The best pick

The coach had put together the perfect team.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards
down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And sure enough they go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants; all the young man wants to do is call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Oakland"

Sticktuitivness: Food as Art

The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

Be the perfect girlfriend…

I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates
A. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.

B. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.

C. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.

By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.

Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.

Rule 2-A above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.

B. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.

C. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).

Clause 3: The Bedroom
A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.

B. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it is his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.

Clause 4: Family
A. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

B. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
A. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

B. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guys’ Night.

C. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.

D. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:

She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.

Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.

The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.

By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.



______________________________
Print your name



______________________________
Signature



______________________________
Date



 




 

Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't
even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A knife, a grapefruit, a cat, and too much time..

 

Senior Humor

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

 

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY

 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________________________ ____________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

 

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_________________________________________________ ______________________
OLD FRIENDS:

 

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is"

 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________ ________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 26. Please be careful!"

 

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________________________________ _
DRIVING

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman an d said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

 

Blonde Joke of the day

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Boys will be boys

For those who have sons & those who are happy that they don't….  you find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

 

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

 

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

 

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

 

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

 

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

 

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

 

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

 

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

 

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

 

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

 

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

 

12. Super glue is forever.

 

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

 

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

 

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

 

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

 

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

 

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

 

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

 

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

 

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

 

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

 

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

 

 

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

 

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid

From the mouths of babes

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her
deepest voice replied, "Bud."

Just for Pun

Forgiving or punishing
the terrorists
is left to God.
But,
fixing their appointment
with God
is our responsibility
- Indian Army

 

Updated statement for this in S/W INDUSTRY........
.

.
Forgiving or punishing
the Developer
is left to Manager.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Manager
is our responsibility
- Tester

 

We all knew that..... but this one is for the finishing touch ....

 

 

 

Forgiving or punishing
the Manager
is left to Client.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Client
is our responsibility
- Developer

Happy Earth Day!

 

The Blonde with the Ladder

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the Bar?

Because the bartender said the drinks were on the house.

Java Love Letter

To,  

 
 MY NEW SWEET INNER CLASS,

 

THE DAY WHEN MY EX- GIRLFREIND BECOMES PUBLIC SHE LEFT ME, THE WHOLE
CLASSPATH IS DISTURBED AND MY HEART IS THROWING NULL POINTER
EXCEPTION, WHICH I CANT REMOVE

 

THE DAY WHEN I SAW U IN BIN MARKET, THE
WHOLE ENVIRONMENT VARIABLE CHANGE AND I FALL IN LOVE, IF U ACCEPT MY
LOVE I KNOW MY HEART THREAD WILL EXECUTE NORMALLY

 

THE DAY WHEN I MEET U MY HEART FEELS THAT………

 

U AND ONLY U R THE ONE TO WHOM I THINK IS FINAL AND STATIC IN NATURE,
U AND ONLY U CAN OVERRIDE MY HEART,
I FEEL U R LIKE A LANG PACKAGE TO MY HEART, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ALWAYS TO ME.

 

MY HEART NEEDS ONE CATCH BLOCK TO LIVE, IF U WANNA BECOME MY GF
THEN TELL ME SOME  NECESSARY PACKAGE SO I IMPORT FOR U

WAITING FOR UR COMPILATION …….
HOPE FOR NO ERROR, WARNING AND EXCEPTION

 

YOUR ONLY LOVE
BASE CLASS

How to tell you aren't Mom's favorite

 

Pay Him!!

 

Car Wars

 

Grocery store sign

 

How true...

 

A Thanksgiving Story

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird ' s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I ' m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Programmer quote

Programmer: An organism that turns coffee into software

 

Happy Thanksgiving

 

The Gunslinger

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to. '

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old  man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster .
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is ..  having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

Darwin Award Nominees