For those who are planning Christmas........

 

I Want A Raise

 

What If They Turned Off the Internet?

 

And they were looking for...

 

Through thin and thin...

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

 

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

 

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

 

"I think you're bad luck!! "

Short Story

 

Detailed Project Estimations

 

Politically Correct Cartoon

 

Action Item Man

 

Facebook Mom

Tech Support Cheat Sheet

Made in wwwhhaaaatt...?

 

M&M's Darwinism

 

Betty's Howler

"Betty," called the teacher, "tell me the meaning of the word 'trickle'."

 

"To run slowly" said Betty.

 

"Quite right," said the teacher. "Now tell me the meaning of the word 'anecdote'."

 

"A short funny tale," said Betty.

 

"Good girl," said the teacher. "Now let me see if you can give me a sentence with both those words in it."

 

Betty thought for a moment: "Yes, I know," she said. "Our dog trickled down the street wagging his anecdote."

Street Name

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." 

 
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
 

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

Buk! Buk!! Buk!!!

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Tamil Jokes

 

Failing Slowly

Graffiti wall is vandalized

Clarence and Ole

Ole lived across the river from Clarence--and they didn't like each other at all. They were yelling all the time across the river at each other.

 

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

 

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

 

Ole's wife, Lena, said, "Now is your chance, Ole, why don't you go over dere & beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould?

 

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat." Ole started for the bridge but he saw a sign on the bridge & he stopped to read it, then he turned around & went back home.

 

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

 

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put up a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river."

Dreams of animals

 

A Man of Few Words

 

Circle of Life

The Honest Scammer

 

Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up first, and
hit a pretty good one right down the middle, but it comes up short of
the stream in front of the green and looks like it's going to roll into
the water. Of course, the waters part, and the ball rolls up on the
green, 1 foot from the hole.

Jesus is next, and he smacks a pretty good one right down the middle, as
well. It's only got a little more on it than Moses' shot, though, and
it's heading right for the stream. It lands on the stream, and bounces
and rolls on the top of the water, right up on the green and only 6
inches from the cup.

The old man's turn is next, and he swings a mighty swing, but the ball
begins to slice to the right almost immediately. It hits a tree on the
far right, and just as it hits the ground underneath, a squirrel runs up
and grabs the ball in his mouth, and proceeds to take off across the
fairway. Just then, an eagle spots the rodent from the sky above, and
dives down and grabs the squirrel in it's talons. It begins to fly
away, gaining altitude, but right out of the lone cloud in the sky comes
a bolt of lightening that zaps that poor bird right in the tail
feathers, promptly causing him to drop the squirrel from his clutches.

The squirrel falls to the ground next to the stream, and as he hits, the
ball pops out of his mouth, bounces off a turtle's shell sunning by the
stream, and rolls up onto the green and right into the cup.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, dad!"

Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

 

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"

 

He said: "Who messed up your hair?"

Enna kodumai...

 

Cost Cutting

 

Happy Mother's Day

 

AAADD

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
This is how it manifests:
 
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do..
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail......

The moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. Ernie, do you have a story to share?

 

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

 

Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

 

Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

Another sign of global warming

 

No more emails today!

 

The biggest threat to America

 

Benefit Cuts

The Economy is so bad that...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $700 billion disappear.

Twins... is that how it's done?

 

You can't fix Stupid