As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service in a new cemetery for a derelict man with no family or friends who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held way back in the country.
This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions.
But when I finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was no where in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, (who looked puzzled) I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen. Praise the Lord and Glory ...."
I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before.
I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another. "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before."
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The most dangerous food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Condolence
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon:
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."!
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept.
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs, I would like to assure you that we had nothing in connection with that.
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It is eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back later!
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."!
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept.
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs, I would like to assure you that we had nothing in connection with that.
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It is eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back later!
A farmer and his wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head, Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head, Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Friday, September 16, 2005
What's her name?
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,""Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,""Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Laws of Life
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Stupidity:
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Law of Lines:
When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
Inverse Hair Dryer Law:
You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Natural Attraction:
If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, a family of five will set up right next to you.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of the Last Word:
"Hey, watch this!"
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Stupidity:
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Law of Lines:
When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
Inverse Hair Dryer Law:
You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Natural Attraction:
If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, a family of five will set up right next to you.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of the Last Word:
"Hey, watch this!"
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hearing Loss
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss "the problem".
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do", said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he Walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do", said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he Walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Golda Meir Quotes
Golda Meir (1898-1978) was the Prime Minister of Israel from 1969 to 1974.
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!" --Golda Meir
"I don't know why you use a fancy French word like detente when there's a good English phrase for it -- 'cold war'." --Golda Meir
"I never did anything alone. Whatever was accomplished in this country was accomplished collectively." --Golda Meir
"It's no accident many accuse me of conducting public affairs with my heart instead of my head. Well, what if I do? Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." --Golda Meir
"Don't be humble... you're not that great." --Golda Meir
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!" --Golda Meir
"I don't know why you use a fancy French word like detente when there's a good English phrase for it -- 'cold war'." --Golda Meir
"I never did anything alone. Whatever was accomplished in this country was accomplished collectively." --Golda Meir
"It's no accident many accuse me of conducting public affairs with my heart instead of my head. Well, what if I do? Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." --Golda Meir
"Don't be humble... you're not that great." --Golda Meir
Two Blondes
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."
Friday, September 09, 2005
The Blonde Team
Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in London.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team Rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a Great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team Rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a Great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Thursday, September 01, 2005
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