Twins

 

Evolution of Robbery

Bush at the Olympics

 

Do You Need A Good Caddy?

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Cats

 

Lady in the Parking Lot

A lady pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh air. 

 

The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there.  As she walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" 

 

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

The real purpose of Wal-Mart

A blonde was weeding her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass. 

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL*MART! 

Why WAL*MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO! 



 

 

 

 

 

 

WAL*MART is the largest retailer in the world!!! 

Things you wish you could say at work

1. Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. It'll be ready Thursday - now, which Thursday is another question.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?

Obituary of the late Mr.Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 

 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

 

Why the early bird gets the worm;

 

Life isn't always fair;

 

and Maybe it was my fault.
 

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies as don't spend more than you earn and reliable strategies such as adults, not children, are in charge.

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

 

Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;

 

Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;

 

A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;

 

churches became businesses; and

 

criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault if you did.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

 

 
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers;  I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Why Middle Age Women Should Probably Just Stay Home

Increment

 

When you are from the country...

When you're from the country you look at things a little different.......... 

 

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 

 
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 

 
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 

 
'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?' 

 
'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 

 
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 

 
'He went with Mom and Dad.' 

 
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 

 
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to barrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 

 
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.' 

 
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $15 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Recipe for Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.   She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Room Service

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud!"
G: "You're welcome."

Bill Gates not happy with Windows

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How to Disappear from Boss

 

It Happens in IT

 

Characters in Office

 

Office Meeting