Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The end is near
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?'
The priest turns to the pastor and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?'
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Blonde Pilot
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.
The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well, I'm not sure " began the blonde, "I just got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.
The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well, I'm not sure " began the blonde, "I just got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The New Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Golf Truisms
May thy ball lie in green pastures ~ and not in still waters.
~ Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.
Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~ Bob Hope
My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ Author Unknown
~ Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.
Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~ Bob Hope
My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ Author Unknown
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. ( The British are well known as "Cool")
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Politics
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
You know you're from a small town if...
~ You can name everyone you graduated with.
~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
~ You used to drag "main."
~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.
~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.
~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
~ You used to drag "main."
~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.
~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.
~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
At the golf course...
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
The Small Voice
A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
ATM Procedure for Men and Women
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Software Jokes
Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
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Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
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Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
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Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
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Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!
Somu : public member or private?
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Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
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PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
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Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
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Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
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Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
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Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
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Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
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Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
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Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
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Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!
Friday, July 06, 2007
Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"
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