1) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues"
2) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4) When a half-day at work means leaving at 7:30 in the evening (and U actually feel guilty about it).
5) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
8) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
9) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
10) U havent played Solitaire with real cards in years.
11) U tell everyone your favourite book is "Who Moved my Cheese?" when in reality U couldnt even finish that. Ur real favourite book is the Oracle manual for PL/SQL.
12) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
13) U secretly visit sites like *jeevansathi.com* and *shaadi.com* and hope no one is watching, especially that girl in HR.
14) U dont go abroad anymore, but go 'on site'. And when U go 'on site' your mama, chacha and l'il cousin Chintu come to see u off.
15) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
16) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
17) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
18) Ur prime source of sleazy entertainment is the Femina issues in the office library.
20) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
21) Ur criteria for visiting a restaurant is whether it accepts 'Ticket restaurant' coupons or 'Sodhexo' passes.
22) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
23) U read this list and kept nodding & smiling.
24) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The Wife
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to someplace expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station.
So I took her to a gas station.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
The Smart Bird
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
Over the next few days, every time she passed in front of that store, the same parrot would never miss the opportunity to say to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she finally went into the store and said that she would sue the owner and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say those inappropriate words to her ever again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
At which point, the bird winked at her and whispered, "Well, you know..."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
Over the next few days, every time she passed in front of that store, the same parrot would never miss the opportunity to say to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she finally went into the store and said that she would sue the owner and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say those inappropriate words to her ever again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
At which point, the bird winked at her and whispered, "Well, you know..."
The Photographer
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder lightning, like a flaming word, would cut through the sky.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drove up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look Pretty, God keeps taking my picture."
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder lightning, like a flaming word, would cut through the sky.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drove up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look Pretty, God keeps taking my picture."
Alabama Wisdom
A young fella from Alabama was stopped by a game warden in LA (Lower Alabama) recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a small lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The Debate
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral services are coming up next week.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral services are coming up next week.
Report from Camp...
Dear Mom And Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnnie
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnnie
You're living in 2005 when....
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the TV.
6) Your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) And.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
10) You actually went back up to check that there was no 5
11) ...& now you're laughing at your stupidity
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the TV.
6) Your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) And.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
10) You actually went back up to check that there was no 5
11) ...& now you're laughing at your stupidity
On Aging...
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Then you forget to pull it down.
Rx
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied,
"Then I'm wondering just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
"Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied,
"Then I'm wondering just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
The Doctor
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Alabama Wisdom
A young fella from Alabama was stopped by a game warden in LA (Lower Alabama) recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a small lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Join The Queue
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
Saturday, July 09, 2005
The Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods; "What majestic trees! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying "You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly at the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, for which I am truly thankful."
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying "You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly at the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, for which I am truly thankful."
Monday, July 04, 2005
The Art of Breaking Bad News!
At dawn the telephone rings....
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there is a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's that one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's .....! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there is a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's that one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's .....! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
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