Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Age

(Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, 'Surely I can't look that old!' Well, you'll love this one.)

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which
bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be
the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
High School.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that four-eyed, ugly, old bald, wrinkled,
fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'What did you
teach?'

The Audit

The Revenue Commissioner decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is
not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure I find that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand quid that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my
other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor
now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's
solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into
that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major
loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in
his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me EUR20,000 that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it..'

Exemplary Answers

 

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Hope she's not ordering toilet paper

 

Life is Tough

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
the counter . "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I
can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into
my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,
too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it
and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, "Why don't! you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency!

Life is tough... it's tougher if you're stupid.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Growing Up

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.  
 
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"  
 
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."  
 
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" 
 
"Republicans," the child says. 
 
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off. 
 
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. 
 
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. 
 
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are." 
 
The boy replies, "They're Democrats." 
 
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?" 
 
"Well," the kid says, "That was before they opened their eyes!"

If Geniuses Ruled the World

 

Drinking problem

 

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some rest & sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Blondes Are Not Stupid

80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little
disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another
chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global
broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected
sigh. Everyone is disheartened.

The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another
chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good,
eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"4?".

Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump
to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her
another chance! Give her another chance!

Take her shopping...

 

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Second Opinion

Doctor to patient: "You are very sick."

Patient: "Can I get a second opinion?"

Doctor: "Yes, you are very ugly too."

Another Branch

A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his
hand.

One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is
holding hold out both his hands.

He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?"

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to
open another branch".

Enna Kodumai Saravanan...

 

Friday, February 08, 2008

The nose knows...


 
 

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Referee Training Camp Reveled!

Cup of tea, Daddy?

When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and
it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess
bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up, then said, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet???"

How Ugly's Big Momma?

She made an onion cry!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Underwear Cops

Watch out for Pennsylvania troopers!

Two men were driving through Pennsylvania, towing a trailer with a Honda
ST1300 & a Yamaha FJR 1300 on it. They got pulled over by a State
Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The
driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the
head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" asked the startled driver.

"You're in Pennsylvania, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you
over in Pennsylvania, you better have your license ready by the time we
get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from Michigan and didn't
know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the
guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and
"WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What the hell did you do that for!?!" the passenger demands.

Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked

"I know you Michiganders" , says the trooper, "two miles down the road
you're going to turn to your buddy and say....

. . . I wish that butthead would've tried that crap with me!"

Watch what you are saying...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation
takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat
belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

All your fault

 

How to save your job...

 

How To Tell If Your Feet Stink

 

Everybody hates me!

 

Quiz Time

Here is a collection of trivia questions asked during some famous TV/Radio shows together with answers given by the quiz show contestants!

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Presenter:  Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Presenter: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: hmm.. Leicester ???



BBC   NORFOLK

Presenter: Who had a worldwide  hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Presenter: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

Presenter: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Presenter:  Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:  Louis.

Presenter: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Presenter: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant:  France.

Presenter:   France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Presenter: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:  Sorry, I don't know.

Presenter: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK   (BBC2)

Presenter:-   Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:   Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.



BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

Presenter: For 10 pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Contestant: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Presenter: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM  (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



RTE RADIO 2FM  (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The  ...?

Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO  MANCHESTER)

Presenter: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Presenter: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY

Presenter:   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . .  .

Presenter: He makes bread  . . .

Contestant: Er . . ..

Presenter: He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:  Kipling Street?



LINCS FM   PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:  Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.



NATIONAL  LOTTERY  (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:  The Pacific



ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Presenter: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?.



JAMES  O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

Presenter: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:  Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er  ... er ... three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Presenter: In which European  country  is Mount Etna?

Caller:  Japan.

Presenter: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that,
I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ....  Mexico?



PAUL WAPPAT (BBC  RADIO  NEWCASTLE)

Presenter: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S  DRIVETIME (VIRGIN  RADIO)

Presenter: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:  Holland?

Presenter: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Presenter (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.



PHIL  WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Presenter: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . .. .

Presenter: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Presenter: Ha ha ha ha, no.  The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:  (Silence)

Presenter: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT

Presenter: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Presenter: Nostalgia.



LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:  Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC  RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.  Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant:  Jesus.

Do's and Don't's

Video Conferencing

 

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Laughter - The best medicine

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".


*******

Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"


*******

Boss : I am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it
o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but?? How much is
DRIVING salary...?


*******

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!


*******

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working,
He puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

Friday, February 01, 2008

Snopes

 

Super Bowl Ticket

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was
supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in
1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

Shop Online

Alarm Clock Problem

 

Irish Jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go
to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

***********

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! ... I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

**********

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"

**********

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best
friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

**********

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

**********

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

**********

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on

his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw ! blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.