Chinglish

 

Painting the porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately"

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The Dead Rabbit

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

 

Chris panicked!

 

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

 

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

 

Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

 

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

 

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

 

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

 

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

Posters

 

Funny Headlines

 

Stick People

 

He finally did it!!!!

 

An Honest Scammer

George Bush's farewell party

 

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,  cold in the winter and stank all the time.

 

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

 

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy  decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek

and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

 

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

 

The boy answered yes.

 

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because  he told the truth."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

Why men shouldn't take messages...

 

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral 7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries.

Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn't contain herself any longer.

Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Actual Picture from a Burger King in Philadelphia

 

The Blonde Driver

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

An Irish Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

 

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

 

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

 

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

 

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,  stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

 

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?  The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 7:30, 9:00 or 10:30?'

The Decoy

It was St. Patrick’s Day night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy pub for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

 

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

 

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Math is a Religion

 

Failures

It's the thought that counts...

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

 

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the  Forest .

 

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

 

"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Conference Room

 

Golf Joke

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

 

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

 

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

 

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.  "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

 

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

 

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

 

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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