e-fun: May 2008

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Top 12 Signs That Santa is Tired of Christmas

12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.

11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.

10 - But I heard him exclaim, before he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."

9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"

8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.

7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.

6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.

5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.

4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!

3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."

2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.

and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...

This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky

Xtreme Programming

Feeling stupid?

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
--Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & spor ts analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people.'
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circu mstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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