Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built into the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays, Mom sent out her
'Thank You' notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The Lab Report and the Cat Scan
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Wives Vs. Husbands
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife, "you will bring out the animal in me." ...
"So what?" his wife shot back, "who is afraid of a mouse?"
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
*************************************
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
*************************************
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
*************************************
A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife, "you will bring out the animal in me." ...
"So what?" his wife shot back, "who is afraid of a mouse?"
Dictionary for Arguing with Women
1. “Fine”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
How to be Annoying
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la
- Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says as a question.
- Repeat everything someone says as a question?
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer on the wall song.
- Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. (DAVE, JENN, PAUL & JOHN, equally annoying - the theme to Jesus Christ Super Star!)
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Monday, January 10, 2005
How to become a Millionaire!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
" . . . . . then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
" . . . . . then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Diplomacy in the Workplace - Asking for an increase in salary
One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employees:
Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager
Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager
The Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The Foreman
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
The Stockbroker
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Paddy, a client.
"I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share now." he told Paddy
"OK buy me 1000 shares," said Paddy.
The next day the stock was at $2. Paddy called the broker and said, "youwere right, give me 5000 more shares". The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "get me 10,000 more shares"
"Great" said the broker.
The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
"I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share now." he told Paddy
"OK buy me 1000 shares," said Paddy.
The next day the stock was at $2. Paddy called the broker and said, "youwere right, give me 5000 more shares". The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "get me 10,000 more shares"
"Great" said the broker.
The next day Paddy looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet
Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, bad person! Ok, now that that's out of the way, without further ado...
- Post a message asking how to post messages.
- Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
- Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code," 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
- Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
- Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
- Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
- Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
- On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
- Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll."
- Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
- Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
- Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
- Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
- Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
- Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
- Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
- Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
- Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
- Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
- Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
- Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
- Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
- Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
- Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
- Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
- Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
- Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
- Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
- Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
- Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics."
- Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
- Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group."
- Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
- Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U," "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild."
- Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressingsomeone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy."
- Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell," and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
- Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
- Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
- Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
- Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
- Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
- Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
- Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
- Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
- Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
- Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
- Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
- Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
- Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
- Accuse female posters of being male.
- Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
- Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
- Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental."
- If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
- Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
- Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
- Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
- Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
- Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico."
- Post only in Esperanto.
- Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet," and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
- Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
- Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
- Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys."
- Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
- In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
- Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
- List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming."
- Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
- Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
- Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
- Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
- Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
- Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
- Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
- Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
- Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
- Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
- Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
- Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
- Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
- Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom."
- Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
- Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
- Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
- POST IN ALL CAPS
- omit all punctuation
- omitallspaces
- DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
- Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
- Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline."
- Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
- Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
- Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck."
- Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
- Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv."
- Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
- Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
- Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing."
- Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
- Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus."
Punishing the Rabbi
It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud, looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why, it's a rabbi. And he's playing golf on Yom Kippur.
"Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
"...Whatcha gonna do ?"
"Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
"Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!" complains the angel.
"You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
"Lordy, lordy, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year..." the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.
"...Whatcha gonna do ?"
"Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" cackles the Lord.
So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards... towards... towards...? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.
"Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!" complains the angel.
"You don't understand..." replies God, "...who can he tell??"
The Advice
A man goes to see an astrologer for counseling. "Maharaj, something terrible is happening to me and I have to talk to you about it."
The astrologer asked, "What is wrong, son?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The astrologer, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I am telling you, I am certain she is poisoning me, what should I do?"
The astrologer then offers to help, "Tell you what, let me talk to her, I will see what I can find out, I will let you know and we will find the solution."
A few days later the astrologer calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. Then I went to take a glimpse of her in person. You want my advice?"
The man said. "Yes, please."
The astrologer replied, "Believe me, take the poison".
The astrologer asked, "What is wrong, son?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The astrologer, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I am telling you, I am certain she is poisoning me, what should I do?"
The astrologer then offers to help, "Tell you what, let me talk to her, I will see what I can find out, I will let you know and we will find the solution."
A few days later the astrologer calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. Then I went to take a glimpse of her in person. You want my advice?"
The man said. "Yes, please."
The astrologer replied, "Believe me, take the poison".
Monday, January 03, 2005
Buzzwords for Managers
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
(Online version - Web Economy Bullshit Generator)
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Ice Fishing Blonde
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
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