Times have changed...

Early Training

Orkut Jollu

 

Titanic in Tamil

World Without Engineers

If dogs ruled the earth...

Next Version of Windows

 

Birthday

 

Indian Mother

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3
women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother
agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

Drinking

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits
in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai,
the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he,
said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

"The only thing is I just quit drinking!!!"

Bumper Stickers

 

Clinton Genealogy

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph
of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture
is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana
Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six
times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889'.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of
Professional Image adjusters sent back the following biographical
sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana rail road. Beginning in 1883, he
devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the rail road. In 1887,
he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which
he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done, folks!

New Cell Phone Law starting Jan.1, 2008

Cell phones - New Law:

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2008
you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you
have a 'hands free' adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50
for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in
the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with
an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I
paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with
Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Two Line Rhymes

These are entries to a Washnigton Post competition asking for a two-line
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the f irewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Baby Talk

Marriage

US in the Year 1907

* The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.

* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.

* Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

* There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved
roads.

* The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

* Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California

* With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most
populous state in the Union .

* The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

* The average wage in the US . Was 22 Cents per hour.

* The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

* A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist
made $2,500 per year, A veterinarian $1,500 per year, And a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.

* More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.

* Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead,
they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in
the press AND the government as "substandard."

* Sugar cost four cents a pound.

* Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

* Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

* Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.

* Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.

* Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

* The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

* The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

* Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

* There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

* Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.

* Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

* Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears
the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

* There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Shopping

 

Unmasked

 

Government's new plan to avoid Foot-board Travel

Ad In An Irish Newspaper

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper......

Automobile for Sale

* 1985 Blue Volkswagen as new
* Only done 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used .
* Never driven hard. Original tyres. Original brakes.
* Original fuel and Oil
* Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.
* Photo attached

Some Jokes

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

The World's Funniest Joke

People all over the world posted their jokes to a website and then rated
those of others. It turns out that one of the funniest animals in a joke
is a duck, and not because of its rhyming capabilities. No, apparently
it might have something to with the hard 'k' sound. This joke, while not
the best, was highly rated:

Two ducks were sitting in a pond. One of the ducks said:
'Quack.' The other duck said: 'I was going to say that.'

So, here it is, the world's best joke:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is
dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says:
"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There
is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Life's too Short for the Wrong Job

 

The Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world ???? ".

The survey was a huge failure..... ...

Do you know WHY?


§ In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

§ In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

§ In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

§ In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

§ In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

§ In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

§ And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Sign You're Driving Too Fast........

I got stopped for speeding the other day. I thought I could talk my way
out of it until the cop saw my dog in the back seat....

Appraisal Mazaa hai ya Mehanat...?

Deja vu?

I was having a conversation with my Project Manager (PM) during a
deadline when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of
footsteps on the sands of time.

I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most
difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but
why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the
project??" to which the PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was
always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during
those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

Technically Challenged

 

Ancient Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

Prayer

A Letter to the Bank

(A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager, thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.)


Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

- Your Humble Client

The Blonde Driver And The Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is,"she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Honest Lawyer!?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your
Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby.

Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Bobby.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.