Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Redhanded
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied "6".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The Judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas".
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied "6".
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The Judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas".
Conservativs Vs Liberals
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal person. She was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% grade, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 50% grade. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
So her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your grade and give it to your friend who only has a 50%? That way you will both have a 70% grade and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently to his daughter, "Welcome to the Conservative party."
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% grade, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 50% grade. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
So her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your grade and give it to your friend who only has a 50%? That way you will both have a 70% grade and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently to his daughter, "Welcome to the Conservative party."
Ban the Jokes
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter, "I hardly ever get a compliment."
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Makes You Wonder
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
>>>>
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
>>>>
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
>>>>
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
>>>>
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>>>>
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
>>>>
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
>>>>
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
>>>>
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived...... yet?".
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
>>>>
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
>>>>
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
>>>>
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
>>>>
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>>>>
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
>>>>
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
>>>>
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
>>>>
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived...... yet?".
To those who understand ~ No explanation is necessary.
For those who don't understand ~ No explanation is possible
False Teeth
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
The Ride
A monastery was perched high up on a cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.
Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.
One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.
One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.
Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."
The Pet
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer fromhisnew pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Butagain, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one moretime; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer fromhisnew pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Butagain, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one moretime; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Friday, January 27, 2006
Reference Queries
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a colour photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a colour photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
Good Impression
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the
Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."
The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the
Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Porsche
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived.
He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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