Early IT Support

 

I Want Change

 

Go Granny!

 

Non-fussy Birthday

 

Ek Sindoor ki Kahani

 

Action Item Man

 

Wedding - SQL Style

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND
HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES('BMW')
END
GO

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Engineers

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the
wrong way.

*******************************************

You might be an engineer if ...

1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM s
a moral dilemma.

2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.

3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your questions.

5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.

9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
special effects.

11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

13) you know what "< < http://http://> < < http://http://> " stands
for.

14) you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
together.

15) you see a good design and still have to change it.

16) you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

17) you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

18) you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

19) you window shop at Radio Shack

20) your laptop computer costs more than your car

21) your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

22) you've already calculated how much you make per second.

23) you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

*******************************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take One:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Two:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three:
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Senior Humor

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!'

************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitc hen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red
and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?'

************

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, th e old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're
getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope! '

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Will she do your laundry?'

'I doubt it.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I Let's go get a beer.'

************

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really?' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

Hillary's Soul

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil
suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you
unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your
every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every
member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and
power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or
do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my
constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

Bush Administration

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to
change a light bulb?

Answer: TEN.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs
to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and
standing on a step ladder, under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush
was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;

8. Another one to viciously smear # 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never
actually managed to change the light bulb.

Computer Generated Puns

* What do you get when you cross a car with a sandwich? A traffic jam
* What do you call a strange rabbit? A funny bunny
* What do you call a frog road? A main toad
* What do you call artist who is a minister? A pastor master

Nokia N 96i.... Very New

For Nokia Lovers

 

Nokia N 96 i
-----------

¥   3 screens ( Phone Screen – Camera Screen – MP3 Player Screen ).

¥   Video Cam – 2 Hours Continous

¥   Photo Camera – 8 Mega Pixels

¥    MP3 Player – Stereo Sound Treble Speakers

¥    Internal Memory 2 GB

¥    External Memory Card 10 GB

¥    Bluetooth

Times have changed...

Early Training

Orkut Jollu

 

Titanic in Tamil

World Without Engineers

If dogs ruled the earth...

Next Version of Windows

 

Birthday

 

Indian Mother

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3
women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother
agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

Drinking

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits
in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai,
the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he,
said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

"The only thing is I just quit drinking!!!"

Bumper Stickers

 

Clinton Genealogy

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph
of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture
is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana
Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six
times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889'.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of
Professional Image adjusters sent back the following biographical
sketch:

'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana rail road. Beginning in 1883, he
devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the rail road. In 1887,
he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which
he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done, folks!

New Cell Phone Law starting Jan.1, 2008

Cell phones - New Law:

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2008
you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you
have a 'hands free' adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50
for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in
the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with
an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I
paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with
Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Two Line Rhymes

These are entries to a Washnigton Post competition asking for a two-line
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the f irewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

Baby Talk

Marriage

US in the Year 1907

* The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.

* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.

* Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

* There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved
roads.

* The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

* Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California

* With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most
populous state in the Union .

* The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

* The average wage in the US . Was 22 Cents per hour.

* The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

* A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist
made $2,500 per year, A veterinarian $1,500 per year, And a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.

* More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.

* Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead,
they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in
the press AND the government as "substandard."

* Sugar cost four cents a pound.

* Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

* Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

* Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.

* Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into
their country for any reason.

* Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

* The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

* The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

* Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

* There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

* Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.

* Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

* Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears
the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

* There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

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