January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels "duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake that ran downhill.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm, car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year! I hope 2006 will be better!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Supplies!!
A foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says:
To the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, and you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.
“The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left the' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells................
“SUPPLIES!!!”
To the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, and you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.
“The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left the' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells................
“SUPPLIES!!!”
If Men Really Ruled The World
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the back and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL teamof your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." - Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation
Wanna hear a blonde joke?
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Normal enough..?
During a recient visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
A Dollar
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Monday, December 26, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Watch your step!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place it is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and - not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man - is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, thin, tanned, a great smile. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word then leaves the couple alone.
The happy woman exclaims, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all eternity?"
The guy shakes his head and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place it is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and - not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man - is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, thin, tanned, a great smile. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word then leaves the couple alone.
The happy woman exclaims, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all eternity?"
The guy shakes his head and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting. She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we have lived happily ever after."
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting. She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we have lived happily ever after."
Are you relaxing?
One day Sipho was enjoying the sun at the beach in South Africa. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Sipho answered, "No, I am Sipho."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sipho answered, "No! No! Me Sipho!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again. Sipho was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Sipho slapped him in his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sipho answered, "No! No! Me Sipho!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again. Sipho was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Sipho slapped him in his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Thursday, December 22, 2005
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