Bar Jokes

* A skeleton walks into a bar
Orders a beer and a mop
 
* A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. When he finishes, he gets up, pays his bill, and heads for the exit. At the door, he turned around, pulls out a gun, shoots the piano player, and heads out the door.
The bartender is shocked and says "Hey! Why'd you shoot my piano player".
The panda says, "Look it up; it's what I do," and walks out.
The bartender looks up "panda" in the dictionary: "Panda: Large black-and-white herbivorous mammal of bamboo forests that eats, shoots, and leaves."
 
* A duck walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and put it on my bill."
 
* A  horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Hey Buddy, why the long face?".
 
* A jumper cable walks in to a bar
Bartender says "I'll serve ya, but don't start anything"
 
* A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve string in here. Get out."
So the piece of string leaves, ties a knot at one of its ends, tousels the strands just above the knot and goes back into the bar.
"Hey," says the bartender. "Weren't you just in here? Aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
"No," answers the string. "I'm a frayed knot."

 

* A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Give me a beer...[long pause] ... and some peanuts."
Bartender: "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"
The bear looks at his paws and says, "Oh, these? I was born with them."

 

* Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks: "Good evening Monsieur Descartes. Shall I get you the usual?"
Descartes replies, "No, I think not," and promptly vanishes.

 

* A guy walks into a bar and says..... "OUCH!"

Palin's Policy

Quotes about Palin
 "She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia." –FOX News Channel's Steve Doocy, gushing over Palin's qualifications, to which Jon Stewart quipped, "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa."

"I'm not sure what she brings to the ticket other than she's a woman and a conservative." –Sarah Palin's mother-in-law, Faye Palin, who said she may vote for Obama

"She's old enough. She's a U.S. citizen." --John Harris, Alaska's Republican speaker of the house, when asked about Palin's qualifications for vice president

Sarah Palin in Her Own Words
"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co."

"I've been so focused on state government, I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq." --Palin

"It's great to see another part of the country." --Palin, campaigning in Pennsylvania

How to fail exams with dignity...

 

The Wall-Street Game

 

Anything to get elected...!

 

Not only are Sarah Palin style glasses selling like hot cakes, but there are now Sarah Palin style Wigs on the Market....

Some people will do anything to try to get elected.

Danger Sign

 

Provide New Father Details

 

Dogbert's Tech Support

 

Blonde Millionaire

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.  If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket
only the $25,000 milestone money.  And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.  

 

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but  instead lays its eggs in the nests of other  birds?  Is it:
 
A) The condor

 

B) The buzzard
 
C) The cuckoo
 
D) The vulture
 
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her "Ask the Audience' Lifeline.  All that remained was her 'Phone-a-Friend' Lifeline.  She hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well--blonde.
 
But she had no alternative.  She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.  The blonde responded unhesitatingly.  'That's easy.  The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
 
The contestant had to make a decision and make it  fast.  She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.  But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.  'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
 
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
 
'Is that your final answer?'   'Yes, that is my final answer.'
 
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is....absolutely correct!  You are now a millionaire!'
 
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had
helped her win the million dollars.  'Becky, I just do not know how to thank you,' gushed the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
 
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.  They live in clocks.'

Japanese Train

How dare you...

All it takes...

Advanced Treatment for Back pain

 

Mornings

 

This is what happens with us...

 

Tally

No Money, No Life

 

Quirky Angle

 

Lifecycle

 

Good Thought ...!!!!

 

Give back my cat...

Pun Intended

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

 

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

 

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

 

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 

A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you a flat miner.

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

A calendar's days are numbered.

 

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.  'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?  

                 

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'            

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'

Next Surya - Part 2

Next Surya - Part 1

Holiday - May be not..

From: Melinda Blevins
Sent: Tuesday, August 29, 2006 2:06 PM
To: All Employees
Subject: Labor Day

 

Just a remind to everyone that Monday, September 4th, 2006 is
an official company holiday.

 

Please check in with your manager to see if you will be able to
have the day off.  No one should assume that they have the day
off without prior approval from their manager.

 

Melinda Blevins
Human Resources Generalist

 

(From thedailywtf.com)

Grandma's Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.  She writes:
 

Dear Granddaughter, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God! '
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something..
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma