Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9
Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13
Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11
Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12
A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9
Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
The Test
Once four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. They said they were ready.
On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.
The test consisted of two questions with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. They said they were ready.
On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.
The test consisted of two questions with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
Santa and Banta
There were these two friends and both of them had Sardarji drivers. They were having an argument about whose driver is more stupid. So one of the friends called his driver:"Oye Santa Singh"...
Santa Singh: "Ji praaji"
Boss: "Get this $10 bill, go to Showroom and buy a Mercedes Benz for me"
Santa Singh: "Oh fikar hi na karo ji.. mein abhi aaya"
The boss said to his friend in a winning tone.. "See how stupid he is.. he went to buy a Mercedes for only $10."
The other friend said "Still my driver is more stupid". Then he called his driver Banta Singh and said "Go home and check if I m there."
Banta singh: "Ji mein abhi aata hoon dekh kar.."
Boss: "See my driver is more stupid.. he can't even realize that how can I be at home if I'm here"
Now Santa and Banta met on their way..
Santa Singh: "My boss is sooo stupid.. he gave me $10 to buy a Mercedes.. he doesn't even know that today is Sunday and all showrooms are closed."
Banta Singh: "My boss is even more stupid, he sent me to check if he is at home.. he has a cell phone.. he could have called home and checked if he is there."
Santa Singh: "Ji praaji"
Boss: "Get this $10 bill, go to Showroom and buy a Mercedes Benz for me"
Santa Singh: "Oh fikar hi na karo ji.. mein abhi aaya"
The boss said to his friend in a winning tone.. "See how stupid he is.. he went to buy a Mercedes for only $10."
The other friend said "Still my driver is more stupid". Then he called his driver Banta Singh and said "Go home and check if I m there."
Banta singh: "Ji mein abhi aata hoon dekh kar.."
Boss: "See my driver is more stupid.. he can't even realize that how can I be at home if I'm here"
Now Santa and Banta met on their way..
Santa Singh: "My boss is sooo stupid.. he gave me $10 to buy a Mercedes.. he doesn't even know that today is Sunday and all showrooms are closed."
Banta Singh: "My boss is even more stupid, he sent me to check if he is at home.. he has a cell phone.. he could have called home and checked if he is there."
The Lie Detector
The Police department bought a lie detector. It works in the following way: If the truth is told- the machine wont give any sound. If a lie is told- the machine will give a sound 'TNAAAAA...'
The Police department wanted to test it and chose three men - One Bengali, one Madrasi and one Sardarji.
Their correspondences are given infront of the lie machine. Here it goes......
Bengali:- I think I can eat 30 rosogullas at a time!
Lie machine:- TNAAAAA...
Bengali:- No no, I think I can eat 10 rosogullas at a time
Lie machine:- (No sound - truth is told)
Madrasi:- I think i can eat 25 dosas at a time
Lie machine:- TNAAA...
Madrasi:- No no, I think i can eat 10 dosas at a time
Lie machine:- no sound(truth)
Sardarji:- I think....
Lie machine:- TNAAAAAA.....
Sardarji:- I think...
Lie machine:- TNAAAAAAA......
The Police department wanted to test it and chose three men - One Bengali, one Madrasi and one Sardarji.
Their correspondences are given infront of the lie machine. Here it goes......
Bengali:- I think I can eat 30 rosogullas at a time!
Lie machine:- TNAAAAA...
Bengali:- No no, I think I can eat 10 rosogullas at a time
Lie machine:- (No sound - truth is told)
Madrasi:- I think i can eat 25 dosas at a time
Lie machine:- TNAAA...
Madrasi:- No no, I think i can eat 10 dosas at a time
Lie machine:- no sound(truth)
Sardarji:- I think....
Lie machine:- TNAAAAAA.....
Sardarji:- I think...
Lie machine:- TNAAAAAAA......
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Some Good Rules
LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Really True in Cafeteria)
BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. (That's Very True)
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (ITS DAMN TRUE)
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Really True in Cafeteria)
BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. (That's Very True)
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (ITS DAMN TRUE)
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
Engineers versus Doctors
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So all of them gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet SO when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekh lenge"
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, as from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE.
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket, Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
TC arrives.... ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined........
SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):
SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
The TC Comes.. All Engineers show their tickets.....
...and Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train!!!!!!!!
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet SO when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekh lenge"
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, as from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE.
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket, Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..
TC arrives.... ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined........
SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):
SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
The TC Comes.. All Engineers show their tickets.....
...and Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
The Painting
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
The not-so-dumb blonde!
A man came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of his co-workers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came in and asked him what he's doing.
"Shh," he said, "I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday. ."
A minute later the Boss walked by and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," the Boss said, "take a few days off, and come back when you are de-stressed"
With that, he jumped down and started walking out. His co-worker started following him and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
"Shh," he said, "I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday. ."
A minute later the Boss walked by and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," the Boss said, "take a few days off, and come back when you are de-stressed"
With that, he jumped down and started walking out. His co-worker started following him and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons." He said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons." He said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Beautiful Sound
I'm going to tell you the story of a man who defied all odds to discover his eternal quest - the secret which changed his life forever.
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound, you're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
But.., wait a minute, you're not a monk! I can't tell you what it was.
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound, you're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
But.., wait a minute, you're not a monk! I can't tell you what it was.
Presence of Mind
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." She answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." She answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
What a Logic!
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his Money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to Take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money To the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him".
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it!!!"
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him".
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it!!!"
Beppo Singh Balle Balle!
Beppo Singh returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. "Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that
because I am Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Beppo seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Beppo poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
******************************
Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Beppo Singh are standing when a Britisher comes and asks "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?
Hindu: "Lotus"
Britisher: "Ha I use it as toilet paper everyday!"
Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being national flower.
Muslim: "Chameli"
Britisher: "Ha I use it as toilet paper everyday!"
Muslim is also surprised and angry.
Britisher: "Sardarji and what is your favorite flower?"
Patriotic Beppo: "CACTUS! ab kar le saaf."
******************************
BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.
Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: Condolences, my friend.
After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
******************************
BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
******************************
BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.
Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
******************************
Santa Singh was relaxing in his front yard when his neighbor, Beppo Singh came out of the house and went straight to the mail-box. He opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later he came out of his house and again went to the mail-box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.
As Santa Singh was getting ready to go back inside, Beppo Singh came out again, marched to the mail-box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his actions Santa asked,"Is something wrong?"
To which Beppo Singh replied, "Oye! There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
******************************
Beppo Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.
******************************
Beppo Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.
Beppo said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."
Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"
Beppo Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving.
Bad Memory
One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Beppo Singh, your daughter Preeto just died in an accident"
The sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.
While coming down, when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a
daughter named preeto.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Beppo Singh.
The sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.
While coming down, when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a
daughter named preeto.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Beppo Singh.
Type Of Girls
HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............
Monday, December 27, 2004
Expert Advice
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
You Are Next!
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Drunk Test
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Childlike
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
New Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. Here are the results.
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
AND perhaps the best of all...
- Better late than... pregnant
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
AND perhaps the best of all...
- Better late than... pregnant
Lucky
The police had been told to clean up the neighborhood so it was dead easy when the drunk staggered towards the constable and said: "Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
Resuscitation
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror."Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror."Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
Computed Gender
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Wrongly Concentrated
Q: Why did the Sardar stare at a can of orange juice for four hours?
A: The can had 'Concentrate' printed on it.
A: The can had 'Concentrate' printed on it.
After Thought
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom."Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now,all heads turn toward the dean,who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom."Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now,all heads turn toward the dean,who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Source of Hurt
A woman walks into the doctors office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over."
The doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts," she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says,"You're a natural blonde aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken"
The doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts," she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says,"You're a natural blonde aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken"
Some take longer.....
A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for every person in the bar. They are very happy.
When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply: 'We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months'.
'Two months?' the bar-tender exclaimed, 'it's not supposed to take that long.'
'That's not true,' said the woman, 'it said 2 to 4 years on the box.'
When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply: 'We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months'.
'Two months?' the bar-tender exclaimed, 'it's not supposed to take that long.'
'That's not true,' said the woman, 'it said 2 to 4 years on the box.'
The Heavy Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job,you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!""
That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job,you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!""
That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Misleading Notice
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a Restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta Singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta Singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Advice from Experience
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
Hard Task
Mr.Isar was attending his friend's wife's funeral .
"It must be hard to lose a wife ," remarked Mr.Isar .
" Almost impossible," remarked his friend.
"It must be hard to lose a wife ," remarked Mr.Isar .
" Almost impossible," remarked his friend.
Ever Thought?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Life's Reflections
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Reasons why the English language is hard to learn!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Train Trouble
A train suddenly deviated from the tracks and ran onto the nearby fields before returning on the tracks again. The passengers were horrified at this.
At the next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
The authorities asked him, "Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person."
The sardar replied: "Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."
At the next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
The authorities asked him, "Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person."
The sardar replied: "Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close."
Perfect Fit
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Material Miracle
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
As it rolls down...
Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.
Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
__
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.
Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
__
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
Points to Ponder
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Stupidity got us into this mess... why can't it get us out?
- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
- People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
- It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Give it a thought...
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person that drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person that drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Kids say the darndest things...
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- The climate is hottest next to the creator.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
The Search Party
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Rejecting the Rejection!
Dear Ms. Ezell:
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
Mr. Taylor
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
Mr. Taylor
The braggart
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba!Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba,what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland. I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba!Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba,what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland. I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
What you get depends on the payment
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Job Application
This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday,with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance -I rather not say.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday,with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance -I rather not say.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Following Advice
A surd was going by train from Bombay to Delhi. He kept getting Off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the Train reached Delhi, the sardarji's co-passengers asked him why he kept on Buying tickets instead of buying a ticket of the entire.
The surd replied that His doctor advised him against taking long journeys.
The surd replied that His doctor advised him against taking long journeys.
Y2K or Y To K
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
YtoK Project Leader
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
YtoK Project Leader
Great Wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Courting Contempt
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Ex-Husband
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
Tech Support
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.
"Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."
"Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."
Ah! damn, I missed!
A layman and a vicar were playing golf, and the layman was not having a good game.
"Ah! damn ,I missed !" said the layman at the at the first green . And then missing an easy putt, he said, "Ah! damn, I missed again!"
The layman kept on playing a bad shot, and kept saying, "damn ,I missed."
The vicar put up with this for half the round but then he felt he owed it to the dignity of his calling to say something to the layman.
"You really must not keep using such dreadful language , my dear Sir ," said the Vicar, " or the Lord may well strike you down."
And as the words were out of his mouth, there came a jagged flash of lightening ; and in a split second the vicar was burned to ashes.
Above the rolling thunder clouds, a deep voice was heard to say , "Ah! damn, I missed!"
"Ah! damn ,I missed !" said the layman at the at the first green . And then missing an easy putt, he said, "Ah! damn, I missed again!"
The layman kept on playing a bad shot, and kept saying, "damn ,I missed."
The vicar put up with this for half the round but then he felt he owed it to the dignity of his calling to say something to the layman.
"You really must not keep using such dreadful language , my dear Sir ," said the Vicar, " or the Lord may well strike you down."
And as the words were out of his mouth, there came a jagged flash of lightening ; and in a split second the vicar was burned to ashes.
Above the rolling thunder clouds, a deep voice was heard to say , "Ah! damn, I missed!"
Definitive Definitions
An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Ventriloquist and the Blond
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ba***rd sitting on your knee!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ba***rd sitting on your knee!"
Sardar - The detective
A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were getting trained to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers,"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?"
"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers,"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an acute observation?"
"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
If you are having a bad day...
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Figure it Out!
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in wildlife zoology. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin." With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?"
"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments."
The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable."
"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also."
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack.
"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please."
The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replied, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
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