Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate : An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
************************************************************************************
External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!" -------------------
************************************************************************************
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
************************************************************************************
Interviewer: H! ow will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
************************************************************************************
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
************************************************************************************
Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly): "Uh - A transformer that is put in the x-udment or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer) Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Some More Stupid Criminals
* A German "tourist", supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
* Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. They received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
* Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
* Indiana: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole – are you ready for this? – the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
* Virginia: A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that:
1) he could not get to the money from where he was,
2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.
* Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.
* Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. They received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
* Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
* Indiana: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole – are you ready for this? – the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
* Virginia: A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that:
1) he could not get to the money from where he was,
2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.
* Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.
The Stupid Criminal
A man, wanting to rob a downtown San Francisco Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Weapons on Board
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.
"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.
"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Poetic Resignation
What I want to say? (Employee)
The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.
The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!
The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.
I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.
Thanks & Regards
Employee
Manager's Response
Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)
The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say
If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say
Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work
It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say
Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....
You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi....
That is all what I want to say.
Thanks & Regards
Manager
The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.
The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!
The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.
I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.
The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.
Thanks & Regards
Employee
Manager's Response
Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)
The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say
If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say
Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work
It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say
Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....
You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi....
That is all what I want to say.
Thanks & Regards
Manager
Thursday, January 18, 2007
மன்னா? என்னா?
மன்னர் : புலவரே என்னை புகழ்ந்து தாங்கள் பாடிய கவிதை சூப்பர்... ஆனால் க.கா.
புலவர் : அய்யகோ மன்னா... கி.கி.
சேவகன் 1 : மன்னர் க.கா.ன்னு சொல்றாரு, பதிலுக்கு புலவர் கி.கி.ன்னு சொல்லுறாரு... ஒண்ணுமே புரியலையே....
சேவகன் 2 : மன்னர் 'கஜானா காலி'ன்னு சொல்லுறாரு.... புலவர் பதிலுக்கு 'கிழிஞ்சது கிருஷ்ணகிரி'ன்னு சொல்லுறாருப்பா.......
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னா ராணியார் உங்களுக்கு அனுப்பிய புறா வந்திருக்கிறது... ஆனால் அதற்கு இரண்டு கால்களும் இல்லை....
மன்னர் : அது 'மிஸ்டு கால்' அமைச்சரே.....
*******************
மந்திரி: மன்னா, பக்கத்து நாட்டிலிருந்து புறா மூலம் சேதி வந்திருக்கிறது.
மன்னர்: புறா கறி சாப்பிட்டு, ரொம்ப நாளாச்சு.
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னா, எதிரி நாட்டு மன்னன் பெரும் 'படையோடு' வந்து கொண்டிருக்கிறான்....
மன்னர் : அமைச்சரே, கவுரவம் பார்க்காமல் நீங்களே போய் சொறிந்து விட்டு வந்து விடுங்கள்....
*******************
மன்னர்: எதிரி மன்னன் படையுடன் வருகிறானாமே? ஏற்பாடுகள் தயாரா?
மந்திரி: எல்லா வெள்ளைக் கொடிகளும் தயார்.
*******************
மன்னன்: மந்திரியரே... தளபதி எங்கே ?..
மந்திரி: பக்கத்து நாட்டில் தளபதி போஸ்டிங் காலியா இருக்குன்னு... இண்ட்ர்வியு போயிருக்காரு....
*******************
மன்னர்: யாரங்கே?
சிப்பாய்: பேர் கூட தெரியாத நீயெல்லாம் ஒரு ராஜா.
*******************
மன்னர் : மந்திரியாரே ஏன் அவனை அடிக்கிறீங்க?
மந்திரி: மன்னா, நம்ம ராணுவ ரகசியத்தை வெளியில சொல்ýட்டான்.
மன்னர்: நம்மகிட்டதான் ராணுவமே கிடையாதே...!
மந்திரி: அதைத்தான் சொல்லிட்டான்...!
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னரே புறா மூலம் கடிதம் எழுதிய பக்கத்து நாட்டு மன்னனுக்கு என்னவென்று Acknowledgement அனுப்புவது?
மன்னர் : புறாக்கறி சூப்பர் என்று அனுப்பு.....
*******************
அமைச்சர் : அய்யகோ மன்னா... நாம் காலாகாலத்துக்கும் கேவலப்பட்டு போனோமே?
மன்னர் : என்ன ஆயிற்று அமைச்சரே?
அமைச்சர் : 23ஆம் புலிகேசியே நம் மீது படையெடுத்து வருகிறானாம்....
(http://vavaasangam2.blogspot.com/2007/01/blog-post_18.html)
புலவர் : அய்யகோ மன்னா... கி.கி.
சேவகன் 1 : மன்னர் க.கா.ன்னு சொல்றாரு, பதிலுக்கு புலவர் கி.கி.ன்னு சொல்லுறாரு... ஒண்ணுமே புரியலையே....
சேவகன் 2 : மன்னர் 'கஜானா காலி'ன்னு சொல்லுறாரு.... புலவர் பதிலுக்கு 'கிழிஞ்சது கிருஷ்ணகிரி'ன்னு சொல்லுறாருப்பா.......
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னா ராணியார் உங்களுக்கு அனுப்பிய புறா வந்திருக்கிறது... ஆனால் அதற்கு இரண்டு கால்களும் இல்லை....
மன்னர் : அது 'மிஸ்டு கால்' அமைச்சரே.....
*******************
மந்திரி: மன்னா, பக்கத்து நாட்டிலிருந்து புறா மூலம் சேதி வந்திருக்கிறது.
மன்னர்: புறா கறி சாப்பிட்டு, ரொம்ப நாளாச்சு.
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னா, எதிரி நாட்டு மன்னன் பெரும் 'படையோடு' வந்து கொண்டிருக்கிறான்....
மன்னர் : அமைச்சரே, கவுரவம் பார்க்காமல் நீங்களே போய் சொறிந்து விட்டு வந்து விடுங்கள்....
*******************
மன்னர்: எதிரி மன்னன் படையுடன் வருகிறானாமே? ஏற்பாடுகள் தயாரா?
மந்திரி: எல்லா வெள்ளைக் கொடிகளும் தயார்.
*******************
மன்னன்: மந்திரியரே... தளபதி எங்கே ?..
மந்திரி: பக்கத்து நாட்டில் தளபதி போஸ்டிங் காலியா இருக்குன்னு... இண்ட்ர்வியு போயிருக்காரு....
*******************
மன்னர்: யாரங்கே?
சிப்பாய்: பேர் கூட தெரியாத நீயெல்லாம் ஒரு ராஜா.
*******************
மன்னர் : மந்திரியாரே ஏன் அவனை அடிக்கிறீங்க?
மந்திரி: மன்னா, நம்ம ராணுவ ரகசியத்தை வெளியில சொல்ýட்டான்.
மன்னர்: நம்மகிட்டதான் ராணுவமே கிடையாதே...!
மந்திரி: அதைத்தான் சொல்லிட்டான்...!
*******************
அமைச்சர் : மன்னரே புறா மூலம் கடிதம் எழுதிய பக்கத்து நாட்டு மன்னனுக்கு என்னவென்று Acknowledgement அனுப்புவது?
மன்னர் : புறாக்கறி சூப்பர் என்று அனுப்பு.....
*******************
அமைச்சர் : அய்யகோ மன்னா... நாம் காலாகாலத்துக்கும் கேவலப்பட்டு போனோமே?
மன்னர் : என்ன ஆயிற்று அமைச்சரே?
அமைச்சர் : 23ஆம் புலிகேசியே நம் மீது படையெடுத்து வருகிறானாம்....
(http://vavaasangam2.blogspot.com/2007/01/blog-post_18.html)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Sardars 'n Maths
There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to meet their old friend the President Dr. Zail Singh.
The Sardars decide to take a taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs.28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
____
7 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).
7
--
21
21
--
0
--
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation! They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare.
Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads(?) in appreciation.
The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
--
28
--
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh.
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28)
21
+ 7
--
28 This checks out as well.
--
Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."
The Sardars decide to take a taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs.28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e. 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
____
7 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 ).
7
--
21
21
--
0
--
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake. They decide to ask Zail Singh about it. After all, the fellow was the President of the nation! They ask Zail Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare.
Zail Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I do for those tax forms I get very often. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads(?) in appreciation.
The President writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
--
28
--
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance man Banta Singh.
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- (7*3=21 ,7*1=7 so 21+7=28)
21
+ 7
--
28 This checks out as well.
--
Then he says, "This is really fine. There should be no problem, President Sahab. After all, it is correct in all the methods."
No Kidding!
1. Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
2. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
3. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
4. Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
5. Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
6. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
7. God made relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends!
8. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
9. Do you know of an Indian who parked his car in front of a board which said: FINE FOR PARKING?
10. A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed, "When do we get started?"
11. Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids.
12. I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes, Meow.
13. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
14. When a wife was asked, "What book does you like best?" she answers: "My husband's cheque book."
15. Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
16. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
17. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
18. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
No, 35 children are more than enough!
2. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
3. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
4. Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
5. Alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who is in a hurry?
6. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
7. God made relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends!
8. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting!
9. Do you know of an Indian who parked his car in front of a board which said: FINE FOR PARKING?
10. A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed, "When do we get started?"
11. Whom are you working for? Same people. My wife and four kids.
12. I heard you have a cat that can say her own name. Yes, Meow.
13. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
14. When a wife was asked, "What book does you like best?" she answers: "My husband's cheque book."
15. Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"
Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."
16. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
17. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
18. Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
Quips
"The White House has hired a new pastry chef. The uncomfor- table thing is that he was also hired to be the Secretary of Defense." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Rocky 6 is now in the theater. Don't kid yourself, Rocky is getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says, 'What am I in here for?'" --Dave Letterman
***
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
***
"Rocky 6 is now in the theater. Don't kid yourself, Rocky is getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says, 'What am I in here for?'" --Dave Letterman
***
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
Defrosters
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
One of those days...
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, an- nounced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, an- nounced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
How Government Bidding Works
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
"Done."
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
"Done."
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Author Unknown (but definitely male)
The King's Toaster
This is an oldie (which came out when the 80386 was a future hot processor and PCs still shipped with 640 Kbytes of DRAM), but it continues to be instructive...
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16- element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface.
When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16- element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles.
What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface.
When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after.
The Prisoner
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Geronimo
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
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