Veterinarians use them too...

 

What gives

 

Software Haikus

Project team

Talented, Creative people

As always, Snafu


Project done, boss says

That is exactly what I asked for

But not what I want

Project yeah!

We work together all day

And every night too

On Critical path

Really who are we kidding

It's going to slip



Quality is prime

That is what the managers say

Time to market reigns



Let's all get it done!

There is way too much to do

Don't forget to play



The projects started

We are behind as always

Look for my next job



Deadlines fall like leaves

Autumn projects dark and gray

Winter release date



Projects are no fun

When they are doomed from the start

Still boss says work hard



Project not funded

Resources not assigned yet

Delivery was yesterday



Now I'm a PM

Reduce the schedule by ten

No cap's on the end



Schedule is a mess

We have to clean it up fast

Else we'll miss deadline



We are the best team

But have missed all the milestones

Here goes our bonus



First concept commit

Then execution commit

When do we write code?



Think of something good

Do it right the first time

Enjoy it forever



The schedule is set,

Including some buffer time.

Saturdays, Sundays.

Pray before stepping into your office

Humor on Air and Off it

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as
squawks, recently submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After
attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the
details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks. Following are
some of the exchanges:

Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be
Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500
pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.

Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

What's for dinner?

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu.

Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of
crap, it takes all morning.'

Boating Trouble

 

Engineers

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer
and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All
of a sudden, the car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't
think it's getting gas."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something
is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back
in."

The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree, smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The Koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

 

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth was `dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

 

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side of the river, then he asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the croc that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The croc says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala was sitting finishing his joint and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

 

The koala looks down and goes, "Shhhhhhiiiiitttttttttt duuuuuuddddde….. how much water did you drink?!!"

Not being sold anything

 

Idiots of the year

 

Eye for an Eye

 

Two Snakes

There where two snakes talking.

The first one asks, "Are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around
our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of
snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned"

Then the second snake says "Why do you ask?"

The first one replies, "I just bit my lip!"

Australian on military tour of duty

Dear Mum & Dad,

 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

 

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again
until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

 

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

 

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

Two Hunters

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a
huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of
it.

The first hunter says ' Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
bottom, I wonder how deep it is?'

The second hunter says' I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'

The first hunter says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a
hand and we'll throw it in and see'.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three,
and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking
over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they
turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to
the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. 'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to
see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

The first hunter says ' Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about
a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!'

And the old farmer said ' Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an
old transmission! '

What did you do for new year's day?

 

Stupid Idea Award Nominees

 

Something has crashed on my computer....

 

Power Tools

 

How do you know you are not your Mom's favorite kid?

 

Incredible Action

Two to Tango

Bill's Last Day at Office

I Know What You Did In Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.

So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught
it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I
DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered
out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened
in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

You know you are getting old.....

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

******

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."

******

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

******

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

******

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

******

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

******

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

******

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

******

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

******

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

******

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

One tired dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar (though no tags), and well-fed belly and clean that he had a
home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on
the couch.

My dogs didn't seem to mind and He seemed like a good dog and I was Ok
with him, so I let him nap. An hour later, he went to the door, and I
let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept
for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar
that I wrote: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I
don't mind but want to be sure it's ok with you. '

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.

'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?'

11 people on a rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter: 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. 

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. 
 
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping. 

Best Error

 

Bucknor Rare Photo

 

Final Arrangements - II

 

Final Arrangements

 

Proud of who we are

Onsite Culture

 

Favorites