A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...”
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Worried Boss
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Red Indian
Two cowboys come upon a Red Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Red Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Red Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Red Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Red Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Red Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The Lawnmower
When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only A few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only A few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Area 51
US Air Force has a high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but before that.... my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but before that.... my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Her Diary/His Diary
HER DIARY:
Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with myfriends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bitlate, but he made nocomment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so wecould talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as ifhe wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distantand absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minuteslater he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so Idecided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that histhoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!
Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with myfriends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bitlate, but he made nocomment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so wecould talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as ifhe wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distantand absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minuteslater he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so Idecided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that histhoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Philosophy of Stock Markets
Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50."
The villagers queued up with all their saving and bought the monkeys.
The assistant promptly vanished the next day leaving a village full of monkeys.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50."
The villagers queued up with all their saving and bought the monkeys.
The assistant promptly vanished the next day leaving a village full of monkeys.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Mixed Emotions
Q : What is the height of mixed emotion ?
A : When your mother-in-law falls from 7th floor on your mercedes.....
A : When your mother-in-law falls from 7th floor on your mercedes.....
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