There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to meet their old friend the President Dr. Zail Singh.
The Sardars decide to take a taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs.28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
____
7 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).
7
--
21
21
--
0
--
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation! They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare.
Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads(?) in appreciation.
The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
--
28
--
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh.
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28)
21
+ 7
--
28 This checks out as well.
--
Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
No Kidding!
1. Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
2. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
3. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
4. Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
5. Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
6. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
7. God made relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends!
8. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
9. Do you know of an Indian who parked his car in front of a board which said: FINE FOR PARKING?
10. A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed, "When do we get started?"
11. Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids.
12. I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes, Meow.
13. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
14. When a wife was asked, "What book does you like best?" she answers: "My husband's cheque book."
15. Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
16. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
17. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
18. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
No, 35 children are more than enough!
2. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
3. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
4. Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
5. Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
6. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
7. God made relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends!
8. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
9. Do you know of an Indian who parked his car in front of a board which said: FINE FOR PARKING?
10. A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed, "When do we get started?"
11. Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids.
12. I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes, Meow.
13. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
14. When a wife was asked, "What book does you like best?" she answers: "My husband's cheque book."
15. Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
16. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
17. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
18. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
Quips
"The White House has hired a new pastry chef. The uncomfor- table thing is that he was also hired to be the Secretary of Defense." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Rocky 6 is now in the theater. Don't kid yourself, Rocky is getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says, 'What am I in here for?'" --Dave Letterman
***
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
***
"Rocky 6 is now in the theater. Don't kid yourself, Rocky is getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says, 'What am I in here for?'" --Dave Letterman
***
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
Defrosters
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
One of those days...
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, an- nounced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, an- nounced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
How Government Bidding Works
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
"Done."
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
"Done."
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
The King's Toaster
This is an oldie (which came out when the 80386 was a future hot processor and PCs still shipped with 640 Kbytes of DRAM), but it continues to be instructive...
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16- element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface.
When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16- element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface.
When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after.
The Prisoner
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Geronimo
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Technologically Challenged
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
Call Center Nightmare
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
If ______ made toasters....
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
FBI
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Valentine Oneliners
Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. “I find you very attractive.”
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. “You’re fun to hang around with.”
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. “I love you a whole watt!”
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. “I love you a ton!”
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. “I’m sweet on you!”
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A. Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Q. What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A. “I love you with all my art!”
Q. What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
A. He gives it a valenshine!
Q. What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
A. “I’ve got a crutch on you!”
Q. Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
A. It was a case of guppy love.
Q. What do you call two birds in love?
A. Tweethearts!
Q. Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
A. Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
Q. Why is Valentine’s Day the best day for a celebration?
A. Because you can really party hearty!
Q. What did one oar say to the other?
A. “Can I interest you in a little row-mance?”
Q. What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
A. It made him wed his plants!
Q. What happened when the two angels got married?
A. They lived harpily ever after!
Girl : “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy : “Really?”
Girl : “Yeah, you make me sick!”
Q. Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
A. Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
Q. Why do men like love at first sight ?
Answer from a Female : It saves them a lot of time !
Answer from a Male : Love will vanish when she starts talking!
Q. Why man holds a woman’s hand ?
A.1 : before marriage, it is love;
A.2 : after marriage, it is self-defense !
A. Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. “I find you very attractive.”
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. “You’re fun to hang around with.”
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. “I love you a whole watt!”
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. “I love you a ton!”
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. “I’m sweet on you!”
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A. Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Q. What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A. “I love you with all my art!”
Q. What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
A. He gives it a valenshine!
Q. What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
A. “I’ve got a crutch on you!”
Q. Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
A. It was a case of guppy love.
Q. What do you call two birds in love?
A. Tweethearts!
Q. Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?
A. Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
Q. Why is Valentine’s Day the best day for a celebration?
A. Because you can really party hearty!
Q. What did one oar say to the other?
A. “Can I interest you in a little row-mance?”
Q. What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
A. It made him wed his plants!
Q. What happened when the two angels got married?
A. They lived harpily ever after!
Girl : “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy : “Really?”
Girl : “Yeah, you make me sick!”
Q. Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
A. Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
Q. Why do men like love at first sight ?
Answer from a Female : It saves them a lot of time !
Answer from a Male : Love will vanish when she starts talking!
Q. Why man holds a woman’s hand ?
A.1 : before marriage, it is love;
A.2 : after marriage, it is self-defense !
Friday, November 24, 2006
Alocohol Effect
One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar and asked the bartender : "What all do you have".
Bartender :"We have whisky, rum, vodka,gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first,give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky,
Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Lord Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"
Lord Shiva : "kulanthaai Naaan thaan siva perumaaan"
Bartender : Thoda... Ippo thhaaan mappillaikku ... mappu yeruthu ……
Bartender :"We have whisky, rum, vodka,gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first,give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky,
Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Lord Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"
Lord Shiva : "kulanthaai Naaan thaan siva perumaaan"
Bartender : Thoda... Ippo thhaaan mappillaikku ... mappu yeruthu ……
Talking Chinese
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree
Friday, November 17, 2006
The Lie Clock
Rabri Devi died and went to heaven .As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Yamraj answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rabri,
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never
told a lie."
"And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us
that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"
Laloo"s clock is in my office", replied yamraj,
"I'm using it as a ceiling fan".
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Yamraj answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rabri,
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never
told a lie."
"And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us
that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"
Laloo"s clock is in my office", replied yamraj,
"I'm using it as a ceiling fan".
Friday, November 10, 2006
The Collection
Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.
Some trainees, who had just joined,notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager. They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Some trainees, who had just joined,notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager. They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Three Eager Blondes
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position in the Detective Division of the Dallas, Texas, Police Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So, y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded eagerly.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened the folder and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features, and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the picture in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a few seconds. "Now, did you notice any distinguishing features on this man?"
The blonde immediately answered, "Yes, Sir, I did! He only has one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he only has one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!!!!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked sadly out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photograph in her face for a few seconds, pulled it away and asked, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Oh, yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! Your'e dismissed, too!"
The second blonde turned and walked sheepishly out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said wearily, "This is probably a waste of time," but he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde replied eagerly, "I sure did! I just bet this man wears contact lenses!"
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, you're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
The blondes all nodded eagerly.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened the folder and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features, and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the picture in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a few seconds. "Now, did you notice any distinguishing features on this man?"
The blonde immediately answered, "Yes, Sir, I did! He only has one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he only has one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!!!!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked sadly out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photograph in her face for a few seconds, pulled it away and asked, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Oh, yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! Your'e dismissed, too!"
The second blonde turned and walked sheepishly out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said wearily, "This is probably a waste of time," but he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde replied eagerly, "I sure did! I just bet this man wears contact lenses!"
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, you're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, and then ask him to spell the company name, and then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, and then ask him to spell the company name, and then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Caught Overspeeding
After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief,"he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him,"says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well,"said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief,"he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him,"says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well,"said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
Monday, September 25, 2006
Banta's Java Interview
Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost, which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a ___Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
A. Terms are different ... nothing more
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost, which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a ___Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
Lateral Thinking
Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"
The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question."
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: “What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s DAY sir!"
“How?" the interviewer asked.
“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question."
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: “What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s DAY sir!"
“How?" the interviewer asked.
“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Thursday, September 14, 2006
ICICI Bank customers
Mahesh and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
Ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Mahesh turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Mahesh, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Mahesh," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Mahesh grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Mahesh answers, "They'll find us!"
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
Ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Mahesh turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Mahesh, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Mahesh," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Mahesh grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Mahesh answers, "They'll find us!"
Opening in the CIA for an Assassin
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
Therefore, after sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman - but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances', they explained. 'Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'
The man was obviously shocked and said 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!' 'Well', replied the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for this job then.'
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun, saying 'We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances
'Inside you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'
The second man also looked shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, and then the door opened. The man came out the room with tears in his eyes.
'I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'
'No' the CIA man replied, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. 'Now there is only the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the gun.
'We must be sure that you will follow Instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill him.'
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed, the CIA recruiters heard the gun firing repeatedly. There was one shot after another for 13 shots, and then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!'
Therefore, after sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman - but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances', they explained. 'Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'
The man was obviously shocked and said 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!' 'Well', replied the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for this job then.'
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun, saying 'We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances
'Inside you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'
The second man also looked shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, and then the door opened. The man came out the room with tears in his eyes.
'I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'
'No' the CIA man replied, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. 'Now there is only the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the gun.
'We must be sure that you will follow Instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill him.'
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed, the CIA recruiters heard the gun firing repeatedly. There was one shot after another for 13 shots, and then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!'
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
The British Version
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END... except...
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END... (and it may well be just that)
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END... except...
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END... (and it may well be just that)
Taxes
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Boys Will Be Boys
And you find out interesting things when you have sons, like…
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Phone Bill
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.
Mom: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone. I use the one at the office.
Mom: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.
Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
Friday, September 01, 2006
United Air
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right - you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my air vent doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your air vent is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? Whatever will I do with it?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right - you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my air vent doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your air vent is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? Whatever will I do with it?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
The Unwelcome Guest
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Bubba Sells Life Insurance
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitiled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up rate for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor recruits nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go into war and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. But if you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now," Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up rate for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor recruits nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go into war and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. But if you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now," Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
The Drunk Guy
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
To Ponder Over...
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
The Whys
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Monday, August 28, 2006
The Reason
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 km/hr, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
Thursday, August 24, 2006
The Deaf Book-Keeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"
Never Underestimate Drunkards
Two drunks stumble out of a pub in at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sardarji Jokes
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, its 1258.
Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part? Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, its 1258.
Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part? Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Seniors
A college student at a Carolina football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have satellite television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and, uh ......"
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little head! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation?"
"Today we have satellite television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and, uh ......"
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little head! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation?"
Friday, July 14, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
Cruising with a Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in.. Well.. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in.. Well.. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.
The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Bad News
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod that your parrot died.”
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!"
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod that your parrot died.”
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!"
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The First Time
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...”
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...”
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Worried Boss
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Red Indian
Two cowboys come upon a Red Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Red Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Red Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Red Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Red Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Red Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The Lawnmower
When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only A few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only A few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Area 51
US Air Force has a high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but before that.... my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but before that.... my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Her Diary/His Diary
HER DIARY:
Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with myfriends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bitlate, but he made nocomment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so wecould talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as ifhe wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distantand absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minuteslater he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so Idecided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that histhoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!
Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with myfriends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bitlate, but he made nocomment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so wecould talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as ifhe wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distantand absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minuteslater he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so Idecided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that histhoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!
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