Circle of Life

The Honest Scammer

 

Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up first, and
hit a pretty good one right down the middle, but it comes up short of
the stream in front of the green and looks like it's going to roll into
the water. Of course, the waters part, and the ball rolls up on the
green, 1 foot from the hole.

Jesus is next, and he smacks a pretty good one right down the middle, as
well. It's only got a little more on it than Moses' shot, though, and
it's heading right for the stream. It lands on the stream, and bounces
and rolls on the top of the water, right up on the green and only 6
inches from the cup.

The old man's turn is next, and he swings a mighty swing, but the ball
begins to slice to the right almost immediately. It hits a tree on the
far right, and just as it hits the ground underneath, a squirrel runs up
and grabs the ball in his mouth, and proceeds to take off across the
fairway. Just then, an eagle spots the rodent from the sky above, and
dives down and grabs the squirrel in it's talons. It begins to fly
away, gaining altitude, but right out of the lone cloud in the sky comes
a bolt of lightening that zaps that poor bird right in the tail
feathers, promptly causing him to drop the squirrel from his clutches.

The squirrel falls to the ground next to the stream, and as he hits, the
ball pops out of his mouth, bounces off a turtle's shell sunning by the
stream, and rolls up onto the green and right into the cup.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, dad!"

Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

 

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"

 

He said: "Who messed up your hair?"

Enna kodumai...

 

Cost Cutting

 

Happy Mother's Day

 

AAADD

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
This is how it manifests:
 
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do..
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail......

The moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. Ernie, do you have a story to share?

 

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

 

Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

 

Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

Another sign of global warming

 

No more emails today!