To come first in the University......(Tips in Tamil)

பல்கலைக்கழகத்திலேயே முதல் மாணவனா வர சில எளிய வழிகள் ..

அதிகாலையில் 4 மணிக்கு எழுந்திருங்க .. குளிரடிச்சாலும் குளிக்க மறக்காதீங்க .. அதுவும் பச்சைத் தண்ணில குளிச்சா ரொம்ப நல்லது . ஒரு அஞ்சு மணி வாக்கில அம்மா தர்ற டீயையோ சாப்பிட்டுட்டு டி . வி . ஆன் பண்ணுங்க .. லோக்கல் சானல்ல நல்ல பக்தி பாட்டு போடுவாங்க .. இல்லேண்ணா சி .டி . யில பி .சுசிலாவோட பக்திப் பாடல் போட்டு அட்மாஸ்பியர் கிரியேட் பண்ணுங்க .. சூழ்நிலை ரொம்ப முக்கியம் .. மனசை ஒருமுகப் படுத்துங்க .. இப்ப ஆறு மணி ஆகியிருக்கும் .. இப்ப கெளம்புனீங்கன்னா நிச்சயமா நீங்கதான் யுனிவர்சிட்டி ஃபர்ஸ்ட் .. ஒரு ஆறரைக்கெல்லாம் போயிரலாம் .. யுனிவர்சிட்டிக்கு ..!

Black Robbers - True Story

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to
eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These
two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot;
they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are
powerful, and immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.
She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read
her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious
now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do
what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw
out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins
rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More
seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if
you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words
out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted
her head
and up at the two men They reached down to help her up. Confused, she
struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor,"
said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard
time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've
made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were
going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them
gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the
elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her
room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid
she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a
good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring
with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed
herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for
dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

How stock market works...

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red
Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was
Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his
Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
Of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is
Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
Responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather
Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
Every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again. "Are you Absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to
be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The
Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

This is how stock markets work!!!

Little Becky - The Prank Caller

Here’s some great audio of an 8-year old girl from Dublin, Ireland making prank phone calls. Becky is featured on an Irish morning radio show.

Becky’s Demolition Company

Becky’s Driving Test

Becky Rings the Zoo

Becky and the Spare Tyre

Becky Wants to Be a Hairdresser

Becky Calls Up An Annoying Advertiser From TV

Becky Wants To Be a Footballer’s Wife

Becky Hires a Crane (and starts to crack up!)

Becky Pretends to Be Mariah Carey

(From: http://www.johntedwards.com/2006/10/15/little-irish-girl-prank-calls/)

New Bluetooth Technology

 

Some Questions

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be
given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good
thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just
sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God
knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I
will stayand watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange
isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on
your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in
Bars?

Another Toy Recalled

If you or anyone you know has one of these, it has been recalled as
being unsafe...

Murphy's Laws

The PRIME Axiom: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can
go wrong, will.

2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one
that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is
actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of
work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found
to make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of
plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors
adding in the same direction.
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more
than one person is involved.
16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly
placed if more than one person is involved.
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of
the final invoice.
18. Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and
one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

Creative Ads

An Amazing Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and
walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Duck

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. 

 

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 

 "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
  

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
 

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get  many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the   duck.
 

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to  him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused. "What the hecck would they want with a plasterer?"

Chimp Delivery

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. 

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"  

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"  

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?   I'll give you $100 for your trouble."  

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was stunned to see the blond woman; she was walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.  

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World"

--  

Movie Mistakes

 

Coincidence Photography

 

The end is near

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

                   The End is Near!
                   Turn Yourself Around Now
                   Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and asks, 'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?'

Bass Yahi Baki tha...

 

 

True sentiments?

The Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well, I'm not sure " began the blonde, "I just got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

The New Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

Golf Truisms

May thy ball lie in green pastures ~ and not in still waters.
~ Author Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.
Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~ Bob Hope

My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ Author Unknown

Blondes have more fun

Europeans Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. ( The British are well known as "Cool")

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Politics

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man .which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Corporate Cartoon

You know you're from a small town if...

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

~ You used to drag "main."

~ You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.

~ You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

~ You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

~ The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

~ You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).

~ Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

~ You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

~ You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

~ Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.

~ Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teachers calls you by your older siblings' names.

~ Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

Shoe Dealer

Reserved Parking

At the golf course...

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped Him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the Highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

The Small Voice

A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."


"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

ATM Procedure for Men and Women

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Software Jokes

Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Hey.. my submarine is not sinking into the water!! what could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...
Somu : How do u know...?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time...??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramesh : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything...
The Developer Studio can really do magic...
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that's why?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer... but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or.......
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Software DT in Heaven
Ramu : hey.. I couldn't send a mail to Hell today... it says mail "demon" not running...
Somu : ur case is better.. for me, it says "ghost not reachable" and bounces back!

Couldn't Spell

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell ‘convenience,' so I made it ‘risk.'"

Never Trust the Pirates

The Drinking Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Types of People

* There are two types of people in this world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

* There are ten types of people in this world - those who know binary and those
who don't.

The Drunk

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Please keep quite

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?

Why do some men never get girl-friends

1) You always sit in the last bench with the other class comrades who feel that its possible to get marks sitting in last row. In case of workplace, no girls are there in your project and you have like minded ppl like you as colleagues and wherein your entertainment oscillates between the bars and cinema theaters.

2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.

3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)

4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can't take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***...(obv..its becoz of jealousy)

5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Vasantha Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar, types . Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami's kadai and Murugan Idly and max Anjappar, Ponnusaamy. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang's kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.

6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky's when the local corner "Nair Kadai Chaaya" tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.

7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can't comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely "Kadi jokes" (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.

8) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.

9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can't do the following:

Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ....
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise).............then says "I had sambhar for idli."
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr............ i had chutney....and giggles...

I swear, I cant tolerate any longer than this................ And this is not a figment of imagination, by any means. I have seen this...Though I agree there may be exceptions..

10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael's song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.

11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.

12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.

With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that...

We have THE uniqueness that we remain single till we get married and having that trait is really a virtue and who knows, we might be the elite clique in the future.

So all those of you who feel sad that they dont have Gf's, just chill!!! We are not made for it and I swear that for our characteristics, a GF would not have added any value addition and we are better off staying single till 28 or 30. :-).

Kids Funnies

1. Michael was in third grade and had to write a short biography of his parents. When the teacher read what he'd written about his mother, she was impressed with his vocabulary. The essay read, "My mom has blue eyes and chestnut hair."

"Where did you learn about the color chestnut?" the teacher asked him.

"I read it off her hair-dye box," Michael answered cheerily.


2. Three-year-old Joey came crying to his mother. "I stubbed my toe," the boy wailed.

"Which one?" his mother asked.

"The one that had roast beef!" he sobbed.


3. Like a typical teenager, Steven dreaded his family's annual vacation at a seaside cottage in the middle of 'Boring Nowhere.' But his eyes brightened when his mother said, "Did I tell you we'll be buying lobsters from Pamela Anderson? We'll even bike to her house to pick them up!"

His face grew sulllen as the horrible truth dawned: "There's more than one Pamela Anderson, isn't there?"


4. At first it was funny. Whenever ten-year-old Julie played the piano, the family poodle, Mollie, would sing along - with great enthusiasm, in an earsplitting howl. The family would all laugh, but after awhile her father couldn't take it any longer.

"For Pete's sake, honey," he begged, "play something the dog doesn't know!"

Medical Chart Bloopers

1. "Hourly observations should be taken every half-hour."

2. "At the beginning of the appointment, the patient should be taken into the treatment room, where a member of the nursing staff will get familiar with him."

3. "Encourage the patient to eat; if he does not, supplement the diet with smacks."

4. "I calmed the patient down by calling her names quietly."

5. "The patient has been depressed since I started nursing her."

That's Pun-ny

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Dogs

Help Desk

One of our somewhat computer illiterate clerks called I.T. help desk to ask about changing her password. The tech punched in a few keys and then said, "Okay, log in using the password 123456."

"Is that all in caps?" she asked.

Stuff To Laugh At

My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."

-----------------------------------------------

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

------------------------------------------------

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

------------------------------------------------

Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

----------------------------------------

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

------------------------------------------

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"

Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

He replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

------------------------------------------

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

Q: How many Drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines that do that now.

Q: How many Lead Singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They hold the bulb and let the world revolve around them.

Q: How many Bass Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Duh?

Q: How many Lead Guitar Players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About 10. One to change the bulb and the rest to say that they can do it better AND faster.

The History Of Casual Day

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

The Retired Preacher

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

Virtual Barbershop

The Treatment

A woman went to the doctor's office, where a young, new doctor saw her. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs.Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Chocolates, Shopping, Beauty Salon etc.

A woman was walking down the street when she was confronted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop chocolate years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate."

Naveena Thiruvilayadal

Impressing Your Client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.

While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I' m waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Tom," he said.

I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

Applying for a Job at IKEA

Viva Questions and Answers

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate : An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

************************************************************************************

External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!" -------------------


************************************************************************************

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.

************************************************************************************

Interviewer: H! ow will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

************************************************************************************

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

************************************************************************************

Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly): "Uh - A transformer that is put in the x-udment or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer) Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"

We Made Them Change

Some More Stupid Criminals

* A German "tourist", supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

* Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. They received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

* Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

* Indiana: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole – are you ready for this? – the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

* Virginia: A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that:
1) he could not get to the money from where he was,
2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.

* Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

The Stupid Criminal

A man, wanting to rob a downtown San Francisco Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Weapons on Board

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said.

"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Poetic Resignation

What I want to say? (Employee)

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.


Thanks & Regards
Employee


Manager's Response

Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)

The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say

If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say

Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work

It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say

Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....

You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi....
That is all what I want to say.

Thanks & Regards
Manager