Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Condolence
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon:
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."!
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept.
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs, I would like to assure you that we had nothing in connection with that.
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It is eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back later!
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."!
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept.
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs, I would like to assure you that we had nothing in connection with that.
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It is eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back later!
A farmer and his wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head, Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head, Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Friday, September 16, 2005
What's her name?
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,""Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,""Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Laws of Life
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Stupidity:
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Law of Lines:
When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
Inverse Hair Dryer Law:
You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Natural Attraction:
If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, a family of five will set up right next to you.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of the Last Word:
"Hey, watch this!"
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Stupidity:
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Law of Lines:
When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
Inverse Hair Dryer Law:
You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Natural Attraction:
If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, a family of five will set up right next to you.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of the Last Word:
"Hey, watch this!"
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hearing Loss
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss "the problem".
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do", said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he Walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do", said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he Walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Golda Meir Quotes
Golda Meir (1898-1978) was the Prime Minister of Israel from 1969 to 1974.
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!" --Golda Meir
"I don't know why you use a fancy French word like detente when there's a good English phrase for it -- 'cold war'." --Golda Meir
"I never did anything alone. Whatever was accomplished in this country was accomplished collectively." --Golda Meir
"It's no accident many accuse me of conducting public affairs with my heart instead of my head. Well, what if I do? Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." --Golda Meir
"Don't be humble... you're not that great." --Golda Meir
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!" --Golda Meir
"I don't know why you use a fancy French word like detente when there's a good English phrase for it -- 'cold war'." --Golda Meir
"I never did anything alone. Whatever was accomplished in this country was accomplished collectively." --Golda Meir
"It's no accident many accuse me of conducting public affairs with my heart instead of my head. Well, what if I do? Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." --Golda Meir
"Don't be humble... you're not that great." --Golda Meir
Two Blondes
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."
Friday, September 09, 2005
The Blonde Team
Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in London.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team Rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a Great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team Rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a Great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
An Obscure Joke
Q: How do you put an elephant in the freezer?
A: You open the freezer door, put the elephant in and close the freezer door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the freezer?
A: You open the freezer door, take the elephant out, put in the giraffe and then close the door.
Q: The king of the jungle calls a meeting. Which animal doesn't show up?
A: The giraffe, he's in the freezer!
Q: While walking through the jungle you come to river where all the crocodiles live. How do you get across?
A: Just swim across. The crocodiles are at the meeting.
A: You open the freezer door, put the elephant in and close the freezer door.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the freezer?
A: You open the freezer door, take the elephant out, put in the giraffe and then close the door.
Q: The king of the jungle calls a meeting. Which animal doesn't show up?
A: The giraffe, he's in the freezer!
Q: While walking through the jungle you come to river where all the crocodiles live. How do you get across?
A: Just swim across. The crocodiles are at the meeting.
Poor Wages
A man owned a small cotton farm outside Lubbock. Wage & Hour officials claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
Ant Jokes
Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!
What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!
What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!
What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!
What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!
Women will be Women
Two Women Talking:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, and see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Now Two Men Talking:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, and see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Now Two Men Talking:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
The Polish Guy
A man from Poland goes to an optometrist who asks him to read the letters off the chart:
"C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"
"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.
"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"
"C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"
"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.
"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"
Monday, August 29, 2005
Bible Sales
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each To raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last Week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I Am A professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each To raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last Week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I Am A professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Just One Copy
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Monday, August 22, 2005
A Good Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The Fly Swatter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh... Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh... Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Friday, August 19, 2005
Laloo the Great
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.,
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said: "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hain."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...
"Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa - par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee karoonga. Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad --- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya, You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho, our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai, Please do not send any furthur correspondance ---- ab Letter vetter bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee. No phone call ---- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai, shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi. Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad. Bill Gates ---- Bilva."
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said: "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hain."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...
"Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa - par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath hindi mein translate bhee karoonga. Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad --- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya, You do not meet ---- aap to miltay hee naheen ho, our requirement ---- humko to zaroorat hai, Please do not send any furthur correspondance ---- ab Letter vetter bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee. No phone call ---- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai, shall be entertained ---- bahut khaatir kee jayegi. Thanks ---- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad. Bill Gates ---- Bilva."
Hammer Homicide
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
The New English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Presence of Mind
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
....Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad... It's the best I could do for you from here.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
....Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad... It's the best I could do for you from here.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Sardarji in Pain
One day Sardarji goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts'.
The doctor says 'OK. Touch your elbow.'
The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head'.
The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.
Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says;'We've found your problem.
Sardarji: 'Oh yeah? What is it?'
Doctor: 'You've broken your finger!
The doctor says 'OK. Touch your elbow.'
The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head'.
The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.
Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says;'We've found your problem.
Sardarji: 'Oh yeah? What is it?'
Doctor: 'You've broken your finger!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Just for Laughs
One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar.
He asked the bartender : "What all do u have".
Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka,gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first,give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky,
Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Lord Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"
Lord Shiva : " kulanthaai Naaan thaan siva permaaan".
Bartender : Thoda...Ippo thhaaan Mappu yeriruku ..
He asked the bartender : "What all do u have".
Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka,gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first,give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky,
Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Lord Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"
Lord Shiva : " kulanthaai Naaan thaan siva permaaan".
Bartender : Thoda...Ippo thhaaan Mappu yeriruku ..
Old Crabby Advice
[01] Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Please, just get the hell out of here and leave me alone.
[02] Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experiences come from what you thought was a good judgment.
[03] In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have yet to reach their level of incompetence.
[04] If you want a winning team for the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet at once, not seven people who can jump one foot each and try to mount on top of each other.
[05] The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Similar way you can quadruple.
[06] Those who can do, cannot teach. Those who can't teach, administer. Those who cannot even administer, finally become successful consultants.
[07] A closed mouth gathers no foot.
[08] Duct tape is like “the force” with a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
[09] Everybody lies. But does it really matter? Nobody listens anyway.
[10] Your learning ability goes down when your lips are moving. Faster the lips movement, slower the learning ability.
[11] Experience usually arrives late and only after you had just needed it a few moments back.
[12] When you direct dial a wrong long distance number, you never get a busy tone.
[13] Never miss a good chance to shut up.
[14] The challenge in solving of the problem lies in finding the right solvers.
[15] If anything can go wrong, it will do so in multiple forms.
[16] There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
[17] No matter whatever happens some wise guy will find a way to take it far too seriously.
[18] Important telephone rings when you are on toilet seat without phone.
.
[19] The probability of your meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
[20] The Journey of a thousand miles usually begins with broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
[21] Great discoveries are made by stupidity of mistakes. Go ahead screw up.
[22] A good listener has nodding head and active thinking mind on some other subjects. And you can't fool your wife about it.
[23] Who said money can't buy love? Try with more of it you stingy old fool. There is price tag for every thing.
[24] It is always dark before dawn, So if you are going to steal your neighbors newspapers, that's time to do it.
[25] Promotion is hard for irreplaceable. If you can be replaced than you can be promoted.
[26] And don’t ever forget, that you are unique just like rest of us here.
[27] Friends come and go, but enemies come and stick.
[28] Don’t lower your both feet in water at the same time to test the depth of water.
[29] If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster.
[30] If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
[31] If you don't succeed at first try, skydiving will never be for you.
[32] If in any organization you find one employee who knows what is going on. Gang up and get this idiot fired.
[33] The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
[02] Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experiences come from what you thought was a good judgment.
[03] In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have yet to reach their level of incompetence.
[04] If you want a winning team for the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet at once, not seven people who can jump one foot each and try to mount on top of each other.
[05] The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Similar way you can quadruple.
[06] Those who can do, cannot teach. Those who can't teach, administer. Those who cannot even administer, finally become successful consultants.
[07] A closed mouth gathers no foot.
[08] Duct tape is like “the force” with a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
[09] Everybody lies. But does it really matter? Nobody listens anyway.
[10] Your learning ability goes down when your lips are moving. Faster the lips movement, slower the learning ability.
[11] Experience usually arrives late and only after you had just needed it a few moments back.
[12] When you direct dial a wrong long distance number, you never get a busy tone.
[13] Never miss a good chance to shut up.
[14] The challenge in solving of the problem lies in finding the right solvers.
[15] If anything can go wrong, it will do so in multiple forms.
[16] There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
[17] No matter whatever happens some wise guy will find a way to take it far too seriously.
[18] Important telephone rings when you are on toilet seat without phone.
.
[19] The probability of your meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
[20] The Journey of a thousand miles usually begins with broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
[21] Great discoveries are made by stupidity of mistakes. Go ahead screw up.
[22] A good listener has nodding head and active thinking mind on some other subjects. And you can't fool your wife about it.
[23] Who said money can't buy love? Try with more of it you stingy old fool. There is price tag for every thing.
[24] It is always dark before dawn, So if you are going to steal your neighbors newspapers, that's time to do it.
[25] Promotion is hard for irreplaceable. If you can be replaced than you can be promoted.
[26] And don’t ever forget, that you are unique just like rest of us here.
[27] Friends come and go, but enemies come and stick.
[28] Don’t lower your both feet in water at the same time to test the depth of water.
[29] If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster.
[30] If you think nobody cares that you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
[31] If you don't succeed at first try, skydiving will never be for you.
[32] If in any organization you find one employee who knows what is going on. Gang up and get this idiot fired.
[33] The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Jokes
1. Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2. A happy boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I'll give everyone a check for Rs.5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3. Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa Singh was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
9.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
10. An SMS : Sincere Apology: If u dont like any of my SMS n dont like 2 read, then plz dont hesitate, feel free to..... throw ur mobile!!
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
2. A happy boss tells his employees: You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I'll give everyone a check for Rs.5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
3. Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
4.An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa Singh was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted: Kya nishana lagaya hai!
5.What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
6.God thought that since he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
7.Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
8.Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
9.Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
10. An SMS : Sincere Apology: If u dont like any of my SMS n dont like 2 read, then plz dont hesitate, feel free to..... throw ur mobile!!
Funny Newspaper Headlines
1 "Overeating main cause of obesity"
2 "Dog kills cat, self"
3 "Two ships collide. One dead"
4 "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5 "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6 "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7 "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8 "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9 "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10 "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
11 "Deer Kill 17,000"
12 "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
13 "Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
14 "Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"
15 "New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"
16 "Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
17 "Scientists discover life causes cancer."
18 "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
19 "No, the world isn't about to end. However, if we're wrong, we'll apologize afterwards."
20 "Intel to Replace Circuit Boards with Glitch"
2 "Dog kills cat, self"
3 "Two ships collide. One dead"
4 "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5 "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6 "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7 "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8 "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9 "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10 "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
11 "Deer Kill 17,000"
12 "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
13 "Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
14 "Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"
15 "New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"
16 "Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
17 "Scientists discover life causes cancer."
18 "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
19 "No, the world isn't about to end. However, if we're wrong, we'll apologize afterwards."
20 "Intel to Replace Circuit Boards with Glitch"
Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. Be careful not to get the boiling water on the outside of your mouth. It may cause a severe burn.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape; If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape; If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Thoughts to Ponder...
* I had amnesia once -- or twice.
* All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
* If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
* One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
* The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
* How can there be self-help groups"?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
* All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
* If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
* One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
* The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
* How can there be self-help groups"?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Bats
Two vampire bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
Thursday, August 04, 2005
How To Tick People Off
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
24 things in IT industry
1) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues"
2) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4) When a half-day at work means leaving at 7:30 in the evening (and U actually feel guilty about it).
5) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
8) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
9) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
10) U havent played Solitaire with real cards in years.
11) U tell everyone your favourite book is "Who Moved my Cheese?" when in reality U couldnt even finish that. Ur real favourite book is the Oracle manual for PL/SQL.
12) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
13) U secretly visit sites like *jeevansathi.com* and *shaadi.com* and hope no one is watching, especially that girl in HR.
14) U dont go abroad anymore, but go 'on site'. And when U go 'on site' your mama, chacha and l'il cousin Chintu come to see u off.
15) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
16) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
17) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
18) Ur prime source of sleazy entertainment is the Femina issues in the office library.
20) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
21) Ur criteria for visiting a restaurant is whether it accepts 'Ticket restaurant' coupons or 'Sodhexo' passes.
22) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
23) U read this list and kept nodding & smiling.
24) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT
2) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4) When a half-day at work means leaving at 7:30 in the evening (and U actually feel guilty about it).
5) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
8) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
9) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
10) U havent played Solitaire with real cards in years.
11) U tell everyone your favourite book is "Who Moved my Cheese?" when in reality U couldnt even finish that. Ur real favourite book is the Oracle manual for PL/SQL.
12) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
13) U secretly visit sites like *jeevansathi.com* and *shaadi.com* and hope no one is watching, especially that girl in HR.
14) U dont go abroad anymore, but go 'on site'. And when U go 'on site' your mama, chacha and l'il cousin Chintu come to see u off.
15) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
16) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
17) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
18) Ur prime source of sleazy entertainment is the Femina issues in the office library.
20) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
21) Ur criteria for visiting a restaurant is whether it accepts 'Ticket restaurant' coupons or 'Sodhexo' passes.
22) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
23) U read this list and kept nodding & smiling.
24) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The Wife
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to someplace expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station.
So I took her to a gas station.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
The Smart Bird
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
Over the next few days, every time she passed in front of that store, the same parrot would never miss the opportunity to say to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she finally went into the store and said that she would sue the owner and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say those inappropriate words to her ever again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
At which point, the bird winked at her and whispered, "Well, you know..."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
Over the next few days, every time she passed in front of that store, the same parrot would never miss the opportunity to say to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she finally went into the store and said that she would sue the owner and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say those inappropriate words to her ever again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
At which point, the bird winked at her and whispered, "Well, you know..."
The Photographer
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder lightning, like a flaming word, would cut through the sky.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drove up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look Pretty, God keeps taking my picture."
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder lightning, like a flaming word, would cut through the sky.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drove up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look Pretty, God keeps taking my picture."
Alabama Wisdom
A young fella from Alabama was stopped by a game warden in LA (Lower Alabama) recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a small lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The Debate
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral services are coming up next week.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral services are coming up next week.
Report from Camp...
Dear Mom And Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnnie
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnnie
You're living in 2005 when....
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the TV.
6) Your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) And.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
10) You actually went back up to check that there was no 5
11) ...& now you're laughing at your stupidity
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the TV.
6) Your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) And.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
10) You actually went back up to check that there was no 5
11) ...& now you're laughing at your stupidity
On Aging...
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Then you forget to pull it down.
Rx
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied,
"Then I'm wondering just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
"Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied,
"Then I'm wondering just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
The Doctor
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Alabama Wisdom
A young fella from Alabama was stopped by a game warden in LA (Lower Alabama) recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a small lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license...don't really need one, nope. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep....pert' near every night I take em' here fish down to the lake and let em' swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take em' home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The young fella looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth my friend. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The young fella poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the fella.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Join The Queue
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered,"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Please join the queue."
Saturday, July 09, 2005
The Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods; "What majestic trees! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying "You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly at the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, for which I am truly thankful."
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying "You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly at the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, for which I am truly thankful."
Monday, July 04, 2005
The Art of Breaking Bad News!
At dawn the telephone rings....
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there is a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's that one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's .....! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there is a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's that one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's .....! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
Monday, June 27, 2005
One More on the Blonde...
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The Contest!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets! .
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE!
"I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets! .
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE!
"I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Cowboy Boots
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, and once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"
Her trial starts next month.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, and once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner than they got the boots off he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"
Her trial starts next month.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Gifts to mom
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built into the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays, Mom sent out her
'Thank You' notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built into the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays, Mom sent out her
'Thank You' notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The Lab Report and the Cat Scan
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Wives Vs. Husbands
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife, "you will bring out the animal in me." ...
"So what?" his wife shot back, "who is afraid of a mouse?"
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
*************************************
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
*************************************
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
*************************************
A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife, "you will bring out the animal in me." ...
"So what?" his wife shot back, "who is afraid of a mouse?"
Dictionary for Arguing with Women
1. “Fine”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
How to be Annoying
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la
- Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says as a question.
- Repeat everything someone says as a question?
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer on the wall song.
- Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. (DAVE, JENN, PAUL & JOHN, equally annoying - the theme to Jesus Christ Super Star!)
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Monday, January 10, 2005
How to become a Millionaire!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
" . . . . . then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
" . . . . . then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Diplomacy in the Workplace - Asking for an increase in salary
One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employees:
Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager
Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager
The Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The Foreman
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
The Stockbroker
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Paddy, a client.
"I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share now." he told Paddy
"OK buy me 1000 shares," said Paddy.
The next day the stock was at $2. Paddy called the broker and said, "youwere right, give me 5000 more shares". The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "get me 10,000 more shares"
"Great" said the broker.
The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
"I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share now." he told Paddy
"OK buy me 1000 shares," said Paddy.
The next day the stock was at $2. Paddy called the broker and said, "youwere right, give me 5000 more shares". The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "get me 10,000 more shares"
"Great" said the broker.
The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet
Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, bad person! Ok, now that that's out of the way, without further ado...
- Post a message asking how to post messages.
- Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
- Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code," 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
- Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
- Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
- Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
- Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
- On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
- Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll."
- Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
- Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
- Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
- Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
- Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
- Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
- Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
- Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
- Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
- Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
- Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
- Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
- Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
- Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
- Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
- Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
- Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
- Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
- Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
- Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
- Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics."
- Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
- Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group."
- Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
- Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U," "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild."
- Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressingsomeone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy."
- Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell," and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
- Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
- Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
- Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
- Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
- Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
- Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
- Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
- Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
- Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
- Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
- Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
- Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
- Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
- Accuse female posters of being male.
- Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
- Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
- Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental."
- If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
- Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
- Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
- Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
- Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
- Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico."
- Post only in Esperanto.
- Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet," and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
- Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
- Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
- Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys."
- Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
- In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
- Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
- List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming."
- Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
- Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
- Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
- Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
- Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
- Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
- Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
- Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
- Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
- Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
- Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
- Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
- Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
- Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom."
- Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
- Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
- Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
- POST IN ALL CAPS
- omit all punctuation
- omitallspaces
- DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
- Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
- Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline."
- Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
- Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
- Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck."
- Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
- Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv."
- Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
- Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
- Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing."
- Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
- Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus."
Punishing the Rabbi
It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud, looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why, it's a rabbi. And he's playing golf on Yom Kippur.
"Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
"...Whatcha gonna do ?"
"Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
"Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!" complains the angel.
"You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
"Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
"...Whatcha gonna do ?"
"Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
"Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!" complains the angel.
"You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
The Advice
A man goes to see an astrologer for counseling. "Maharaj, something terrible is happening to me and I have to talk to you about it."
The astrologer asked, "What is wrong, son?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The astrologer, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I am telling you, I am certain she is poisoning me, what should I do?"
The astrologer then offers to help, "Tell you what, let me talk to her, I will see what I can find out, I will let you know and we will find the solution."
A few days later the astrologer calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. Then I went to take a glimpse of her in person. You want my advice?"
The man said. "Yes, please."
The astrologer replied, "Believe me, take the poison".
The astrologer asked, "What is wrong, son?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The astrologer, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I am telling you, I am certain she is poisoning me, what should I do?"
The astrologer then offers to help, "Tell you what, let me talk to her, I will see what I can find out, I will let you know and we will find the solution."
A few days later the astrologer calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. Then I went to take a glimpse of her in person. You want my advice?"
The man said. "Yes, please."
The astrologer replied, "Believe me, take the poison".
Monday, January 03, 2005
Buzzwords for Managers
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
(Online version - Web Economy Bullshit Generator)
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Ice Fishing Blonde
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
