Happy New Year

 

Insight

The story goes that Mrs Descartes was throwing a New Year's party to
celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had
invited all the local jet setters.

Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed Descartes
that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until
after midnight to make sure there was enough food to keep the guests
from leaving too soon. To make sure, she tasked Rene with the job of
guarding them until an hour or so after midnight at which time she would
invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he agreed
to mind the table.

As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an
absorbing philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed
a church from the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear
each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the
direction of the forbidden baked goods.

Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughtfully on a
pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realised what
Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke who figured that
Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great
significance. Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and
handed it to Vandyke so as not to attract his wife's attention. However,
just at that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could
only stuff the napkin into his pocket for later.

The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend
had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there scrawled in Descartes hand
was an expression of timeless insight, "I think they're for 1 am."

The Gift

 

Safety Concerns

 

How to install an air conditioner

Wasn't I Alone?

 

Shutup...?!

 

There is no value for brilliance

 

The AFLAC Scam

Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.

The picture below shows the gang in operation.

It's Big

 

Oram Po - Trailer

30th Year Class Reunion Photograph

The Argument

Prosecuting Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Defence Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

World's Most Effective Speed Bump

In the Elevator

How to Speak Chinese

Jackie Chan's Pepsi Commercial

Sawal

Don't Give Up on Vista Ad

Should We Stop Fox Hunting?

 

Snopes

 

That's right!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly man unknowingly left his
glasses on the table and he didn't miss them until they had been driving
about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in
order to return to the restaurant to retrieve his glasses.

All the way back, the elderly wife became the classic grouchy old woman.
She fussed and complained and scolded her husband relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more she chided him, the more agitated she
became. She just wouldn't let up one minute.

To his relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the man got
out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve his glasses, the old bat
yelled to him, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and
the credit card.'

Elf Trimmings...

 

Agile Programming

 

Best first dance at a wedding ever

Polar Bear Attack in Canada

Do Kids Love Santa? - 2

(From: www.sun-sentinel.com/entertainment/holiday/sfl-scaredofsanta-ugc,0,7181908.ugcphotogallery)

Do Kids Love Santa? - 1

(From: www.sun-sentinel.com/entertainment/holiday/sfl-scaredofsanta-ugc,0,7181908.ugcphotogallery)

When Insults had Class

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison,"
And he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang

Friday Morning Jokes

Two guys having a beer in a pub - one asks another:

- Dude, what do you think is worst? Being ignorant or being indifferent?

- I don't know and I don't care

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a normal person and a Microsoft developer?

A normal person sees a non-working light bulb and changes it. A
Microsoft developer will try to convince you that is its expected and
normal state.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bus full of politicians on the campaign trail is traveling on a
country road when it suddenly veers and crashes into a tree. After
seeing the crash, the farmer (a very old man) comes over to check out.
Then goes to the barn, picks up a shovel, makes a huge hole in the
ground and buries all the politicians.

A week later the local sheriff comes around, sees the bus still crashed
into the tree, and asks the farmer where are all the politicians that
were riding into the bus. The farmer replies he buried them all.

- OH ! That's terrible ! Did they all die on impact? - asks the sheriff

- Dunno. Some kept screaming they were alive - but you know how
politicians lie all the time . . .

26 Things Hollywood Movies Have Taught Us

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian
accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: "Enter Password Now."

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak
to each other in English

Evidence of Global Warming in Alaska

 

Resemblance

 

Message for Teens

Ho Ho Ho...

 

Stupid Remote

 

The Lady and the Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady You're
really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey
lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her,
"Hey lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was so ticked that she went
into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady!"

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

A Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father said.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
can call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called Phoenix immediately, and screamed at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Okay," he said,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Early IT Support

 

I Want Change

 

Go Granny!

 

Non-fussy Birthday

 

Ek Sindoor ki Kahani

 

Action Item Man

 

Wedding - SQL Style

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND
HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES('BMW')
END
GO

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Engineers

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the
wrong way.

*******************************************

You might be an engineer if ...

1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM s
a moral dilemma.

2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.

3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your questions.

5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.

9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
special effects.

11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

13) you know what "< < http://http://> < < http://http://> " stands
for.

14) you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
together.

15) you see a good design and still have to change it.

16) you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

17) you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

18) you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

19) you window shop at Radio Shack

20) your laptop computer costs more than your car

21) your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

22) you've already calculated how much you make per second.

23) you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

*******************************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take One:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three:
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Senior Humor

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!'

************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitc hen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red
and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?'

************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, th e old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're
getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope! '

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Will she do your laundry?'

'I doubt it.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I Let's go get a beer.'

************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really?' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

Hillary's Soul

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil
suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you
unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your
every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every
member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and
power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or
do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my
constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

Bush Administration

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to
change a light bulb?

Answer: TEN.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs
to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and
standing on a step ladder, under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush
was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;

8. Another one to viciously smear # 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never
actually managed to change the light bulb.

Computer Generated Puns

* What do you get when you cross a car with a sandwich? A traffic jam
* What do you call a strange rabbit? A funny bunny
* What do you call a frog road? A main toad
* What do you call artist who is a minister? A pastor master

Nokia N 96i.... Very New

For Nokia Lovers

 

Nokia N 96 i
-----------

¥   3 screens ( Phone Screen – Camera Screen – MP3 Player Screen ).

¥   Video Cam – 2 Hours Continous

¥   Photo Camera – 8 Mega Pixels

¥    MP3 Player – Stereo Sound Treble Speakers

¥    Internal Memory 2 GB

¥    External Memory Card 10 GB

¥    Bluetooth

Times have changed...