One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Monday, January 23, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Getting the Incentive Right
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Froggie
A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race."
The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."
The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race."
The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."
The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
Immigration Test
Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Telling It Like It Is
** Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
** A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
** A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
** A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home
** A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
** A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
** A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
** A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home
Friday, January 20, 2006
Lateral Thinking
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Best Beer
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.”
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren’t you going to have a Castle, Norm?"
Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.”
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please."
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren’t you going to have a Castle, Norm?"
Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Mother Tongue
A son was filling up the form with Dad's help. He came across a question, "Mother tongue".
He asked his Dad, "What should I write here, Dad?"
And Dad responded, "Very long."
He asked his Dad, "What should I write here, Dad?"
And Dad responded, "Very long."
Dog's Life
A teacher on Animalogy asked the students, "Now tell me, why dogs don't marry?"
A student raised hand and responded, "Because they are already leading a dog's life!"
A student raised hand and responded, "Because they are already leading a dog's life!"
Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The Funeral director would be my guess."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The Funeral director would be my guess."
An Engineer and a Manager
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am,"replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am,"replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
To be six again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Two Blondes
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Blonde Selling A Car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
10 Reasons Not To Do Homework
This top-10 lists are real excuses from my 4 year old. How come I never thought of these when I was younger? Oh yeah, I didn't have homework at that age. Hahahah. Anyway parents, read up and get prepared. (From http://mamasbagoftricks.blogspot.com)
Number 1
Me: Why have you stopped writing?
Girl: I lost my pencil. I don't know where it is?
(No joke, she really did lose it. Even I couldn't find it. Of course a parent must always be prepared with many spare pencils)
Number 2
Me: Can you start your homework now?
Girl: (Takes out her book, sits down. Writes one letter then gets up). Mom, I'm hungry. Let me eat something first ok?
Number 3
Me: Hey, where are you going? You haven't finished your work yet.
Girl: Thirsty lah.
Number 4
Me: What are you doing? Why stop again?
Girl: I'm stretching my hands.
Number 5
Girl: (With her head on the table) Mom, can I do later, I'm tired. I want to sleep.
Number 6
Girl is doing her homework. Suddenly she just falls out from her stool and starts crying.
Me: What happened? How come you can fall down?
Girl: Boo hoo. The chair push me down.
Me: Huh? The chair push you down?
(I suspect she was playing with the stool, rocking it on two legs and then fell backwards. Really hilarious. You just had to be there. Of course as her mother I tried not to laugh. HAHAHAHA. She has a tendency to blame the inanimate objects for her accidents. E.g. Mom the wall hit my head.)
Number 7
Girl: (Stops doing homework. Scissors in hand, cutting at her pants).
Me: What are you doing now?
Girl: My pants is scratchy (pointing to the label)
Number 8
Girl: (Fiddling around with the pencil sharpener for the 10th time)
Me: I wonder your homework finish first or your pencil finish first.
Number 9
Get ready for the in between news updates and broadcasts.
Girl: (Writes one letter) Mommy, you know ah, in school etc....
Me: Ok, can we continue with your work?
Girl: (Writes another letter) Mommy, you know ah, Damus etc....
Me: I see. Let's keep writing.
Girl: (Writes another letter). Mommy, afterwards don't forget etc....
Number 10
Me: Why are you not writing?
Girl: Because you are not counting for me!
(One way I motivate her to write is to count how many seconds it takes her to write one letter/word/character. We then see if the next one takes her less time, more time or the same).
Good luck parents!
Number 1
Me: Why have you stopped writing?
Girl: I lost my pencil. I don't know where it is?
(No joke, she really did lose it. Even I couldn't find it. Of course a parent must always be prepared with many spare pencils)
Number 2
Me: Can you start your homework now?
Girl: (Takes out her book, sits down. Writes one letter then gets up). Mom, I'm hungry. Let me eat something first ok?
Number 3
Me: Hey, where are you going? You haven't finished your work yet.
Girl: Thirsty lah.
Number 4
Me: What are you doing? Why stop again?
Girl: I'm stretching my hands.
Number 5
Girl: (With her head on the table) Mom, can I do later, I'm tired. I want to sleep.
Number 6
Girl is doing her homework. Suddenly she just falls out from her stool and starts crying.
Me: What happened? How come you can fall down?
Girl: Boo hoo. The chair push me down.
Me: Huh? The chair push you down?
(I suspect she was playing with the stool, rocking it on two legs and then fell backwards. Really hilarious. You just had to be there. Of course as her mother I tried not to laugh. HAHAHAHA. She has a tendency to blame the inanimate objects for her accidents. E.g. Mom the wall hit my head.)
Number 7
Girl: (Stops doing homework. Scissors in hand, cutting at her pants).
Me: What are you doing now?
Girl: My pants is scratchy (pointing to the label)
Number 8
Girl: (Fiddling around with the pencil sharpener for the 10th time)
Me: I wonder your homework finish first or your pencil finish first.
Number 9
Get ready for the in between news updates and broadcasts.
Girl: (Writes one letter) Mommy, you know ah, in school etc....
Me: Ok, can we continue with your work?
Girl: (Writes another letter) Mommy, you know ah, Damus etc....
Me: I see. Let's keep writing.
Girl: (Writes another letter). Mommy, afterwards don't forget etc....
Number 10
Me: Why are you not writing?
Girl: Because you are not counting for me!
(One way I motivate her to write is to count how many seconds it takes her to write one letter/word/character. We then see if the next one takes her less time, more time or the same).
Good luck parents!
Hot and Cold
One day a blonde was sitting in her apartment when the doorbell rang. She answered the door and found a salesman standing on her porch with a strange object in his hands.
"What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?"
"This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.
"What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," she replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What's in it?" they asked.
"Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"
"What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?"
"This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.
"What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," she replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What's in it?" they asked.
"Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"
Before and After
After many sessions the psychiatrist told his patient, “Congratulations, Sir, you are cured.”
The patient replied, “Some cure. Before, I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.”
The patient replied, “Some cure. Before, I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.”
Lucky Saucer
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. “
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. “
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Everything Is Big In Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Expiry Date
Wife: Honey... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was just looking for the EXPIRY DATE.
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
Husband: I was just looking for the EXPIRY DATE.
Believe It
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
"Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
Monday, January 16, 2006
The Blonde's Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The Speeding Blonde
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The blonde yelled back, "NO...SCARF!"
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The blonde yelled back, "NO...SCARF!"
Being First
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
That's easy...
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them," she said proudly.
Her friend asked, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy...W!"
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them," she said proudly.
Her friend asked, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy...W!"
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Family Problems
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
“Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
“Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER !"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!
Over Enthusiastic
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Want to go back in time?
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
And that's the truth...(and whoever said that History was boring?!)
- Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
- Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
- There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
- The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway -- hence, a "thresh hold."
- In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
- Sometimes people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
- Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak into the food, causing lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
- Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."
- Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
- Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
- In England local folks started running out of places to bury people so they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth...(and whoever said that History was boring?!)
A Java Interview
1. How do you communicate in between Applets and Servlets?
A.If they are reachable by walk, I will go in person, else I will use phone.
2. What is the use of Servlets?
A.In hotels, they can replace servers.
3. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A.Threads are small ropes. Making a rope from threads is an example for process.
4. What is the order of method invocation in an Applet?
A.Ascending
5. What is JFC?
A Jilebi, Fanta and Coffee.
6. What is Difference between AWT and Swing?
A.AWT is an acronym. Swing is a word.
7. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A.I will give invitation.
8. How you can know about drivers and database information?
A.I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
9. How do 2 threads communicate with each other?
A.Non living things can't communicate.
10. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A.As you wish, I do not have any objections.
11. What are virtual functions?
A.Functions about which we are dreaming.
12. Write down how will you create a binary Tree?
A.When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
13. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object?
A.If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast.
14. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A.Send it through courier.
15. What is meant by flickering?
A.Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
16. What is meant by distributed Application?
A.Distributing application forms
17. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture.
A.Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and auto rickshaws will have 3 tyres
Follow the Rules
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
Count Your Blessings
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive."
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive."
Announcements
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website:
Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria! This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant! Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."
On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria! This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant! Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first...Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"
At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
Quickie
A doctor was giving a health checkup to an old man.
Doctor: "You have some minor problems, but who wants to live to be 100?"
Patient: "Someone who's 99?"
Doctor: "You have some minor problems, but who wants to live to be 100?"
Patient: "Someone who's 99?"
Change of Scenery
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
Monday, January 09, 2006
Duh!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boots Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boots Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Neither do I
Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC officein Amritsar. Reddy from Hyderabad applied for the same job and, both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".
Santa asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
Thus, being Punjab I should get the job!"
Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Santa wasn’t ready to let up and asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager replied, "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer, and you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".
Santa asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
Thus, being Punjab I should get the job!"
Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Santa wasn’t ready to let up and asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager replied, "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer, and you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
Stupid Answers Inc.,
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (you gotta love that one)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (you gotta love that one)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Random Thoughts
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.
20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My dog can lick anyone!
24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that burger?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
30. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.
31. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
32. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.
20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
22. Procrastinate Now!
23. My dog can lick anyone!
24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that burger?
25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
30. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.
31. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
32. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Two things to worry about
There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or you will go to Hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, and then you won't have time to worry.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or you will go to Hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, and then you won't have time to worry.
Out in the country
Bruce and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in front of his friend Paddy, Bruce falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... "This is Paddy. Bruce just fell to the ground right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I tink he's dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, and then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?"
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you’re right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let’s make sure he's not still alive."
The line goes silent, and then a shot is heard.
Paddy's voice comes back down the network, "OK! What next?"
Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... "This is Paddy. Bruce just fell to the ground right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I tink he's dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, and then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?"
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you’re right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let’s make sure he's not still alive."
The line goes silent, and then a shot is heard.
Paddy's voice comes back down the network, "OK! What next?"
The Fly Hunter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell which is which?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
The Blonde Astronaut
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Chicken Vs Bread
The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news."
"The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonderbread account."
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Divorce in Heaven
There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died.
As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St.Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here. Do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St.Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here. Do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
Redneck Jedi
- You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
- You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud.
- At least one wing of your X-Wing is painted with primer.
- You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is "the dadgum skeeters."
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the Force to cheat at fishing or bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the Dark Side...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R2D2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light the barbecue grill.
- You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
- You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Jar of Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The Lawyer
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea".
And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give to you?”
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea".
And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give to you?”
Ding Dong Bell Bill
Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival of the U.S. Table Tennis Team in Hong Kong after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, thus cheating the Senate out of passing the
"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
The bill failed to pass, thus cheating the Senate out of passing the
"Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
Not So Stupid
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you're in there!"
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you're in there!"
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
Monday, January 02, 2006
Who is the Boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Four Guys and a Genie
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,he said, "Next to you all, are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!.........".
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,he said, "Next to you all, are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!.........".
Life's Great Questions
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
- Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
- What is the speed of darkness?
- Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
- If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
- If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
- Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
- If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation
- Can you cry under water?
- What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year!
# include<year2006>
Happiness* Main (Health, Prosperity)
{
double Salary;
int affairs;
bool married;
constant long career;
long Marriage Life;
while(Life==true)
{
Salary++;
if (!married)
affairs++;
else
Marriage_Life++;
career++;
}
return new Happiness[infinity];
}
Happiness* Main (Health, Prosperity)
{
double Salary;
int affairs;
bool married;
constant long career;
long Marriage Life;
while(Life==true)
{
Salary++;
if (!married)
affairs++;
else
Marriage_Life++;
career++;
}
return new Happiness[infinity];
}
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Blonde's Year in Review!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels "duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake that ran downhill.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm, car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year! I hope 2006 will be better!
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels "duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake that ran downhill.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm, car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year! I hope 2006 will be better!
Supplies!!
A foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says:
To the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, and you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.
“The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left the' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells................
“SUPPLIES!!!”
To the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, and you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.
“The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left the' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells................
“SUPPLIES!!!”
If Men Really Ruled The World
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the back and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL teamof your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." - Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation
Wanna hear a blonde joke?
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Normal enough..?
During a recient visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
A Dollar
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Monday, December 26, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Watch your step!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place it is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and - not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man - is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, thin, tanned, a great smile. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word then leaves the couple alone.
The happy woman exclaims, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all eternity?"
The guy shakes his head and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place it is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and - not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man - is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, thin, tanned, a great smile. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word then leaves the couple alone.
The happy woman exclaims, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all eternity?"
The guy shakes his head and says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting. She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we have lived happily ever after."
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting. She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we have lived happily ever after."
Are you relaxing?
One day Sipho was enjoying the sun at the beach in South Africa. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Sipho answered, "No, I am Sipho."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sipho answered, "No! No! Me Sipho!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again. Sipho was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Sipho slapped him in his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sipho answered, "No! No! Me Sipho!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again. Sipho was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Sipho slapped him in his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Loggers
On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless looking guy, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured guy in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes it is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured guy in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes it is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Only from Kids
Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.
Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love?
Teacher: How old is your father?
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
Teacher: There is a frog, a ship is sinking, and potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then, what is my age?
Student: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.
Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love?
Teacher: How old is your father?
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.
Teacher: There is a frog, a ship is sinking, and potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then, what is my age?
Student: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Confession
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Pounds for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Pounds for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Do You Know Frank?
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
Passenger: Wow, some bloke then.
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
Passenger: Mmmm, there's not many like him around.
Cabbie: And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank.
Passenger: Then how do you know so much about him?
Cabbie: I married his widow.
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
Passenger: Wow, some bloke then.
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
Passenger: Mmmm, there's not many like him around.
Cabbie: And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank.
Passenger: Then how do you know so much about him?
Cabbie: I married his widow.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Thathuvams
Thathuvam #11578
Vaayala "naai"-nu solla mudiyum
Aaana..
Naayaala "Vaai"-nu solla mudiyuma??? Yosi !!!
Thathuvam #2421
Bus poita bus stand angayae thaan irukum
Aana...
cycle poita cycle stand koodavae poogum!
Thathuvam #45398
Cellula balance illana call panna mudiyathu..
Aaana..
Manushanukku kaal illana,
Balance panna mudiyathu..
Thathuvam #3622
Omlette podurathukaga mutaya odaikalam
Aaana..
Omlettea odaichu muttai poda mudiyuma..
Ana muttai udanchi pochingrathukaga Omlette poda mudiyuma
Thathuvam #3622A
Omlette podurathukaga mutaya odaikalam
Aaana..
Ana muttai udanchi pochingrathukaga Omlette poda mudiyuma
Thathuvam #5761
Poison evlo naal aanalum payasam aaga mudiyadhu
But Payasam patthu naal aana poison aayidum.
Thathuvam #7268
Arisi kotina vaera arisi vaangalam,
Paal kotina vaera paal vangalam,
Aaana...
Thael kotina vaera thael vaanga mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #9387
Aeroplane vaanathila poayirukku…
Aana...
vaanam aeroplane-la poayirukaa...
Thathuvam #55719
Train evalo vegama ponaalum,
Kadaisi petty kaidaisiyathaan pogum...
Thathuvam #10141
Runway maela vodi planeala maela parak mudiyum,
Aana..
Plane maela vodi runwayaala paraka mudiyumaa..?
Thathuvam #10141A
Plane enna than mela paranthalum...
Adhu mela parakka uthavina runway keezhiye than irukkum...
Thathuvam #99441
Kaaka vaanathial parakalaam,
Aana...
Sapida tharaiku thaan varanum...
Thathuvam #9045
Files na ukkanthu parkkalam,
Aana...
Piles na parthuthan ukkaranum...
Thathuvam #7081
Busla nee yerina prayaani..
Bus un mela yerina briyaani
Thathuvam #6007
Mandaila potta DYE...
Mandamela potta DIE
Thathuvam #447
Ambalaikku adipattaa thookittu poga ambulance varum,
Aana...
Pombalaikku adipattaa thookittu poga pombulance varaathu.. that's life.
Thathuvam #117
Busla nee aerinalum,
Busu un mella aerinalum..........
Ticket vanga porathu neeeee than.
Thathuvam #129
Ticket Vangitu Ulla poradu cinema theatre,
Ulae poitu ticket vanguradu operation theatre.
Thathuvam #817
Ulagam theriyaama valandha avan veguly,
Cricket theriyaama valandha avan ganguly.
Thathuvam #10217
Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam,
Aana platformku ticket vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #9117
Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai,
Muttai ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukka kaakka karuppudhaan.
Thathuvam #17010
Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum,
Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #2117
Nila kaati soru uttalam,
Sora kaati nilla uta mudiyumma?
Thathuvam #32115
Manushan "Zebra Crossing" la road cross panraan,
Aana,
Zebra "Man Crossing" la road cross pannumaa?
Thathuvam #7099
Lamp post la "post" irukkarudhunaala,
Letter post panna mudiyaadhu.
Thathuvam #9127
Oruthar irandhuttaa, "Late" appadinnu solrom,
Porakka pora Kuzhandhaiya "Early" nu sollamaatroame..
Thathuvam #7117
Busla syllaBUS padikka mudiyum,
Aana,
Trainla syllaTRAIN padikka mudiyaadhy.
Thathuvam #1916
Yanamela namma ukkantha jolly,
Aana,
Namma mela yanai ukkaantha gally.
Thathuvam #13192
Lace aaala shoe tie pannalaam,
Aana,
Shoe aala lace a tie panna mudiyuma,
Illa tie aala dhaan shoe lace poda mudiyumaaa?
Thathuvam #19127
Kosu kadicha yaanaikal varum,
Aana,
Yanai kadicha kosukaal varuma?
Thathuvam #117
Innaiku thoonguna nalaiku enthirikalam,
Aana,
Naalaiku thoonguna inaiku enthirika mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #13210
Bus la collector-yae erinalum,
Mudhal seetu driveruku than.
Thathuvam #12216
Cycle carrierla tiffen-a vechu eduthuttu pogalam,
Aana,
Tiffin carrierla cycle-a vechu eduthuttu poga mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #1123
Enna than meenuku neendha therinjalum,
Adhala meen kozhambula neendha mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #10017
Iron boxla iron panna mudiyum,
Aana,
Pencil box la pencil panna mudiyuma.
Thathuvam #11501
Ne Enna than costly mobile vachirundhalum,
Athula evalavu than talk time irundhaalum,
Unnalla unakku call panna mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #13167
Cream biscuitla cream irukkum,
Aana,
Nai biscuitla nai irukkuma?
Thathuvam #11119
Puyalala karaya kadaka mudiyum,
Karayala puyala kadaka mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #14179
Oru erumbu nenacha 1000 yanaya kadikkum,
Aana 1000 yana nenachalum oru erumba kooda kadikka mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #901172
Quarter Adichittu Kuppura padukkalaam,
Aana,
Kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #111111
Railway stationla police station irukkalam,
Aana,
Police stationla railway station irukka mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #1316
Gold chain-a adagu vachu cycle vaangalaam,
Aana,
Cycle chain-a adagu vachu gold vaanga mudiyaathu.
Thathuvam #1917
Nee bikela evlo thaan fasta ponaalum,
Unnaiye unnala overtake panna mudiyaadhu.
Thathuvam #1172
Thoonga poradhukku munnala thoonga porennu sollalaam,
Yezhundhukkurathukku munnala yendhrika porennu solla mudiyumaa?
Vaayala "naai"-nu solla mudiyum
Aaana..
Naayaala "Vaai"-nu solla mudiyuma??? Yosi !!!
Thathuvam #2421
Bus poita bus stand angayae thaan irukum
Aana...
cycle poita cycle stand koodavae poogum!
Thathuvam #45398
Cellula balance illana call panna mudiyathu..
Aaana..
Manushanukku kaal illana,
Balance panna mudiyathu..
Thathuvam #3622
Omlette podurathukaga mutaya odaikalam
Aaana..
Omlettea odaichu muttai poda mudiyuma..
Ana muttai udanchi pochingrathukaga Omlette poda mudiyuma
Thathuvam #3622A
Omlette podurathukaga mutaya odaikalam
Aaana..
Ana muttai udanchi pochingrathukaga Omlette poda mudiyuma
Thathuvam #5761
Poison evlo naal aanalum payasam aaga mudiyadhu
But Payasam patthu naal aana poison aayidum.
Thathuvam #7268
Arisi kotina vaera arisi vaangalam,
Paal kotina vaera paal vangalam,
Aaana...
Thael kotina vaera thael vaanga mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #9387
Aeroplane vaanathila poayirukku…
Aana...
vaanam aeroplane-la poayirukaa...
Thathuvam #55719
Train evalo vegama ponaalum,
Kadaisi petty kaidaisiyathaan pogum...
Thathuvam #10141
Runway maela vodi planeala maela parak mudiyum,
Aana..
Plane maela vodi runwayaala paraka mudiyumaa..?
Thathuvam #10141A
Plane enna than mela paranthalum...
Adhu mela parakka uthavina runway keezhiye than irukkum...
Thathuvam #99441
Kaaka vaanathial parakalaam,
Aana...
Sapida tharaiku thaan varanum...
Thathuvam #9045
Files na ukkanthu parkkalam,
Aana...
Piles na parthuthan ukkaranum...
Thathuvam #7081
Busla nee yerina prayaani..
Bus un mela yerina briyaani
Thathuvam #6007
Mandaila potta DYE...
Mandamela potta DIE
Thathuvam #447
Ambalaikku adipattaa thookittu poga ambulance varum,
Aana...
Pombalaikku adipattaa thookittu poga pombulance varaathu.. that's life.
Thathuvam #117
Busla nee aerinalum,
Busu un mella aerinalum..........
Ticket vanga porathu neeeee than.
Thathuvam #129
Ticket Vangitu Ulla poradu cinema theatre,
Ulae poitu ticket vanguradu operation theatre.
Thathuvam #817
Ulagam theriyaama valandha avan veguly,
Cricket theriyaama valandha avan ganguly.
Thathuvam #10217
Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam,
Aana platformku ticket vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #9117
Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai,
Muttai ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukka kaakka karuppudhaan.
Thathuvam #17010
Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum,
Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #2117
Nila kaati soru uttalam,
Sora kaati nilla uta mudiyumma?
Thathuvam #32115
Manushan "Zebra Crossing" la road cross panraan,
Aana,
Zebra "Man Crossing" la road cross pannumaa?
Thathuvam #7099
Lamp post la "post" irukkarudhunaala,
Letter post panna mudiyaadhu.
Thathuvam #9127
Oruthar irandhuttaa, "Late" appadinnu solrom,
Porakka pora Kuzhandhaiya "Early" nu sollamaatroame..
Thathuvam #7117
Busla syllaBUS padikka mudiyum,
Aana,
Trainla syllaTRAIN padikka mudiyaadhy.
Thathuvam #1916
Yanamela namma ukkantha jolly,
Aana,
Namma mela yanai ukkaantha gally.
Thathuvam #13192
Lace aaala shoe tie pannalaam,
Aana,
Shoe aala lace a tie panna mudiyuma,
Illa tie aala dhaan shoe lace poda mudiyumaaa?
Thathuvam #19127
Kosu kadicha yaanaikal varum,
Aana,
Yanai kadicha kosukaal varuma?
Thathuvam #117
Innaiku thoonguna nalaiku enthirikalam,
Aana,
Naalaiku thoonguna inaiku enthirika mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #13210
Bus la collector-yae erinalum,
Mudhal seetu driveruku than.
Thathuvam #12216
Cycle carrierla tiffen-a vechu eduthuttu pogalam,
Aana,
Tiffin carrierla cycle-a vechu eduthuttu poga mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #1123
Enna than meenuku neendha therinjalum,
Adhala meen kozhambula neendha mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #10017
Iron boxla iron panna mudiyum,
Aana,
Pencil box la pencil panna mudiyuma.
Thathuvam #11501
Ne Enna than costly mobile vachirundhalum,
Athula evalavu than talk time irundhaalum,
Unnalla unakku call panna mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #13167
Cream biscuitla cream irukkum,
Aana,
Nai biscuitla nai irukkuma?
Thathuvam #11119
Puyalala karaya kadaka mudiyum,
Karayala puyala kadaka mudiyuma?
Thathuvam #14179
Oru erumbu nenacha 1000 yanaya kadikkum,
Aana 1000 yana nenachalum oru erumba kooda kadikka mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #901172
Quarter Adichittu Kuppura padukkalaam,
Aana,
Kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu.
Thathuvam #111111
Railway stationla police station irukkalam,
Aana,
Police stationla railway station irukka mudiyadhu.
Thathuvam #1316
Gold chain-a adagu vachu cycle vaangalaam,
Aana,
Cycle chain-a adagu vachu gold vaanga mudiyaathu.
Thathuvam #1917
Nee bikela evlo thaan fasta ponaalum,
Unnaiye unnala overtake panna mudiyaadhu.
Thathuvam #1172
Thoonga poradhukku munnala thoonga porennu sollalaam,
Yezhundhukkurathukku munnala yendhrika porennu solla mudiyumaa?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
SMS
Could you fax me your photo very very urgently?
Mind you - it's really very very urgent,
Damn serious and very important .....
I'm playing cards and
We've misplaced the JOKER.
============================
Good looks catch the eyes but good Personality catches the heart.
You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED?. Don't be,
it was sent to me,
and I just wanted you to read it.
=============================
Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you woke up today?
1) Pray, so that u may live...
2) Take a bath-so that others may live too!
============================
I saw something in a shop window.
It was stunning, cute, simply adorable.
I was supposed to buy it for you,
then I realised it was my reflection.
============================
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of expression and many more mental qualities.
Hats off to you because you manage to live without them.
============================
Once god came up to me and granted me a wish.
I asked for "world peace".
That's impossible, he said.
Then I asked him to give you brain.
He said "Let me try world peace"
============================
From Mon to Sun,
From Jan To Dec,
From birth till my death,
My feelings for you have never changed.
For me, you've always been...........
A Headache !
============================
One day you'll be srprised to see me beside you.
YOU & ME laughing,
YOU & ME crying,
YOU &ME dreaming,
YOU & ME holding on,
YOU & ME...
Just YOU & ME sitting in a.....
MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING YOU.
============================
I cannot hide this from you any more. I don't want to hurt you and I feel it's
best if I tell you, before you hear it from someone else ............
Potato Prices Have Gone Up !
============================
If you save this message, it means I'm cute.
If you edit this, I'm still cute.
If you fwd this, you are spreading that I'm cute &
if you erase this, you are jealous of
me because I'm cute!
============================
This message will refresh your brain in 5 seconds.
5....
4....
3....
2....
1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
============================
I mixed RUM in water and got drunk.
I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk.
I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again.
Now I have decided never to drink water again !!!
============================
when it rains, I think of you
When the sun shines bright, I think of you
When it snows, I think of you
Will you please return my umbrella
Mind you - it's really very very urgent,
Damn serious and very important .....
I'm playing cards and
We've misplaced the JOKER.
============================
Good looks catch the eyes but good Personality catches the heart.
You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED?. Don't be,
it was sent to me,
and I just wanted you to read it.
=============================
Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you woke up today?
1) Pray, so that u may live...
2) Take a bath-so that others may live too!
============================
I saw something in a shop window.
It was stunning, cute, simply adorable.
I was supposed to buy it for you,
then I realised it was my reflection.
============================
To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of expression and many more mental qualities.
Hats off to you because you manage to live without them.
============================
Once god came up to me and granted me a wish.
I asked for "world peace".
That's impossible, he said.
Then I asked him to give you brain.
He said "Let me try world peace"
============================
From Mon to Sun,
From Jan To Dec,
From birth till my death,
My feelings for you have never changed.
For me, you've always been...........
A Headache !
============================
One day you'll be srprised to see me beside you.
YOU & ME laughing,
YOU & ME crying,
YOU &ME dreaming,
YOU & ME holding on,
YOU & ME...
Just YOU & ME sitting in a.....
MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING YOU.
============================
I cannot hide this from you any more. I don't want to hurt you and I feel it's
best if I tell you, before you hear it from someone else ............
Potato Prices Have Gone Up !
============================
If you save this message, it means I'm cute.
If you edit this, I'm still cute.
If you fwd this, you are spreading that I'm cute &
if you erase this, you are jealous of
me because I'm cute!
============================
This message will refresh your brain in 5 seconds.
5....
4....
3....
2....
1....
Error : No Brain Detected !!
============================
I mixed RUM in water and got drunk.
I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk.
I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again.
Now I have decided never to drink water again !!!
============================
when it rains, I think of you
When the sun shines bright, I think of you
When it snows, I think of you
Will you please return my umbrella
The Waiter (Microsoft Ex-Employee)
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again; maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The bill:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again; maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The bill:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Error Messages for Next Windows Version
1. Smash Forehead on Keyboard to continue
2. Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
4. Press any key to....No no no no not that one...
5. Press control, alt delete now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name. Go and stand in the corner
8. This will end your windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: Error saving file. Format hard drive now (Y/Y)
10. This is a message from god Gates: Rebooting world. Please log off.
11. To shut down your system type WIN.
12. BREAKFAST.sys halted. Cereal port not responding
13. COFFEE.sys missing. Insert cup in cup holder to continue
14. File not found. Should i take a guess? (Y/N)
15. Bad or missing mouse. Should i spank the cat?
16. Runtime error 6D at 417a:32CF: Incompetent user
17. Error reading FAT record. Try the Skinny one? (Y/N)
18. WinErr 16547: LTP not found: Use backup. (PENCILANDPAPER.sys)
19. Windows Viruscan 1.0 – Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)
20. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
2. Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
4. Press any key to....No no no no not that one...
5. Press control, alt delete now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name. Go and stand in the corner
8. This will end your windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: Error saving file. Format hard drive now (Y/Y)
10. This is a message from god Gates: Rebooting world. Please log off.
11. To shut down your system type WIN.
12. BREAKFAST.sys halted. Cereal port not responding
13. COFFEE.sys missing. Insert cup in cup holder to continue
14. File not found. Should i take a guess? (Y/N)
15. Bad or missing mouse. Should i spank the cat?
16. Runtime error 6D at 417a:32CF: Incompetent user
17. Error reading FAT record. Try the Skinny one? (Y/N)
18. WinErr 16547: LTP not found: Use backup. (PENCILANDPAPER.sys)
19. Windows Viruscan 1.0 – Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)
20. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
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