Are you Kathlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there .

One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are?'

The oldest one said, 'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'

'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'

'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.'

Math Humor

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. 

 
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. 

 
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. 

 
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Pi and i had an argument

 

It Finally Happened

 

Dangerous Garter Snakes!

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes,  NOT rattlesnakes. Here's why.

 

 

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

 

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

 

She let out a very loud scream.

 

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

 

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

 

 

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

 

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

 

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

 

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

 

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

 

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

 

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out

 

and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

 

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and

 

began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived.

 

Breathe here......

 

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

 

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke,

 

it started a fire in the drapes.

 

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog that, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

 

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the neighborhood power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (....but they did get the house fire out).

 

Time passed! Men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

 

A while later they were watching TV and again, the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

 

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

 

 

 

And that's when he shot her.

The Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into a Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

 

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

 

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

 

There is a few moments silence then one elderly gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think my  wife may have caught a glimpse ....'.

How to avoid getting stuck in a ditch...

Corn Maze

 

Halloween

 

Outsourcing

 

Mirror Mirror...

Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  

 

The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

Blonde Jokes

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "$#^& off! Can't you see I'm winning?"

---

 

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

---

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

The Argument

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"  

 
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

The Search

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

The Women Rules

 

New Paradigm

 

Financial Crisis

 

Examination Tricks

 

Working Saturday

 

Questions and Answers

 

Chinglish

 

Painting the porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately"

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The Dead Rabbit

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

 

Chris panicked!

 

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

 

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

 

Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

 

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

 

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

 

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

 

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

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