Unmasked

 

Government's new plan to avoid Foot-board Travel

Ad In An Irish Newspaper

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper......

Automobile for Sale

* 1985 Blue Volkswagen as new
* Only done 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used .
* Never driven hard. Original tyres. Original brakes.
* Original fuel and Oil
* Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.
* Photo attached

Some Jokes

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

The World's Funniest Joke

People all over the world posted their jokes to a website and then rated
those of others. It turns out that one of the funniest animals in a joke
is a duck, and not because of its rhyming capabilities. No, apparently
it might have something to with the hard 'k' sound. This joke, while not
the best, was highly rated:

Two ducks were sitting in a pond. One of the ducks said:
'Quack.' The other duck said: 'I was going to say that.'

So, here it is, the world's best joke:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is
dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says:
"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There
is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the
line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Life's too Short for the Wrong Job

 

The Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world ???? ".

The survey was a huge failure..... ...

Do you know WHY?


§ In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

§ In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

§ In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

§ In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

§ In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

§ In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

§ And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Sign You're Driving Too Fast........

I got stopped for speeding the other day. I thought I could talk my way
out of it until the cop saw my dog in the back seat....

Appraisal Mazaa hai ya Mehanat...?

Deja vu?

I was having a conversation with my Project Manager (PM) during a
deadline when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of
footsteps on the sands of time.

I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most
difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but
why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the
project??" to which the PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was
always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during
those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

Technically Challenged

 

Ancient Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

Prayer

A Letter to the Bank

(A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager, thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.)


Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

- Your Humble Client

The Blonde Driver And The Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is,"she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Honest Lawyer!?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your
Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby.

Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Bobby.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.

Rajanikant Special

 

I Love Poetry

 

Three Detectives

A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become
detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?'

The first one answers, 'That's easy; we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!' The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the
picture I showed is his side profile.'

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, 'This is your suspect, and
how would you recognize him?'

The second one smiles and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because
he only has one ear!' The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter
with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because
it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come
up with?'

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
one and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?

He quickly adds, 'Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.' He looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'The suspect wears
contact lenses.' The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well,
that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check
his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes
to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back
with a beaming smile on his face.

'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?'

'That's easy,' he replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.'

So You Want A Female President?

 

Long Day

 

Some More Funny Pics

Some Funny Pics

To come first in the University......(Tips in Tamil)

பல்கலைக்கழகத்திலேயே முதல் மாணவனா வர சில எளிய வழிகள் ..

அதிகாலையில் 4 மணிக்கு எழுந்திருங்க .. குளிரடிச்சாலும் குளிக்க மறக்காதீங்க .. அதுவும் பச்சைத் தண்ணில குளிச்சா ரொம்ப நல்லது . ஒரு அஞ்சு மணி வாக்கில அம்மா தர்ற டீயையோ சாப்பிட்டுட்டு டி . வி . ஆன் பண்ணுங்க .. லோக்கல் சானல்ல நல்ல பக்தி பாட்டு போடுவாங்க .. இல்லேண்ணா சி .டி . யில பி .சுசிலாவோட பக்திப் பாடல் போட்டு அட்மாஸ்பியர் கிரியேட் பண்ணுங்க .. சூழ்நிலை ரொம்ப முக்கியம் .. மனசை ஒருமுகப் படுத்துங்க .. இப்ப ஆறு மணி ஆகியிருக்கும் .. இப்ப கெளம்புனீங்கன்னா நிச்சயமா நீங்கதான் யுனிவர்சிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்ட் .. ஒரு ஆறரைக்கெல்லாம் போயிரலாம் .. யுனிவர்சிட்டிக்கு ..!

Black Robbers - True Story

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to
eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These
two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot;
they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are
powerful, and immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read
her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious
now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do
what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw
out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins
rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words
out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted
her head
and up at the two men They reached down to help her up. Confused, she
struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor,"
said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard
time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've
made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were
going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them
gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the
elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her
room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a
good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring
with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed
herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for
dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

How stock market works...

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red
Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was
Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his
Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
Of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is
Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
Responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather
Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again. "Are you Absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to
be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The
Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

This is how stock markets work!!!

Little Becky - The Prank Caller

Here’s some great audio of an 8-year old girl from Dublin, Ireland making prank phone calls. Becky is featured on an Irish morning radio show.

Becky’s Demolition Company

Becky’s Driving Test

Becky Rings the Zoo

Becky and the Spare Tyre

Becky Wants to Be a Hairdresser

Becky Calls Up An Annoying Advertiser From TV

Becky Wants To Be a Footballer’s Wife

Becky Hires a Crane (and starts to crack up!)

Becky Pretends to Be Mariah Carey

(From: http://www.johntedwards.com/2006/10/15/little-irish-girl-prank-calls/)

New Bluetooth Technology

 

Some Questions

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be
given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good
thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just
sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God
knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I
will stayand watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange
isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on
your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?

Another Toy Recalled

If you or anyone you know has one of these, it has been recalled as
being unsafe...

Murphy's Laws

The PRIME Axiom: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can
go wrong, will.

2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one
that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is
actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of
work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found
to make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of
plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors
adding in the same direction.
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more
than one person is involved.
16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly
placed if more than one person is involved.
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of
the final invoice.
18. Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and
one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

Creative Ads

An Amazing Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Duck

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. 

 

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 

 "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
  

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
 

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get  many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the   duck.
 

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to  him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused. "What the hecck would they want with a plasterer?"

Chimp Delivery

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. 

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"  

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"  

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?   I'll give you $100 for your trouble."  

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.  

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World"

--