I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
First Day
A pirate clumped into the tavern with parrot on his shoulder, a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over an eye.
After setting him up, the bartender asked, "How'd ye lose the leg?"
Pirate answered, "Croc got it while me explorin' a swamp"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the hand?"
Pirate: "Arrg, lost it primin' a cannon for battle"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the eye?"
Pirate: "While gazin' up at the sails, this mangy fowl flew down and pooped on me face"
Bartender: "Why, that can't hurt your eye"
Pirate: "Arrg, true but was me first day with the hook"
After setting him up, the bartender asked, "How'd ye lose the leg?"
Pirate answered, "Croc got it while me explorin' a swamp"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the hand?"
Pirate: "Arrg, lost it primin' a cannon for battle"
Bartender: "So how'd ye lose the eye?"
Pirate: "While gazin' up at the sails, this mangy fowl flew down and pooped on me face"
Bartender: "Why, that can't hurt your eye"
Pirate: "Arrg, true but was me first day with the hook"
The Intel Watch
There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch."
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch."
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
American English
A Indian guy by name Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived in US airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name, he got fedup and went to them and asked why they havent called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling his name as 'Anotherman Superman'.
They said that they have been calling his name as 'Anotherman Superman'.
The Tough CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Speciality of Women
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. The doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 40."
"39!!" came the weak reply from Lena.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 40."
"39!!" came the weak reply from Lena.
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