A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
'I feel terrible,' ! He explains, 'I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.'
The blonde says, 'Don't worry.' She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, 'What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, And adds permanent wave."
Friday, March 28, 2008
The Rabbit and the Blonde
Difficult Phrases
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
The Blonde Interview
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying
"Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She
then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.
She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics;
something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Calling in Sick note
Who would have thought that a moment's respite from expectorating one's own blood could find purchase in codeine-laced promethazine, the creativity flowing forth from one's fingers like butterflies upon each keystroke? Every moment now transpires into an out of body experience, the luminescence coalescing freely from an LCD backdrop on a disembodied sensation, trying to discern the interpretive numina of the garbage truck ever-present outside my bedroom window. Flash. Flash. Lift. And it's gone, further down the dark, to attend to another yet lonely garbage can. I can only weep at the significance.
The sum of my being is available over IM and phone and email, although it is unlikely that we will commune on the same plane of understanding until my medication has metabolized sufficiently out of my biological venue. (...which does not exist in my current frame of reference - the dangerous ramblings of Descartes loom ominously at the fringes of my attentions, all material existence is possibly a malicious manifestation of some mischievous higher power, or with some degree of enforcement of a supreme effort of one's self epistemology, transgresses too closely to a soliptic weltanschauung of Rhonda Byrne proportions.)
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics ." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes ." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts? Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
Talking Dog for Sale
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep, that's me," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The old hound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my talent, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. I couldn't tell you how many wars I helped prevent. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there ... and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes into the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks and he's yours," the owner says.
"But this dog is amazing!" the guy exclaims. "Why on earth are you selling him and why so cheap?"
"He's such a liar," the owner says. "He didn't do half of those things."
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
True Test of a Man's Best Friend
If you don't believe it, just try this simple experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
Best Darn Blonde Joke
1943 "Guide to Hiring Women"
include:
1. Hire young, married women: "They usually have more of a sense of
responsibility than their unmarried sisters." The article also
explains the "young, marrieds" are generally less flirtatious.
2. Try to hire younger than older: "Older women who have never
contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are
inclined to be cantankerous and fussy."
3. "Husky" girls are "more even tempered and efficient."
4. Make sure each woman you hire has a physical exam that covers
"female conditions."
5. Emphasize the value of timely, speedy service. Crack down on the
clock.
6. Give each woman worker a plan for her day. "Numerous properties
say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut
out for them, but that they lack initiative."
7. If possible vary the tasks throughout the day.
8. Provide "an adequate number of rest periods during the day,"
allowing for "feminine psychology" as well as reapplying lipstick.
9. "Never ridicule a woman-it breaks her spirit and cuts off her
efficiency."
10. Don't swear.
11. "Get enough variety in operators' uniforms so that each girl can
have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping
women happy."
Author: Ellen Sherberg, Publisher of the St. Louis Business Journal
Monday, March 03, 2008
Baptizing A Drunk
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk , so the preacher grabs him and dunks him
in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you
found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus,
my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 60 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher:
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Chocolate Chip Cookies
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen
table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips
parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Don't step on the ducks
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: very tall, long eyelashes, lean but muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Shingles
this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The
doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
'em??'
