I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
First Day
A pirate clumped into the tavern with parrot on his shoulder, a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over an eye.
After setting him up, the bartender asked, "How'd ye lose the leg?"
Pirate answered, "Croc got it while me explorin' a swamp"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the hand?"
Pirate: "Arrg, lost it primin' a cannon for battle"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the eye?"
Pirate: "While gazin' up at the sails, this mangy fowl flew down and pooped on me face"
Bartender: "Why, that can't hurt your eye"
Pirate: "Arrg, true but was me first day with the hook"
After setting him up, the bartender asked, "How'd ye lose the leg?"
Pirate answered, "Croc got it while me explorin' a swamp"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the hand?"
Pirate: "Arrg, lost it primin' a cannon for battle"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the eye?"
Pirate: "While gazin' up at the sails, this mangy fowl flew down and pooped on me face"
Bartender: "Why, that can't hurt your eye"
Pirate: "Arrg, true but was me first day with the hook"
The Intel Watch
There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch."
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch."
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
American English
A Indian guy by name Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived in US airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name, he got fedup and went to them and asked why they havent called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling his name as 'Anotherman Superman'.
They said that they have been calling his name as 'Anotherman Superman'.
The Tough CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Speciality of Women
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. The doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 40."
"39!!" came the weak reply from Lena.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 40."
"39!!" came the weak reply from Lena.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Bird Flu
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet wets itself."
Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet wets itself."
Saturday, March 04, 2006
The Italian Mother
A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies,"The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Italian mother replies "I don't like her".
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies,"The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Italian mother replies "I don't like her".
Friday, March 03, 2006
No one believes seniors
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a money bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . .”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.”
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a money bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . .”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here.”
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Welcome to India!
A man from the West, decided to write a book about holy places around the World. He started by flying to various holy places. Going to a very large place in USA, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "1000 $ a minute." Seeking out the religious Guru he asked about the phone.
The Guru answered that this golden phone was, in-fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the guru and continued on his way. As he continued to visit the holy places in Egypt, Israel, Iran, USA, Europe, Nepal, Japan, Australia and all around the world, he found more phones, with the same sign and price, and got the same answer from each Guru.
Finally, he arrived in India. Upon entering a temple, behold, He saw the usual golden Telephone. But TH! IS time, the sign read "Calls: 1.26 Rupees/Minute."
Fascinated, he asked the Guru. "Guruji, I have been in Places all across the World, and in each Place I have found this golden telephone and have been told it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other temples the cost was 1000 $ a minute.Your sign reads 1.26 Rupees/Minute. Why? "
The Guru, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in India now. This is God's Own country... and it's a local call."
The Guru answered that this golden phone was, in-fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the guru and continued on his way. As he continued to visit the holy places in Egypt, Israel, Iran, USA, Europe, Nepal, Japan, Australia and all around the world, he found more phones, with the same sign and price, and got the same answer from each Guru.
Finally, he arrived in India. Upon entering a temple, behold, He saw the usual golden Telephone. But TH! IS time, the sign read "Calls: 1.26 Rupees/Minute."
Fascinated, he asked the Guru. "Guruji, I have been in Places all across the World, and in each Place I have found this golden telephone and have been told it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other temples the cost was 1000 $ a minute.Your sign reads 1.26 Rupees/Minute. Why? "
The Guru, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in India now. This is God's Own country... and it's a local call."
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