Vijay Jokes

 

Mandles

Subaru Forester Carwash

Bush Avatars

 

Preity Zinta after IPL

The Fishermen

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day.

 

Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

 

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

 

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

 

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."

 

30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."

 

One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

 

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says, "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

 

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

Men can do anything...

 

How to Kill your Wife

 

The Elderly Couple

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Father's Day Gift

A new nail gun made by DeWalt.

 

It can drive a 6-D nail thru a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

 

This makes construction a real breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.  Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold beer.  When they have the board in the right place, just fire away. With the hundred round magazine, you can build a fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you fix or build anything else -- ever again.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Out of Office Replies

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for
my mood.

******************

You are receiving this automatic notification because
I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you
wouldn't have received anything at all.

******************

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors
having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to
management

******************

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless
emails you send me until I return from vacation on
4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.

******************

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for
each additional word in your message

******************

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.'


(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you
can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and
over).

******************
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a
queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and
can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19
weeks.

******************

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you
got this message.

******************

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

******************

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.

******************

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job.
Don't bother to leave me any messages.

******************

I've run away to join a different circus.

******************

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for
medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as
'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

They forgot me...

 

A Metaphor

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'  He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.  The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!  We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

Professional Touch

நீ சொன்னாய் என்பதற்காகத்தான் உனது அப்பாவிடம் பேசிப் பார்க்கலாம் என்ற முடிவுக்கு வந்தேன். 'அலுவலகத்தில் இருக்கிறேன், நீல்கிரிஸில் சாயங்கலாம் சந்திக்கலாம்' என உன் தகப்பன் தொலைபேசியில் சொன்னபோது கடமை தவறாதவனின் மகளைத்தான் காதலித்திருக்கிறோம் என இறுமாந்திருந்தேன்.

     சொன்னபடி ஐந்து மணிக்கெல்லாம் வந்தமர்ந்த உனது அப்பனைப் பார்த்த போது 'எருமை மாட்டிற்கு மான் குட்டி எப்படி பிறந்தது?!' என்ற பழைய கவிதைதான் நினைவிற்கு வந்தது. மான்குட்டி என்ற வர்ணனை உனக்கு அதிக பட்சம்தான் என்றாலும் எருமை மாடு என்பது உனது அப்பனுக்கு மிகக் குறைந்த பட்சம்தான். அந்தக் கடையில் பில் போடுவதற்காக இருந்த கம்ப்யூட்டரைத் தவிர மீதம் இருந்த அனைத்தையும் தீன்று தீர்த்துவிடும் வெறி அவரது கண்களில் மின்னியதை நான் கவனிக்கத் தவறிவிட்டேன். சரி எதையாவது சாப்பிட்டுவிட்டு பேச்சைத் துவங்கலாம் என சர்வரை அழைத்தேன். அதற்குப் பின் உனது அப்பனின் கைங்கர்யத்தால் சமையல் கட்டிற்கும் டேபிளிற்கும் இடையே சுமார் ஐம்பது ஓட்டங்கள் எடுத்தான் சர்வர். ராயப்பாஸிலும், தலப்பாகட்டிலும் நீ புஃல் கட்டு கட்டுவது ஒரு ஜெனடிக் பிரச்சனை என்பதைக் கண்டுகொண்டேன். வேழ முகம்தான் இல்லையே தவிர பேழை வயிறு இருக்கிறது உன் பரம்பரைக்கே...

     அவரது வேட்டையை முடிவுக்கு கொண்டு வர இயலாதவனாக கையறு நிலையில் இருந்தபோது ' தம்பி இப்பல்லாம் முன்ன மாதிரி சாப்பிட முடியறதில்லபா... வயசாச்சில்ல...' என தன் திருவாய் மலர்ந்தார். திடப்பொருட்களிலிருந்து ரோஸ்மில்க் போன்ற திரவப் பொருட்களுக்கு மாறினார். அப்பாடா, முடித்து விட்டார் என்ற ஆசுவாசத்தை 'ஒரு கஸாடா' என்ற வார்த்தையில் உடைத்தார். கஸாட்டாவும், ஜர்தா பீடாவும் சாப்பிடுவதில்லை என்பதைத் தவிர திருச்செந்தூர் கோவிலில் உண்டைக்கட்டிக்கு காத்திருக்கும் கோவில் யானைக்கும் உனது அப்பனுக்கும் ஆறு வித்தியாசங்கள் கூட இல்லை.  'தம்பி எப்ப சாப்பிட்டாலும் கடைசியா ஒரு ஐஸ் க்ரீம் சாப்பிடுறது நல்லதுப்பா' என்ற அவரது கூற்றில் இருந்த கடைசியா எனும் வார்த்தைதான் எனக்கு வாழ்வின் மீது நம்பிக்கையை ஏற்படுத்தியது.

     'சார், நான் உங்க பொண்ணை விரும்புறேன். அவளையே கல்யாணம் பண்ணிக்க ஆசைப்படுறேன். அது விஷயமாப் பேசத்தான் உங்களுக்கு போன் பண்ணினேன்' என்று மெல்ல பேச்சைத் துவங்கினேன். 'அப்ப போனவாரம் இதே விஷயமாப் பேச 'ஆனந்த பவனுக்கு' வந்தது நீங்க இல்லையா தம்பி?!' என ஆச்சர்யமாக அவர் கேட்டபோதுதான், மொத்தக்குடும்பமும் இரை எடுப்பதற்கென்றே எவனையாவது இரையாக்குவதை புரொபஷனல் டச்சோடு செய்கிறீர்கள் என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன். " தம்பி இது பெரிய விஷயம், ஒரு நாளில் பேசித் தீர்த்துவிட முடியாது. நீங்க ஒன்னு பண்ணுங்க... நாளக்கி சாயங்காலம் அன்னபூர்ணா வந்துடுங்க... அப்ப பேசிக்கலாம்" என்ற உனது தகப்பனைக் கொலை செய்ய அந்த நேரம் என்னிடம் துப்பாக்கி இல்லாமல் போனது துர்பாக்கியமே. 

Time for some male bashing.....

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.
 
*************
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...

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Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
 
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Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?

A: Who cares?????.....
 
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Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
 
*************
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
 
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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: i) no mind ii) no business

*************
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

*************
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

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Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

*************
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!
 
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Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

Boys will be Boys

Client Visit

Don't Mess with Women

 

2008 Darwin Awards

These Darwin Awards are given to people who continue to prove that mankind's stupidity is still evolving! Each of these incidents actually happened...hard to believe....but, oh, so true.

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was 'totally stoned when he ran ,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying  him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sy lvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
 
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM . Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He mir aculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up  pachyderm finally got relief.  
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast decided to unload . 
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

The new way to eat Noodles....

 

It has finally happened...

 

Don't be too Romantic

Toyota Cowrolla

 

Can't be Executed

A man is working on the buses in Texas collecting money & tickets for fares.
                               
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial, the man is sent down for murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
                               
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
                               
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
                               
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
                               
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair.
 

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
 

 The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
                               
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
                               
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
 

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises, the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
                               
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana, isn't it?" he asked.
                               
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

Clean your shoes once in a while... A True Incident

Issued in Public Interest. Atleast from Tomorrow clean it......

Job Application

 

Lefty's a SouthPaw

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A letter to Sardarji

A letter from a Sardar's mother to her son....

My dear Lotta,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved 25 miles
away and are safe now.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed
here took the house numbers with him for his new house so he would not
have to change his address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to
take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain
same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a
girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Beppo Singh fell in! the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and
he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Genda Singh, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a
grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : Lotta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already posted off this letter.