Friday, June 06, 2008
2008 Darwin Awards
These Darwin Awards are given to people who continue to prove that mankind's stupidity is still evolving! Each of these incidents actually happened...hard to believe....but, oh, so true.
Eighth Place
InDetroit
Seventh Place
A 49-year-oldSan Francisco
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago
Fourth Place
Sy lvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM . Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He mir aculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast decided to unload .
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
In
A 49-year-old
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Sy lvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM . Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He mir aculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast decided to unload .
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Can't be Executed
A man is working on the buses in Texas collecting money & tickets for fares.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial, the man is sent down for murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial, the man is sent down for murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises, the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana, isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana, isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."
Monday, June 02, 2008
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A letter to Sardarji
A letter from a Sardar's mother to her son....
My dear Lotta,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved 25 miles
away and are safe now.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed
here took the house numbers with him for his new house so he would not
have to change his address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to
take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain
same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a
girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Beppo Singh fell in! the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and
he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Genda Singh, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a
grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : Lotta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already posted off this letter.
My dear Lotta,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved 25 miles
away and are safe now.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed
here took the house numbers with him for his new house so he would not
have to change his address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to
take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain
same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a
girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Beppo Singh fell in! the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and
he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Genda Singh, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a
grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : Lotta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already posted off this letter.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Santa is tired...
Top 12 Signs That Santa is Tired of Christmas
12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.
11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.
10 - But I heard him exclaim, before he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."
9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"
8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.
7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.
6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.
5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.
4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!
3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."
2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...
This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky
12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.
11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.
10 - But I heard him exclaim, before he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."
9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"
8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.
7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.
6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.
5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.
4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!
3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."
2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.
and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...
This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky
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