Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Insight
The story goes that Mrs Descartes was throwing a New Year's party to
celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had
invited all the local jet setters.
celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had
invited all the local jet setters.
Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed Descartes
that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until
after midnight to make sure there was enough food to keep the guests
from leaving too soon. To make sure, she tasked Rene with the job of
guarding them until an hour or so after midnight at which time she would
invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he agreed
to mind the table.
As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an
absorbing philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed
a church from the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear
each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the
direction of the forbidden baked goods.
Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughtfully on a
pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realised what
Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke who figured that
Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great
significance. Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and
handed it to Vandyke so as not to attract his wife's attention. However,
just at that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could
only stuff the napkin into his pocket for later.
The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend
had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there scrawled in Descartes hand
was an expression of timeless insight, "I think they're for 1 am."
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The AFLAC Scam
Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.
The picture below shows the gang in operation.
While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.
The picture below shows the gang in operation.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Argument
Prosecuting Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Defence Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
Defence Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
That's right!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly man unknowingly left his
glasses on the table and he didn't miss them until they had been driving
about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in
order to return to the restaurant to retrieve his glasses.
All the way back, the elderly wife became the classic grouchy old woman.
She fussed and complained and scolded her husband relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more she chided him, the more agitated she
became. She just wouldn't let up one minute.
To his relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the man got
out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve his glasses, the old bat
yelled to him, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and
the credit card.'
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly man unknowingly left his
glasses on the table and he didn't miss them until they had been driving
about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in
order to return to the restaurant to retrieve his glasses.
All the way back, the elderly wife became the classic grouchy old woman.
She fussed and complained and scolded her husband relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more she chided him, the more agitated she
became. She just wouldn't let up one minute.
To his relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the man got
out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve his glasses, the old bat
yelled to him, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and
the credit card.'
Monday, December 10, 2007
Do Kids Love Santa? - 2
Do Kids Love Santa? - 1
Friday, December 07, 2007
When Insults had Class
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison,"
And he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
husband I'd give you poison,"
And he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Friday Morning Jokes
Two guys having a beer in a pub - one asks another:
- Dude, what do you think is worst? Being ignorant or being indifferent?
- I don't know and I don't care
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a normal person and a Microsoft developer?
A normal person sees a non-working light bulb and changes it. A
Microsoft developer will try to convince you that is its expected and
normal state.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bus full of politicians on the campaign trail is traveling on a
country road when it suddenly veers and crashes into a tree. After
seeing the crash, the farmer (a very old man) comes over to check out.
Then goes to the barn, picks up a shovel, makes a huge hole in the
ground and buries all the politicians.
A week later the local sheriff comes around, sees the bus still crashed
into the tree, and asks the farmer where are all the politicians that
were riding into the bus. The farmer replies he buried them all.
- OH ! That's terrible ! Did they all die on impact? - asks the sheriff
- Dunno. Some kept screaming they were alive - but you know how
politicians lie all the time . . .
26 Things Hollywood Movies Have Taught Us
1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.
4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.
6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian
accent will do.
16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.
19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: "Enter Password Now."
21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.
25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak
to each other in English
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
The Lady and the Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady You're
really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady You're
really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey
lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her,
"Hey lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was so ticked that she went
into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady!"
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Sunday, December 02, 2007
A Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father said.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
can call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."
She called Phoenix immediately, and screamed at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.
The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Okay," he said,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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