Kids' Advice to Kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, age 14

Stay away from prunes. - Randy, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, age 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac. - Andrew, age 9

Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, age 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, age 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, age 8

The Test

Once four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. They said they were ready.

On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.

The test consisted of two questions with a total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)

Santa and Banta

There were these two friends and both of them had Sardarji drivers. They were having an argument about whose driver is more stupid. So one of the friends called his driver:"Oye Santa Singh"...

Santa Singh: "Ji praaji"

Boss: "Get this $10 bill, go to Showroom and buy a Mercedes Benz for me"

Santa Singh: "Oh fikar hi na karo ji.. mein abhi aaya"

The boss said to his friend in a winning tone.. "See how stupid he is.. he went to buy a Mercedes for only $10."

The other friend said "Still my driver is more stupid". Then he called his driver Banta Singh and said "Go home and check if I m there."

Banta singh: "Ji mein abhi aata hoon dekh kar.."

Boss: "See my driver is more stupid.. he can't even realize that how can I be at home if I'm here"

Now Santa and Banta met on their way..

Santa Singh: "My boss is sooo stupid.. he gave me $10 to buy a Mercedes.. he doesn't even know that today is Sunday and all showrooms are closed."

Banta Singh: "My boss is even more stupid, he sent me to check if he is at home.. he has a cell phone.. he could have called home and checked if he is there."

The Lie Detector

The Police department bought a lie detector. It works in the following way: If the truth is told- the machine wont give any sound. If a lie is told- the machine will give a sound 'TNAAAAA...'

The Police department wanted to test it and chose three men - One Bengali, one Madrasi and one Sardarji.

Their correspondences are given infront of the lie machine. Here it goes......

Bengali:- I think I can eat 30 rosogullas at a time!

Lie machine:- TNAAAAA...

Bengali:- No no, I think I can eat 10 rosogullas at a time

Lie machine:- (No sound - truth is told)

Madrasi:- I think i can eat 25 dosas at a time

Lie machine:- TNAAA...

Madrasi:- No no, I think i can eat 10 dosas at a time

Lie machine:- no sound(truth)

Sardarji:- I think....

Lie machine:- TNAAAAAA.....

Sardarji:- I think...

Lie machine:- TNAAAAAAA......

Some Good Rules

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Really True in Cafeteria)

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. (That's Very True)

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (ITS DAMN TRUE)

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Engineers versus Doctors

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So all of them gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.


SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):

7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..

Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......

When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet SO when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekh lenge"


NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, as from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE.


SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):

Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket, Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives.... ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg Bathroom...


TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined........


SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):

SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...

The TC Comes.. All Engineers show their tickets.....

...and Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train!!!!!!!!

The Painting

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

The not-so-dumb blonde!

A man came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of his co-workers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came in and asked him what he's doing.

"Shh," he said, "I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday. ."

A minute later the Boss walked by and asked him what he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," the Boss said, "take a few days off, and come back when you are de-stressed"

With that, he jumped down and started walking out. His co-worker started following him and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons." He said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Beautiful Sound

I'm going to tell you the story of a man who defied all odds to discover his eternal quest - the secret which changed his life forever.

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound, you're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.

When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.

But.., wait a minute, you're not a monk! I can't tell you what it was.

Presence of Mind

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." She answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

What a Logic!

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his Money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to Take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money To the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him".

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it!!!"

Beppo Singh Balle Balle!

Beppo Singh returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. "Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that
because I am Sardar?"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "

Beppo seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"

"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Beppo poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"

The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."

******************************

Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Beppo Singh are standing when a Britisher comes and asks "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?

Hindu: "Lotus"

Britisher: "Ha I use it as toilet paper everyday!"

Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being national flower.

Muslim: "Chameli"

Britisher: "Ha I use it as toilet paper everyday!"

Muslim is also surprised and angry.

Britisher: "Sardarji and what is your favorite flower?"

Patriotic Beppo: "CACTUS! ab kar le saaf."

******************************

BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.

Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.

Friend: Condolences, my friend.

After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder.

Friend: what now?

Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!

******************************

BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Beppo Singh: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

******************************

BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.

Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

******************************

Santa Singh was relaxing in his front yard when his neighbor, Beppo Singh came out of the house and went straight to the mail-box. He opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later he came out of his house and again went to the mail-box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As Santa Singh was getting ready to go back inside, Beppo Singh came out again, marched to the mail-box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions Santa asked,"Is something wrong?"

To which Beppo Singh replied, "Oye! There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

******************************

Beppo Singh is appearing for his University final examination.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.

******************************

Beppo Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.

Beppo said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."

Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"

Beppo Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving.

Bad Memory

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Beppo Singh, your daughter Preeto just died in an accident"

The sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.

While coming down, when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a
daughter named preeto.

When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Beppo Singh.

Type Of Girls

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Expert Advice

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

You Are Next!

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Drunk Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Childlike

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"