The biggest threat to America

 

Benefit Cuts

The Economy is so bad that...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $700 billion disappear.

Twins... is that how it's done?

 

You can't fix Stupid

 

Comments in Source Code

1.
    /// <summary>
    /// Class used to work around Richard being a fucking idiot
    /// </summary>
    /// <remarks>
    /// The point of this is to work around his poor design so that paging will
    /// work on a mobile control. The main problem is the BindCompany() method,
    /// which he hoped would be able to do everything. I hope he dies.
    /// </remarks>

 

 
2.
// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets
// released into the public.

 

3.
// Magic. Do not touch.
 

 

4.
return 1; # returns 1
 

 

5.
/* This is O(scary), but seems quick enough in practice. */
 

 

6.
/*
 * You may think you know what the following code does.
 * But you dont. Trust me.
 * Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
 * night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
 * enough to "optimize" the code below.
 * Now close this file and go play with something else.
 */

 

7.
//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

Precious

 

You Know It's Time to Diet when...

 

.* You dance and it makes the band skip.

 

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

 

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

 

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

 

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

 

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

 

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

 

* You could sell shade.

 

* Your blood type is Ragu.

 

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'

Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.  Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."  The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."  The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

St. Peter and the Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

 

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

 

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

 

I yelled, 'Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

 

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

 

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

Funny Signs

 

The Rebate

 

Riding a Dead Horse

Dakota tribal wisdom  says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

 

However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

   1. Buying a stronger whip.
   2. Changing riders.
   3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
   4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
   5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
   6. Increasing the standards to qualify as a dead horse rider.
   7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
   8. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
   9. Unilaterally declaring, "no horse is too dead to beat."
  10. Blaming the horse's parents.
  11. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
  12. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride the horse cheaper.
  13. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
  14. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
  15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Useful flowchart for horse owners

 

Wear Your Rear Seatbelt

Secret Service

I went to Easter Service at my church today., and as I was leaving. The Bishop was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me aside.
 
The Bishop  said, "Dennis, You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
 
I  said to him, "Bishop, I'm already in the Army of the Lord, "
 
The Bishop  questioned, "How come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"
 
I whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

A Question

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.   So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

 

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

 

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

 

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

 

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

 

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Firearms Salesman of the Year

 

Animal Sounds

 

Cartoons on Current Affairs