Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jock the Painter
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Proud Brother
A father was dropping his son off at daycare the other day and overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Worst birthday surprise in history
Imagine this -- you walk into a custom confectionery and inform the design team that you want the image on a USB flash drive made onto a very special cake. In fact, you even leave the flash drive with them so they can really look it over. Sure, you'd think they would get to frost-brushing that unicorn flying through a rainbow right onto the cake, but apparently the artists in question had other ideas.
Namely, creating a photo-perfect replica of a Lexar flash drive on the surface of what appears to be an otherwise delicious pile of sugar. Seriously.
Too bad about that black icing, birthday boy.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
When I was your age....
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Natural Born Citizen
The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.
The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating
The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"
And someday she'll vote.
And someday she'll vote.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Computer Troubles
- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Vijay Jokes - 2
48+2 can sit in a bus
28+2 can sit in a mini bus
15+1 can sit in a van
8+1 can sit in a Sumo
3+1 can sit in a auto
1+1 can sit in a bike
but not even one can sit and watch Villu film
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Vijay:ennaku oru watch venum..
Watch salesman:indhanga sir..!!.
vijay:indha watch nalla oduma???....
watch salesman:unga padatha vida nallave odum...
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CHandramukhi = Split personality
Anniyan = Multiple personality
VILLU = NO PERSONALITY
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1980 -- Adho nila paaru..
1990 -- Paei varum..
2000 -- poochnadi varuvan..
2009 -- Vijay varuvan..
All Mothers r thanking vijay for his Help
Dr.Vijay Rocks
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Vijay watches Kannada actor puneeth rajkumar's movie "Ajay"
Vijay :- Dad this movie will be a super hit movie in tamil y dont u buy the rights of this movie ?? Y don;t u buy the rights of this movie?? I want to act in his movie b4 Jeyam ravi buys the rights. I want to act in this movie dad.
His dad -: Dai naaye that is the remake of ur movie Ghilli in kannada. U had already acted in this movie which was copied from telugu movie " Okkadu"
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ரசிகர்: ஹலோ பெப்சி உமாவா?எனக்கு வில்லு படத்துல இருந்து ஏதாவது பாட்டு போடுங்க.....
உமா: கொஞ்சம் பொறுங்க இன்னும் ரெண்டு நாள்ல படத்தையே போடுறோம்...
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விஜய் fan: தளபதி வாங்க செஸ் விளையாடலாம்....
இளயதளபதி: நீங்க போங்க நான் ஸ்போர்ட்ஸ் shoe போட்டுட்டு வந்துடறேன்....
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கின்னஸ் புக்கில் தான் தான் இன்னும் மிக பெரிய காமெடியனா என பார்க்க போன சர்தார் திரும்பி வரும் போது ஆவேசமாக,
"யார் அந்த குருவி விஜய்"
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ஒருவர்: அங்கே என்ன அவ்வளவு கூட்டம் ?
மற்றொருவர்: யாரோ வில்லு படத்த ரிசர்வ் பண்ணி பாக்க வந்து இருக்காங்களாம்...
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போலீஸ்: இன்னைக்கு உனக்கு தூக்கு உன் கடைசி ஆசை என்ன?
கைதி: படம் பார்க்கணும்...
போலீஸ்: சரி வில்லு போகலாமா ?
கைதி:அதுக்கு என்ன நீங்க தூக்குலயே போட்டுடலாம்...
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விஜய் அவங்க அம்மாவிடம் : ஏம்மா என்ன கருப்பா பெத்த?
ஷோபா: கலரா இருந்தா மட்டும் நீ என்ன நடிக்கவா போற ? ரீமேக்கு இது போதும்.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
For a rib...
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"
God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"
God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."
Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm..
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Simple home remedies
Amazingly simple home remedies
1. if you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. avoid arguments about the toilet seat - use the sink.
4. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Top 10 Reasons to Study Economics
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
They walk among us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'
***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'..
***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Married..?
Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?
Man: My wife...
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Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a
New Business?
New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will
you pay me?
you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
UnderStanding Engineers
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She took one look at me, threw the bike to the ground and said to me, 'Take what you want' , so I did."
The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice; girl friend wouldn't do any good to you."
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Answer is NOT always ' C '
His professor sent him an e-mail the following day:
Dear Michael,
Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.
There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!
Dear Michael,
Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.
There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!
P.S. If all else fails, go with B from now on. B is the new C
May God have mercy on your soul.
Sincerely,
Professor William Turner
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
To make a woman happy.....
..... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
and HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone
Monday, January 05, 2009
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