel?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know – my TV doesn’t pick it up.”
Teacher: “Where is the Red Sea?”
Little Johnny: “On my report card.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I put it in a safe, but lost the combination.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain works.”
Teacher: “Who succeeded Canada's first prime minister?”
Little Johnny: “The second one.”
Teacher: ”Why are you taking art classes?”
Little Johnny: “So I can draw my own conclusions.”
Teacher: “Why are you writing on a piece of sandpaper?”
Little Johnny: “You told us to write a rough draft.”
Teacher: “Why aren’t you going home from school?”
Little Johnny: “My mother told me not to leave school until I graduate.”
Teacher: “Why can’t you answer any of my questions?”
Little Johnny: “If I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here.”
Teacher: “Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?”
Little Johnny: “Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing.”
Teacher: “Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?”
Little Johnny: “Because it has four eyes and can’t see.”
Teacher: “Will you stop passing notes!”
Little Johnny: “We’re not passing notes – we’re playing cards.”
Teacher: “You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?”
Little Johnny: “No, I’m having trouble listening.”
Teacher: “You copied from Jethro’s exam paper, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “How do you know?”
Teacher: “Jethro’s paper says ‘I don’t know’ and you have put ‘Me, neither’.”
Teacher: “You got excused because you said your grandma was dying. Today I saw her in the beauty salon.”
Little Johnny: “She was dyeing her hair. Now she’s a blonde.”
Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “Not very much.”
Teacher: “You should not say, ‘I ain’t going.’ You should say, ‘I’m not going, he’s not going, they’re not going’.”
Little Johnny: “Gee, ain’t anybody going?”
Teacher: “Your son has the worst report card I’ve ever seen.”
Parent: “What makes it so bad?”
Teacher: “He even flunked recess.”
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tonsillectomy
A family was on its way to the hospital, where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.
She had never been in a hospital before, and was pretty nervous.
During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the girl asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
She had never been in a hospital before, and was pretty nervous.
During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the girl asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The Blonde and the Monkeys
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that has to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that has to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
Friday, November 11, 2005
A Reasonable Request
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. "What time do you open up in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious; he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question.
"Listen" the owner shouted, "there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in."
"I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I just want to get out!
The owner was so furious; he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question.
"Listen" the owner shouted, "there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in."
"I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I just want to get out!
Monday, November 07, 2005
Microsoft Acquires Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2006, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas '06 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas '06. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 2k3 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas['06] as early as November first."
Christmas '06 is scheduled for release in December of 2006, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2007. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2006, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas '06 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas '06. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 2k3 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas['06] as early as November first."
Christmas '06 is scheduled for release in December of 2006, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2007. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Misspelt Name
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death – we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death – we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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