Stick People

 

He finally did it!!!!

 

An Honest Scammer

George Bush's farewell party

 

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,  cold in the winter and stank all the time.

 

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

 

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy  decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek

and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

 

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

 

The boy answered yes.

 

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because  he told the truth."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

Why men shouldn't take messages...

 

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral 7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries.

Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Actual Picture from a Burger King in Philadelphia

 

The Blonde Driver

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

An Irish Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

 

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

 

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,  stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

 

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?  The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 7:30, 9:00 or 10:30?'

The Decoy

It was St. Patrick’s Day night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy pub for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

 

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

 

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Math is a Religion

 

Failures

It's the thought that counts...

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

 

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the  Forest .

 

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

 

"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Conference Room

 

Golf Joke

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

 

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

 

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

 

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.  "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

 

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

 

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

 

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Funny Sign Board

 

Be careful when ordering a cake...

 

Scientific Progress

 

Jock the Painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Cola Lover

 

Proud Brother

A father was dropping his son off at daycare the other day and overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. 

 
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.  

 
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.   

 
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

Two Smart Guys

 

Worst birthday surprise in history

 

 

Imagine this -- you walk into a custom confectionery and inform the design team that you want the image on a USB flash drive made onto a very special cake. In fact, you even leave the flash drive with them so they can really look it over. Sure, you'd think they would get to frost-brushing that unicorn flying through a rainbow right onto the cake, but apparently the artists in question had other ideas. 

 

Namely, creating a photo-perfect replica of a Lexar flash drive on the surface of what appears to be an otherwise delicious pile of sugar. Seriously. 

 

Too bad about that black icing, birthday boy.

Telepresence

 

When I was your age....

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Funny Error Messages

 

Natural Born Citizen

The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating  

 "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

And someday she'll vote.

New kind of sale

 

Cats can sleep anywhere..!!

 

Computer Troubles

- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Edible Ties and more...

 

Boss Alarm

 

Vijay Jokes - 2

48+2 can sit in a bus


28+2 can sit in a mini bus

15+1 can sit in a van

8+1 can sit in a Sumo

3+1 can sit in a auto

1+1 can sit in a bike

but not even one can sit and watch Villu film

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Vijay:ennaku oru watch venum..

Watch salesman:indhanga sir..!!.

vijay:indha watch nalla oduma???....

watch salesman:unga padatha vida nallave odum...

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CHandramukhi = Split personality

Anniyan = Multiple personality

VILLU = NO PERSONALITY

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1980 -- Adho nila paaru..

1990 -- Paei varum..

2000 -- poochnadi varuvan..

2009 -- Vijay varuvan..

All Mothers r thanking vijay for his Help

Dr.Vijay Rocks

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Vijay watches Kannada actor puneeth rajkumar's movie "Ajay"

Vijay :- Dad this movie will be a super hit movie in tamil y dont u buy the rights of this movie ?? Y don;t u buy the rights of this movie?? I want to act in his movie b4 Jeyam ravi buys the rights. I want to act in this movie dad.

His dad -: Dai naaye that is the remake of ur movie Ghilli in kannada. U had already acted in this movie which was copied from telugu movie " Okkadu"

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ரசிகர்: ஹலோ பெப்சி உமாவா?எனக்கு வில்லு படத்துல இருந்து ஏதாவது பாட்டு போடுங்க.....

உமா: கொஞ்சம் பொறுங்க இன்னும் ரெண்டு நாள்ல படத்தையே போடுறோம்...

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விஜய் fan: தளபதி வாங்க செஸ் விளையாடலாம்....

இளயதளபதி: நீங்க போங்க நான் ஸ்போர்ட்ஸ் shoe போட்டுட்டு வந்துடறேன்....

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கின்னஸ் புக்கில் தான் தான் இன்னும் மிக பெரிய காமெடியனா என பார்க்க போன சர்தார் திரும்பி வரும் போது ஆவேசமாக,

"யார் அந்த குருவி விஜய்"

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ஒருவர்: அங்கே என்ன அவ்வளவு கூட்டம் ?

மற்றொருவர்: யாரோ வில்லு படத்த ரிசர்வ் பண்ணி பாக்க வந்து இருக்காங்களாம்...

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போலீஸ்: இன்னைக்கு உனக்கு தூக்கு உன் கடைசி ஆசை என்ன?

கைதி: படம் பார்க்கணும்...

போலீஸ்: சரி வில்லு போகலாமா ?

கைதி:அதுக்கு என்ன நீங்க தூக்குலயே போட்டுடலாம்...

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விஜய் அவங்க அம்மாவிடம் : ஏம்மா என்ன கருப்பா பெத்த?

ஷோபா: கலரா இருந்தா மட்டும் நீ என்ன நடிக்கவா போற ? ரீமேக்கு இது போதும்.

Friday the 13th

 

Oh my god...

 

For a rib...

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

 

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

 

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

 

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

 

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm..

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Simple home remedies

 

Amazingly simple home remedies

1. if you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.

 

2. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

 

3. avoid arguments about the toilet seat - use the sink.

 

4. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.

 

5. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

6. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

7. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

8. remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

9. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Sitting arrangement for cost cutting..