The Wrong Thing to Say

Some time back, I worked for a large company (now defunct). It was your basic IT department of about 150 people organized into groups of ~10, all on a big open cubicle farm on one floor. Every barrel has it's bad apple. Ours would routinely view kiddie porn - during work hours. He would occasionally leave the images up on the screen when he walked away. Finally, someone got offended enough to say something to HR. HR had "the talk" with him.

A few weeks later, he did it again. The same person was offended, again, and complained to HR, again. The same person from HR had "the next talk" with him. A few weeks later he did it yet again. The same person made a much more formal complaint to HR. The head of HR told his #1 to sit down with everyone in IT, 5 at a time, with their immediate boss and their boss, and lay down the law.

Personally, I think they were excessively tolerant to this point.

Ok, so it's time for me and 4 of my peers, and 2 levels of management to go sit in a conference room and get yelled at. And yell she (HR #1) did. For 45 continuous minutes. "You people have no morals. You people don't obey the rules. You people..." I had zoned out, but had finally had it, and fired back: "WE aren't the ones doing it! You are preaching to the choir. You know who did it - just fire him!" She fired back "But you people are downloading an unhealthy amount of kiddie porn..."

I knew what she meant, but before I could think, I fired back, on auto-pilot: "So what does the company consider a healthy amount of kiddie porn?" I knew it was wrong as I started saying it, but it was like watching a train wreck as it happens - you just can't stop.

Both of my bosses just slapped their hands on their faces.

The HR #1 was tongue-tied.

Later that day, I got, shall we say, "talked to" by both bosses, about the intricacies of knowing when to keep my mouth shut, but off the record they thought it was the best line ever.

(http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/The-Wrong-Thing-to-Say.aspx)

Space station crew to NASA: Send plumber soon

The international space station's lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go. So NASA may order an in-orbit plumbing service call when space shuttle Discovery visits next week.

Until then, the three-man crew will have to make do with a jury-rigged system when they need to urinate.

While one of the crew was using the Russian-made toilet last week, the toilet motor fan stopped working, according to NASA. Since then, the liquid waste gathering part of the toilet has been working on-and-off. Fortunately, the solid waste collecting part is functioning normally. Russian officials don't know the cause of the problem and the crew has been unable to fix it.

The crew has used the toilet on the Soyuz return capsule, but it has a limited capacity. They are now are using a back-up bag-like collection system that can be connected to the broken toilet, according to NASA public affairs officials.

"Like any home anywhere the importance of having a working bathroom is obvious," NASA spokesman Allard Beutel said.

The 7-year-old toilet has broken once before but not for as long a time, said Johnson Space Center spokeswoman Nicole Cloutier in Houston.

Discovery is already set for launch Saturday with a planned docking with the space station on Monday. Cloutier said NASA officials are considering having some parts flown to Cape Canaveral and placed in the shuttle during its countdown, an unusual and delicate situation.

Because the shuttle's payload weight is limited and balance carefully calculated, it will be tricky to try to figure out where the parts can go, said Kennedy Space Center spokesman Bill Johnson

Discovery's main payload, a 32,000-pound Japanese laboratory addition, is so big that the shuttle's boom sensor system had to be removed to make room for the lab.

Think before you talk...

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Best Piece of Civil Engineering

 

The AFLAC Scam

Watch out for this scam.  Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle  through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.

The picture below shows the gang in operation.

New Cereal Box for 2008

 

Expert Opinion

Psalm to an Engineer's Sweetheart

Verily, I say unto ye,
marry not an engineer.
For an engineer is a strange being
and possessed of many evils.

Yea, he speaketh always in parables
which he calleth formulae.
He wieldeth a big stick
which he calleth a slide rule.
And he hath only one bible,
a handbook.

He thinketh only of strains and stresses,
and without end of thermodynamics.
He showeth always a serious aspect
and seemeth not to know how to smile.
He picketh his seat in a car by the springs thereof
and not by the damsels.

Neither does he know a waterfall
except by its horsepower,
Nor a sunset
except that he must turn on the light,
Nor a damsel
except by her weight.

Always he carrieth his books with him,
and he entertaineth his sweetheart with steam tables.
Verily, though his damsel expecteth chocolates when he calleth,
She openeth the package to discover samples of iron ore.

Yea, he holdeth her hand
but to measure the friction thereof,
and kisseth her
only to test the viscosity of her lips,
for in his eyes shineth a far away look
that is neither love nor longing,
but a vain attempt to recall formulae.

Even as a boy, he pulleth a girl's hair
but to test its elasticity.
But as a man,
he deviseth different devices.
For he counteth the vibrations of her heartstrings
And seeketh ever to pursue his scientific investigations.

Even his own heart flutterings
he counteth as a measure of fluctuation.
And his marriage is but a
simultaneous equation involving two unknowns.
And yielding diverse results.

Verily, I say unto ye,
do not marry an engineer.

Idiot Sightings

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large"
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since. 

       
*****************
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
         
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
       
       
*****************
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit
by cars out here!   I don't think this is a good place for  them to be
crossing anymore."
       
From Kingman, KS
       
       
*****************
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City
       
       
*****************
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
       
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
       
       
*****************
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
       
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
       
       
*****************
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
       
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
       
           
       
*****************
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
       
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
       
       
           
*****************
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
       
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

Calvin and the Snowmen

 

Romantic Sleigh Ride??

 

Dealing With Speeders On Your Street ...

 

Why trampolines are so dangerous for use in Eureka, Montana....

 

Mad in America

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ).

 

He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ).

 

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.

 

After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB .

 

At the end of another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while.

 

He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in  America...

What Would You Like for Xmas?

Husband:  Hey honey, what would you like for Christmas?

 

Wife:  Well, actually I was hoping for a divorce.

 

Husband:  Hmmm, sorry, I was not planning on spending that much!

Famous Last Words

* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

Ale-ing the Seven Seas

Bob and Doug, adrift in a lifeboat, see an old lamp floating in the sea.

Bob starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out and says she’ll grant them one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, Bob blurts out, "Turn the ocean into beer!"

Immediately the genie claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the entire sea turns into brew.

Only the gentle lapping of beer against the hull breaks the stillness.

Doug looks disgustedly at Bob and, after a long, tension-filled moment, shouts, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

Doctor in Training

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Nerd Sniping

Watch out Where you Leave Your Cell Phone!!!