Rajanikant Special

 

I Love Poetry

 

Three Detectives

A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become
detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?'

The first one answers, 'That's easy; we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!' The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the
picture I showed is his side profile.'

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, 'This is your suspect, and
how would you recognize him?'

The second one smiles and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because
he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter
with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because
it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come
up with?'

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
one and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?

He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.' He looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears
contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well,
that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check
his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes
to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back
with a beaming smile on his face.

'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?'

'That's easy,' he replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.'

So You Want A Female President?

 

Long Day

 

Some More Funny Pics

Some Funny Pics

To come first in the University......(Tips in Tamil)

பல்கலைக்கழகத்திலேயே முதல் மாணவனா வர சில எளிய வழிகள் ..

அதிகாலையில் 4 மணிக்கு எழுந்திருங்க .. குளிரடிச்சாலும் குளிக்க மறக்காதீங்க .. அதுவும் பச்சைத் தண்ணில குளிச்சா ரொம்ப நல்லது . ஒரு அஞ்சு மணி வாக்கில அம்மா தர்ற டீயையோ சாப்பிட்டுட்டு டி . வி . ஆன் பண்ணுங்க .. லோக்கல் சானல்ல நல்ல பக்தி பாட்டு போடுவாங்க .. இல்லேண்ணா சி .டி . யில பி .சுசிலாவோட பக்திப் பாடல் போட்டு அட்மாஸ்பியர் கிரியேட் பண்ணுங்க .. சூழ்நிலை ரொம்ப முக்கியம் .. மனசை ஒருமுகப் படுத்துங்க .. இப்ப ஆறு மணி ஆகியிருக்கும் .. இப்ப கெளம்புனீங்கன்னா நிச்சயமா நீங்கதான் யுனிவர்சிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்ட் .. ஒரு ஆறரைக்கெல்லாம் போயிரலாம் .. யுனிவர்சிட்டிக்கு ..!

Black Robbers - True Story

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to
eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These
two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot;
they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are
powerful, and immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read
her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious
now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do
what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw
out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins
rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words
out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted
her head
and up at the two men They reached down to help her up. Confused, she
struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor,"
said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard
time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've
made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were
going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them
gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the
elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her
room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a
good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring
with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed
herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for
dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

How stock market works...

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red
Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was
Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his
Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
Of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is
Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
Responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather
Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again. "Are you Absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to
be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The
Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

This is how stock markets work!!!

Little Becky - The Prank Caller

Here’s some great audio of an 8-year old girl from Dublin, Ireland making prank phone calls. Becky is featured on an Irish morning radio show.

Becky’s Demolition Company

Becky’s Driving Test

Becky Rings the Zoo

Becky and the Spare Tyre

Becky Wants to Be a Hairdresser

Becky Calls Up An Annoying Advertiser From TV

Becky Wants To Be a Footballer’s Wife

Becky Hires a Crane (and starts to crack up!)

Becky Pretends to Be Mariah Carey

(From: http://www.johntedwards.com/2006/10/15/little-irish-girl-prank-calls/)

New Bluetooth Technology

 

Some Questions

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be
given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good
thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just
sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God
knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I
will stayand watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange
isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on
your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?

Another Toy Recalled

If you or anyone you know has one of these, it has been recalled as
being unsafe...

Murphy's Laws

The PRIME Axiom: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can
go wrong, will.

2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one
that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is
actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of
work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found
to make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of
plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors
adding in the same direction.
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more
than one person is involved.
16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly
placed if more than one person is involved.
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of
the final invoice.
18. Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and
one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

Creative Ads

An Amazing Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Duck

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. 

 

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 

 "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
  

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
 

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get  many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the   duck.
 

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to  him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused. "What the hecck would they want with a plasterer?"

Chimp Delivery

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. 

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"  

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"  

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?   I'll give you $100 for your trouble."  

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.  

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World"

--  

Movie Mistakes

 

Coincidence Photography

 

The end is near

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

                   The End is Near!
                   Turn Yourself Around Now
                   Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?'

Bass Yahi Baki tha...

 

 

True sentiments?

The Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well, I'm not sure " began the blonde, "I just got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

The New Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

Golf Truisms

May thy ball lie in green pastures ~ and not in still waters.
~ Author Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.
Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~ Bob Hope

My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ Author Unknown

Blondes have more fun

Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. ( The British are well known as "Cool")

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Politics

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Corporate Cartoon

You know you're from a small town if...

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

~ You used to drag "main."

~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.

~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).

~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.

~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.

~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

Shoe Dealer

Reserved Parking

At the golf course...

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

The Small Voice

A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."


"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

ATM Procedure for Men and Women

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Software Jokes

Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
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Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
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PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
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Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
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Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
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Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
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Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
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Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
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Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
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Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
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Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
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Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
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Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
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Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
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Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
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Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
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Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
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Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!

Couldn't Spell

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"

Never Trust the Pirates

The Drinking Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Types of People

* There are two types of people in this world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

* There are ten types of people in this world - those who know binary and those
who don't.

The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"