Enna kodumai...

 

Cost Cutting

 

Happy Mother's Day

 

AAADD

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
This is how it manifests:
 
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do..
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail......

The moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. Ernie, do you have a story to share?

 

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

 

Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

 

Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

Another sign of global warming

 

No more emails today!

 

The biggest threat to America

 

Benefit Cuts

The Economy is so bad that...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $700 billion disappear.

Twins... is that how it's done?

 

You can't fix Stupid

 

Comments in Source Code

1.
    /// <summary>
    /// Class used to work around Richard being a fucking idiot
    /// </summary>
    /// <remarks>
    /// The point of this is to work around his poor design so that paging will
    /// work on a mobile control. The main problem is the BindCompany() method,
    /// which he hoped would be able to do everything. I hope he dies.
    /// </remarks>

 

 
2.
// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets
// released into the public.

 

3.
// Magic. Do not touch.
 

 

4.
return 1; # returns 1
 

 

5.
/* This is O(scary), but seems quick enough in practice. */
 

 

6.
/*
 * You may think you know what the following code does.
 * But you dont. Trust me.
 * Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
 * night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
 * enough to "optimize" the code below.
 * Now close this file and go play with something else.
 */

 

7.
//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

Precious

 

You Know It's Time to Diet when...

 

.* You dance and it makes the band skip.

 

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

 

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

 

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

 

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

 

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

 

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

 

* You could sell shade.

 

* Your blood type is Ragu.

 

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'

Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.  Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."  The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."  The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

St. Peter and the Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

 

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

 

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

 

I yelled, 'Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

 

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

 

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

Funny Signs

 

The Rebate

 

Riding a Dead Horse

Dakota tribal wisdom  says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

 

However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

 

   1. Buying a stronger whip.
   2. Changing riders.
   3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
   4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
   5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
   6. Increasing the standards to qualify as a dead horse rider.
   7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
   8. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
   9. Unilaterally declaring, "no horse is too dead to beat."
  10. Blaming the horse's parents.
  11. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
  12. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride the horse cheaper.
  13. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
  14. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
  15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Useful flowchart for horse owners

 

Wear Your Rear Seatbelt

Secret Service

I went to Easter Service at my church today., and as I was leaving. The Bishop was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me aside.
 
The Bishop  said, "Dennis, You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
 
I  said to him, "Bishop, I'm already in the Army of the Lord, "
 
The Bishop  questioned, "How come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"
 
I whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

A Question

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.   So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

 

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

 

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

 

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

 

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

 

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Firearms Salesman of the Year

 

Animal Sounds

 

Cartoons on Current Affairs

 

Are you Kathlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there .

One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are?'

The oldest one said, 'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'

'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'

'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.'

Math Humor

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. 

 
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. 

 
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. 

 
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Pi and i had an argument

 

It Finally Happened

 

Dangerous Garter Snakes!

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes,  NOT rattlesnakes. Here's why.

 

 

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

 

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

 

She let out a very loud scream.

 

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

 

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

 

 

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

 

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

 

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

 

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

 

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

 

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

 

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out

 

and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

 

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and

 

began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived.

 

Breathe here......

 

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

 

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke,

 

it started a fire in the drapes.

 

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog that, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

 

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the neighborhood power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (....but they did get the house fire out).

 

Time passed! Men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

 

A while later they were watching TV and again, the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

 

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

 

 

 

And that's when he shot her.

The Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into a Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

 

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

 

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

 

There is a few moments silence then one elderly gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think my  wife may have caught a glimpse ....'.

How to avoid getting stuck in a ditch...

Corn Maze