Monday, August 28, 2006

The Reason

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 km/hr, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.  A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said.  "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us.  I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son.  Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed.  "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said.  "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Deaf Book-Keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
  
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.

The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

Never Underestimate Drunkards

Two drunks stumble out of a pub in at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.

The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."

To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet."

The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."

The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"

And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."