Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. ( The British are well known as "Cool")
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Politics
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
You know you're from a small town if...
~ You can name everyone you graduated with.
~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
~ You used to drag "main."
~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.
~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.
~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
~ You used to drag "main."
~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.
~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.
~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
At the golf course...
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
The Small Voice
A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
ATM Procedure for Men and Women
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Software Jokes
Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!
Somu : public member or private?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!
Friday, July 06, 2007
Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Drinking Bet
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Types of People
* There are two types of people in this world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
* There are ten types of people in this world - those who know binary and those
who don't.
* There are ten types of people in this world - those who know binary and those
who don't.
The Drunk
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Monday, May 28, 2007
Please keep quite
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?
Why do some men never get girl-friends
1) You always sit in the last bench with the other class comrades who feel that its possible to get marks sitting in last row. In case of workplace, no girls are there in your project and you have like minded ppl like you as colleagues and wherein your entertainment oscillates between the bars and cinema theaters.
2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.
3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)
4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can't take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***...(obv..its becoz of jealousy)
5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Vasantha Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar, types . Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami's kadai and Murugan Idly and max Anjappar, Ponnusaamy. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang's kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.
6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky's when the local corner "Nair Kadai Chaaya" tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.
7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can't comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely "Kadi jokes" (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.
8) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.
9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can't do the following:
Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ....
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise).............then says "I had sambhar for idli."
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr............ i had chutney....and giggles...
I swear, I cant tolerate any longer than this................ And this is not a figment of imagination, by any means. I have seen this...Though I agree there may be exceptions..
10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael's song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.
11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.
12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.
With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that...
We have THE uniqueness that we remain single till we get married and having that trait is really a virtue and who knows, we might be the elite clique in the future.
So all those of you who feel sad that they dont have Gf's, just chill!!! We are not made for it and I swear that for our characteristics, a GF would not have added any value addition and we are better off staying single till 28 or 30. :-).
2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.
3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)
4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can't take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***...(obv..its becoz of jealousy)
5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Vasantha Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar, types . Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami's kadai and Murugan Idly and max Anjappar, Ponnusaamy. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang's kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.
6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky's when the local corner "Nair Kadai Chaaya" tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.
7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can't comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely "Kadi jokes" (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.
8) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.
9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can't do the following:
Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ....
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise).............then says "I had sambhar for idli."
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr............ i had chutney....and giggles...
I swear, I cant tolerate any longer than this................ And this is not a figment of imagination, by any means. I have seen this...Though I agree there may be exceptions..
10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael's song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.
11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.
12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.
With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that...
We have THE uniqueness that we remain single till we get married and having that trait is really a virtue and who knows, we might be the elite clique in the future.
So all those of you who feel sad that they dont have Gf's, just chill!!! We are not made for it and I swear that for our characteristics, a GF would not have added any value addition and we are better off staying single till 28 or 30. :-).
Kids Funnies
1. Michael was in third grade and had to write a short biography of his parents. When the teacher read what he'd written about his mother, she was impressed with his vocabulary. The essay read, "My mom has blue eyes and chestnut hair."
"Where did you learn about the color chestnut?" the teacher asked him.
"I read it off her hair-dye box," Michael answered cheerily.
2. Three-year-old Joey came crying to his mother. "I stubbed my toe," the boy wailed.
"Which one?" his mother asked.
"The one that had roast beef!" he sobbed.
3. Like a typical teenager, Steven dreaded his family's annual vacation at a seaside cottage in the middle of 'Boring Nowhere.' But his eyes brightened when his mother said, "Did I tell you we'll be buying lobsters from Pamela Anderson? We'll even bike to her house to pick them up!"
His face grew sulllen as the horrible truth dawned: "There's more than one Pamela Anderson, isn't there?"
4. At first it was funny. Whenever ten-year-old Julie played the piano, the family poodle, Mollie, would sing along - with great enthusiasm, in an earsplitting howl. The family would all laugh, but after awhile her father couldn't take it any longer.
"For Pete's sake, honey," he begged, "play something the dog doesn't know!"
"Where did you learn about the color chestnut?" the teacher asked him.
"I read it off her hair-dye box," Michael answered cheerily.
2. Three-year-old Joey came crying to his mother. "I stubbed my toe," the boy wailed.
"Which one?" his mother asked.
"The one that had roast beef!" he sobbed.
3. Like a typical teenager, Steven dreaded his family's annual vacation at a seaside cottage in the middle of 'Boring Nowhere.' But his eyes brightened when his mother said, "Did I tell you we'll be buying lobsters from Pamela Anderson? We'll even bike to her house to pick them up!"
His face grew sulllen as the horrible truth dawned: "There's more than one Pamela Anderson, isn't there?"
4. At first it was funny. Whenever ten-year-old Julie played the piano, the family poodle, Mollie, would sing along - with great enthusiasm, in an earsplitting howl. The family would all laugh, but after awhile her father couldn't take it any longer.
"For Pete's sake, honey," he begged, "play something the dog doesn't know!"
Medical Chart Bloopers
1. "Hourly observations should be taken every half-hour."
2. "At the beginning of the appointment, the patient should be taken into the treatment room, where a member of the nursing staff will get familiar with him."
3. "Encourage the patient to eat; if he does not, supplement the diet with smacks."
4. "I calmed the patient down by calling her names quietly."
5. "The patient has been depressed since I started nursing her."
2. "At the beginning of the appointment, the patient should be taken into the treatment room, where a member of the nursing staff will get familiar with him."
3. "Encourage the patient to eat; if he does not, supplement the diet with smacks."
4. "I calmed the patient down by calling her names quietly."
5. "The patient has been depressed since I started nursing her."
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