An Obscure Joke

Q: How do you put an elephant in the freezer?
A: You open the freezer door, put the elephant in and close the freezer door.

Q: How do you put a giraffe in the freezer?
A: You open the freezer door, take the elephant out, put in the giraffe and then close the door.

Q: The king of the jungle calls a meeting. Which animal doesn't show up?
A: The giraffe, he's in the freezer!

Q: While walking through the jungle you come to river where all the crocodiles live. How do you get across?
A: Just swim across. The crocodiles are at the meeting.

Poor Wages

A man owned a small cotton farm outside Lubbock. Wage & Hour officials claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.  

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

Ant Jokes

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

Women will be Women

Two Women Talking:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, and see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Now Two Men Talking:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

The Polish Guy

A man from Poland goes to an optometrist who asks him to read the letters off the chart:

    "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"

"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

When Niel Armstrong landed on the moon...

Bible Sales

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each To raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last Week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I Am A professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A Good Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The Fly Swatter

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh... Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Laloo the Great

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.,

A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.

Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said: "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hain."

Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...

"Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa - par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee karoonga. Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad --- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya, You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho, our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai, Please do not send any furthur correspondance ---- ab Letter vetter bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee. No phone call ---- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai, shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi. Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad. Bill Gates ---- Bilva."

Hammer Homicide

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

The New English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Presence of Mind

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
....Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad... It's the best I could do for you from here.

Sardarji in Pain

One day Sardarji goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts'.

The doctor says 'OK. Touch your elbow.'

The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head'.

The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.

Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.

Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says;'We've found your problem.

Sardarji: 'Oh yeah? What is it?'

Doctor: 'You've broken your finger!

Just for Laughs

One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar.

He asked the bartender : "What all do u have".

Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka,gin, beer etc etc.".

Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first,give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky,

Lord shiva decided to try Rum.

Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".

After having 5 bottles of Rum, Lord Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.

Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"

Lord Shiva : " kulanthaai Naaan thaan siva permaaan".

Bartender : Thoda...Ippo thhaaan Mappu yeriruku ..

Old Crabby Advice

[01] Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Please, just get the hell out of here and leave me alone.

[02] Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experiences come from what you thought was a good judgment.

[03] In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have yet to reach their level of incompetence.

[04] If you want a winning team for the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet at once, not seven people who can jump one foot each and try to mount on top of each other.

[05] The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Similar way you can quadruple.

[06] Those who can do, cannot teach. Those who can't teach, administer. Those who cannot even administer, finally become successful consultants.

[07] A closed mouth gathers no foot.

[08] Duct tape is like “the force” with a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

[09] Everybody lies. But does it really matter? Nobody listens anyway.

[10] Your learning ability goes down when your lips are moving. Faster the lips movement, slower the learning ability.

[11] Experience usually arrives late and only after you had just needed it a few moments back.

[12] When you direct dial a wrong long distance number, you never get a busy tone.

[13] Never miss a good chance to shut up.

[14] The challenge in solving of the problem lies in finding the right solvers.

[15] If anything can go wrong, it will do so in multiple forms.

[16] There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

[17] No matter whatever happens some wise guy will find a way to take it far too seriously.

[18] Important telephone rings when you are on toilet seat without phone.
.
[19] The probability of your meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

[20] The Journey of a thousand miles usually begins with broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

[21] Great discoveries are made by stupidity of mistakes. Go ahead screw up.

[22] A good listener has nodding head and active thinking mind on some other subjects. And you can't fool your wife about it.

[23] Who said money can't buy love? Try with more of it you stingy old fool. There is price tag for every thing.

[24] It is always dark before dawn, So if you are going to steal your neighbors newspapers, that's time to do it.

[25] Promotion is hard for irreplaceable. If you can be replaced than you can be promoted.

[26] And don’t ever forget, that you are unique just like rest of us here.

[27] Friends come and go, but enemies come and stick.

[28] Don’t lower your both feet in water at the same time to test the depth of water.

[29] If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster.

[30] If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

[31] If you don't succeed at first try, skydiving will never be for you.

[32] If in any organization you find one employee who knows what is going on. Gang up and get this idiot fired.

[33] The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Jokes

1. Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

2. A happy boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I'll give everyone a check for Rs.5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.

3. Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa Singh was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!

5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.

6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.

7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

8.Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

9.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)

10. An SMS : Sincere Apology: If u dont like any of my SMS n dont like 2 read, then plz dont hesitate, feel free to..... throw ur mobile!!

Funny Newspaper Headlines

1 "Overeating main cause of obesity"
2 "Dog kills cat, self"
3 "Two ships collide. One dead"
4 "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5 "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6 "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7 "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8 "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9 "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10 "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
11 "Deer Kill 17,000"
12 "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
13 "Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
14 "Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"
15 "New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"
16 "Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
17 "Scientists discover life causes cancer."
18 "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
19 "No, the world isn't about to end. However, if we're wrong, we'll apologize afterwards."
20 "Intel to Replace Circuit Boards with Glitch"

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. Be careful not to get the boiling water on the outside of your mouth. It may cause a severe burn.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape; If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Thoughts to Ponder...

* I had amnesia once -- or twice.

* All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

* If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

* One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

* The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help groups"?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Bats

Two vampire bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."

"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

How To Tick People Off

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."