Cats

 

Lady in the Parking Lot

A lady pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh air. 

 

The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there.  As she walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" 

 

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

The real purpose of Wal-Mart

A blonde was weeding her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass. 

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL*MART! 

Why WAL*MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO! 



 

 

 

 

 

 

WAL*MART is the largest retailer in the world!!! 

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Obituary of the late Mr.Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 

 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

 

Why the early bird gets the worm;

 

Life isn't always fair;

 

and Maybe it was my fault.
 

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies as don't spend more than you earn and reliable strategies such as adults, not children, are in charge.

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

 

Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;

 

Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;

 

A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;

 

churches became businesses; and

 

criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault if you did.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

 

 
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers;  I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Why Middle Age Women Should Probably Just Stay Home

Increment

 

When you are from the country...

When you're from the country you look at things a little different.......... 

 

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 

 
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 

 
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 

 
'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 

 
'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 

 
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 

 
'He went with Mom and Dad.' 

 
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 

 
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to barrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 

 
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.' 

 
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $15 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Recipe for Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.   She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Room Service

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud!"
G: "You're welcome."

Bill Gates not happy with Windows

2003Jangatesmoviemaker - Upload a Document to Scribd

Read this document on Scribd: 2003Jangatesmoviemaker

How to Disappear from Boss

 

It Happens in IT

 

Characters in Office

 

Office Meeting

 

Searching for Software Grooms

A conversation abt the process of selecting a software bridegroom…. 
 

 

Nithya: hey!  what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden?

 

Nithya: do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come.. in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select; I am confused because of it. 
 

Vidhya:  what is the confusion about?

 

Nithya: horoscopes of many software engineers have come. It seems now a days, the software guys are wanting to marry girls in the other field. That's  I why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a software engineer na pls give me some suggestion . 
 

 

Vidhya: not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.

 

 

 

Nithya: first is a manager.

 

Vidhya: manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it, he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how I can prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept. 
 

 

 

Nithya: ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer.

 

Vidhya: he is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with 10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it. If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is sooo good …

 

 

 
Nithya: then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer.

 

Vidhya: he is another specimen... even if everything is good; he will ask why it took this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if you want to do make up in your life !!!

 

Nithya: then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys??

 

Vidhya: who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear.

 

Nithya: then tell about them.

 

 

Vidhya: you don't have to do anything. They will do everything themselves. If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them is- they will say "I  know it" whatever you ask them. Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them every time.

 

Nithya: this is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom…. 

 

Breaking News: Water on Mars...!

First picture from NASA of water on Mars!!

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Security Policy

CMM Level 1...

CMM Level 2...

CMM Level 3...

Verizon Wireless Surprises Customer

The Verizon "can you hear me guy" and network show up and follow someone around, just like on TV. He and everyone else in the park were taken by surprise.


Verizon Wireless Surprises Customer - Watch more free videos

Height of Globalization

 

Funny CV

 

Warning

 

A Difficult Judgment

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up a Bar, which was right opposite to a  place of worship. The place of worship & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

 

Work progressed.. .. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

 

The place of worship folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the place of worship authorities on the grounds that the place of worship through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the ill fate of his dream project, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

 

In its reply to the court, the place of worship vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar's burning down. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire place of worship and its devotees that doesn't.

Life support

Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room talking about the
many things of life... in-between... we talked about the idea of living or
dying.

I said to her: ' Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that
state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me
alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards
me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the
Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the
fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!

How's your day going?

 

Quote Unquote

To get my unemployment checks, I had to attend a workshop for job seekers.  I decided to pass on the

English-as-a-second-language seminar after the teacher explained it was for those of us who "do not feel

their English is that good or would just like it to be more stronger."

          -Brad Zukowski

 

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.  When you have to wait a year

to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

          -George Carlin

 

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach.

          Steven Wright

 

Driving along a country road, I ignored a 'Bridge Out' sign and continued on.  But in a few miles I came

to a stop:  The road was completely barricaded.  So I turned around and retraced my route.  That's when

I saw this sign on the back of the first:  "It was, wasn't it?"

          -Thomas Roy

 

My heart sank as I read the spam that began, "By opening this email, you have activated the Amish

computer virus."  Then I realized that not only was my computer in jeopardy, so was my reputation,

as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this works on the honor system.  Please

delete all your files.  Thank you."

          -Tracie Walker

 

There are three kinds of people in the world - those who are good at math and those who aren't.

          -Kimberley Deaton

 

I have CDO.  It's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they're supposed to be.

          -Hanan Rahman

Height of Cost Cutting

 

International Symbol of Marriage

 

A Sign of the Times

 

We change technology, or is it the other way around?

If Inflation Doesn't Stop

 

FaceBook In Reality

Ball Markers For Sale

A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.

Vote for Me!

Divorce Cakes

Evolution of highway robbery